Anytown U.S.A. The rock song “Maniac” is heard in the introduction for The Jerry Duncan Show on syndicated radio. Senator Mitch McConnell is being interviewed.
JERRY
(opening lines for every show) Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out.
JERRY
(continuing) My guest today is Senate Majority Leader Republican Mitch McConnell. The busiest man in Washington.
MITCH
Thanks for having me. I appreciate the special terrarium you provided in the Green Room. That lettuce and bug spread was delicious.
JERRY
Some of the idiots from the studio took the minnows to go fishing or you would have had fresh fish.
MITCH
(burping) That’s okay. I’m a happy little turtle.
JERRY
Let’s get right to it. You want to Repeal and Replace Obamacare. But the votes aren’t there in the Senate to pass it.
MITCH
Whoa. They will be. Obamacare is a disaster, just like my chin. The insurance companies are dropping out of the markets. We have to do something, Jerry.
JERRY
Like throw 23 million people off healthcare? That’s what the congressional office budget says in its analysis of your proposal.
MITCH
He who has the most toys wins. Look, I take care of the people that pay, (err) help me. I can’t deprive them of tax breaks on only five residences and ten vacations a year. They’re my posse.
JERRY
How do you get along with Trump?
MITCH
(gulps) Let’s just say the man is not a politician. But he’s my wife’s boss so what can I do? She’s the breadwinner you know. (whispering in Jerry’s ear) Her old man is worth millions.
JERRY
(whispering back) I heard you got a nice lump sum of your in-laws money when W tanked the economy.
MITCH
(whispering) I love things that are green like my shell.
JERRY
Your wife Elaine Chao is the Secretary of Transportation. What does she do?
MITCH
Elaine’s in charge of the nations railways, highways and aviation. (pause) Only made one mistake on the job.
JERRY
Really? Tell me. C’mon. It’s not nice to keep secrets.
MITCH
We’ll, she routed Trump’s Warsaw flight over the Bermuda Triangle. Hey, I told her not to listen to Hillary Clinton.
JERRY
You’ve earned the reputation of being a villain in the Senate. A real bad ass during the Obama years.
MITCH
I’m going to “Repeal and Replace” Obamacare. Did I mention that?
JERRY
Yeah knucklehead. Like over 5,000 times in seven years. (pause) Tell me, do you have any friends in Congress?
MITCH
Oh sure. Paul Ryan and I are good buds. I’m helping him get his DNA tested because he could be little Eddie from The Munsters. The ears, the hair, the smirk on his face. Now we know what Eddie looked like when he grew up.
MITCH
I’m also friends with Ted Cruz.
JERRY
(surprised) Really?
MITCH
No! I wanted to get a rise out of you. Cruz is the meanest troll ever elected to Congress. He’s so nasty that the Cuban immigrants want to go back to Havana. They’re begging Elaine for boats.
JERRY
So, you do have friends.
MITCH
They can buy me anytime. Are you listening Koch brothers? I’m for sale.
JERRY
What’s Chuck Schumer like to work with in the Senate?
MITCH
Have you ever brushed up against a cactus hiking in the desert? No, actually Chuck did a real nice thing. He said that when I retire I can live in his cousin’s pond in upstate New York.
JERRY
Sweet. (pause) Hey, you urged Trump to withdraw from the Paris Climate Accords. Think what the might do to your pond? The water could evaporate. No place to swim or hunt for food.
MITCH
Then I guess I’d have to adapt and become a tortoise. Always liked Palm Springs. Wait, make that Phoenix. California has too many Democrats.
JERRY
Are you planning to run for the Senate in 2020?
MITCH
I take one pellet at a time.
JERRY
Good-bye everyone. See you tomorrow.
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