Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/31/17

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Exclusive: Trump ponders Rudy Giuliani for Attorney General

But, first Rudy has to get through the evening gown portion of the competition.

Senate’s ‘repeal and replace’ Obamacare vote fails 43-57

But, it did win in the Electoral College.

The military spends a lot more on erection pills than transgender care

Hard numbers don’t lie, people.

State Department says Secretary Tillerson is ‘taking a little time off’ amid tensions in the White House

Hmm, sounds like the start of Rexit.

California man arrested on smuggling charge after 3 cobras found in potato chip canisters

Take that, with your cheap-ass whistles, Cracker Jacks.

Anthony Scaramucci gives a profanity-laced interview trashing Priebus and Bannon

Up next, horses’ heads in their beds.

Coke planning major makeover for Coke Zero

Especially considering that Zero stands for its approximate number of sales.

Kim Kardashian tweets support of Obamacare

Can Stacey Dash give her opinion, so I can’t give a rat’s ass about that either?

Reince Priebus out as WH Chief of Staff, Homeland Security head General Kelly in

This means Gen. Kelly will be leaving Homeland Security to takeover ‘Homeland Insecurity.‘

Kushner and the politics of nepotism

Or, as it’s also known, ‘The Son-in-Law Also Rises.’

It’s National Tequila Day

Making tomorrow ‘How Did My Underwear Get On That Goat Day?’

Jeff Sessions is preparing to crackdown on one major drug

Uh, sodium pentothal…

Happy 74th birthday, Mick Jagger

You don’t look a day over a 104.

The New Yorker’s Ryan Lizza confirms he recorded his conversation with Scaramucci

Look for it to become an HBO stand-up special.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Sudanese peace activist, Fatima Ahmed Ibrahim, to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of central Africa's indigenous people. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written and/or Produced for shows on FUSE, Showtime, The Disney Channel, ABC Family, VH1, LOGO, XM/Sirius and Lifetime. In addition, he's written standup material that's been performed on Leno, Letterman, Conan, "Last Comic Standing," etc., Hobo Pancakes and Humor Times. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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  • Matt Nisenoff

    Lander is always good for laughs. Excellent start to the day, thank you, Paul.

  • John F Richardson

    It feels like Paul is giving us two columns for the price of one. Way to go Paul! I enjoyed every word!