Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/10/17 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Taylor Swift’s Squad: Who’s In? Who’s out?

And some people are worried about the G-20, North Korea, climate change, etc. Priorities, people. Priorities.

MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ ratings soar following Trump attacks

Who says Trump hasn’t accomplished anything?

Tour de France cyclist disqualified after elbowing rival and causing crash

So, while a bike race was happening a hockey match broke out.

Canada turns 150, The U.S. turns 241

Look out Canada; if Trump finds out, you know he’ll leave the U.S for a younger country.

Glock is challenging the US Army to finish testing to confirm which handgun is the best

You gotta hate a Glock blocker.

Officers found nest of venomous snakes, pool full of reptiles at Los Angeles area home

So, just another Hollywood agent having a party at his house.

Almost every state has declined the White House’s request for voter data

Well, he said, he’d bring the country together.

Death hoax: Kid Rock is NOT dead

…Unless you count his career.

A male engineer explains why so many men in Silicon Valley behave so badly toward women

Uh, because they have a giant microchip on their shoulder?

President Trump apparently can’t get a hotel room in Hamburg for G20 Summit

They’ve seen his credit reports…

Amazon has four different robot vacuums on sale today, including the Roomba 650

And, they all suck.

Bill Gates-backed vegetarian burger coming to a national fast food chain

Although, you will have to send it back at least three times for updates.

Lindsay Lohan urges her Twitter followers to ‘Stop Bullying’ Donald Trump

Lindsay who?

US lifts laptop ban from Abu Dhabi flights

Frankly, I’m kinda uncomfortable with any country that sounds like a quote from ‘The Flintstones.’

Guns and KKK Members at Gettysburg Confederate Rally, but no foes to fight

Lucky for them, given how it turned out the last time.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)