[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
“The Bible story is just a hoax. I didn’t cause the fall of man – it’s fake news. Apples for all!” – Belly-Crawling Snake
HELL – The Biblical serpent claimed last night that it was not responsible for the catastrophic Fall of Man recorded in Genesis.
“Wasn’t me,” the Serpent hissed emphatically in an interview aired on Megyn Kelly on Sunday.
“Sure, it might have been me, but it also could have been a lot of other fabled beasts. The Chimera. The Kraken. Even a 400 lb gorilla sitting in a white house somewhere.
“Yes, a 6000-year old tradition and seventeen US televangelists have all blamed us, really it was only three or four, but no one really knows. Coulda been a few private, patriotic demons. Coulda been the Koran or even the Egyptian Book of the Dead. I mean, were you there?”
Acknowledging multiple stories identifying it as the talking snake responsible for all human sin, the Serpent said that the “unsubstantiated allegations” were based on “a single anonymous Biblical source” whose “unreliability” had been proved many times before.
“Remember when they said that the beasts of the field were created before Adam? Then they said Adam came first and was made — get this! — outa mud. Then that the day was separated from the night before the Sun was made. Then that Eve was made out of Adam’s rib, and what a mess that turned out to be! Even Donald Trump opposed it at the time.”
The Serpent also flatly denied interfering in human affairs. Hell had “absolutely” not been responsible for Hitler, Genghis Khan and even the Trump family, “though in their case I can understand why some people might think so. However, you useful idiots brought them on yourselves and will just have to get rid of them in your own way. Just don’t send you-know-who down to us, thank you. Ivanka maybe,” he added with a leer.
The Serpent then went onto the attack, noting that people haven’t been so innocent in their dealings with Hell either. “Holier-than-thou types have repeatedly denigrated us and tried to interfere in our way of afterlife,” he said, with a pained flicker of his tongue. “We even hosted Jesus for a few days, and what thanks did we ever get for that?”
The Serpent wound up by proposing a joint Earth-Hell Sin Management program. Both sides would contribute equally and millennia of mutual suspicion and mistrust would finally be resolved.
”Apples for all!” he said, noting that with himself and Donald Trump in charge of human evil, “sin will be handled in the most secure and transparent way possible. Taxes not included, of course.”
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