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The Jerry Duncan Show: Interview with Bernie Sanders

Aug 022017
 
 By , August 2, 2017

Everybody’s favorite radio talk show host, Jerry Duncan, interviews Bernie Sanders!

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the Independent Senator from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.

BERNIE

I almost didn’t make it. Thank goodness I found an earthworm that knew which rock you were under.

JERRY

You look hot and sweaty. Can I get you something to drink?

BERNIE

Got an Egg Cream?

JERRY

A what?

BERNIE

It’s a New York thing. Please, whatever you have.

JERRY

Let’s talk about the 2016 election. You almost won the Democratic nomination.

Loud footsteps are heard.

ASSISTANT

Is this water bottle for Bernie Sanders?

JERRY

No. I’m christening a ship. Of course it’s for him, you idiot. Now get the hell out of here.

BERNIE

(gulping water)

Yeah, I should have won. Hillary had all those super delegates before the campaign began. The odds were stacked against me.

JERRY

But you ended up winning 23 states in the primary. Wisconsin, Michigan…

BERNIE

Washington, Oregon, West Virginia and so forth. Nobody thought I’d win anything. I had larger crowds in Seattle in one day than the Mariners had all season.

JERRY

That team sucks.

BERNIE

28,000 people in Portland. Speaking of Oregon, I have a couple of jokes.

JERRY

Okay.

BERNIE

Why couldn’t the baby Jesus be born in Oregon?

JERRY

I don’t know.

BERNIE

Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.

Both are laughing.

BERNIE

Here’s another one. Why are rectal thermometers banned in Oregon?

JERRY

Got me.

BERNIE

They cause too much brain damage.

JERRY

(laughing)

You should be doing weekends at the Comedy Store.

BERNIE

Better yet, I should be the star of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I look more like Larry David than he does.

JERRY

Let’s go over your record. You’ve served longer than any person in Congress — 27 years.

BERNIE

True.

JERRY

You grew up poor in Brooklyn.

BERNIE

Absolutely. My father had two nickels to rub together. And guess what?

JERRY

No clue.

BERNIE

My brother and I stole them. Don’t ask. He was checking the holes in his socks for weeks.

JERRY

You were elected to the House of Representatives in 1990 and the Senate in 2006. You are a progressive voice for campaign finance reform, corporate welfare, climate change…

BERNIE

Let me stop you there. Climate change. Donald Trump and the Republicans are climate deniers, yet 97 percent of scientists say it’s a fact. There’s so little ice left in the Arctic that polar bears are hitchhiking to Minnesota. Can you imagine?

JERRY

Hey Bernie, speaking of polar bears I have a good one.

BERNIE

Go ahead.

JERRY

What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?

BERNIE

The dentist.

JERRY

How did you know the punch line?

BERNIE

I made up the joke.

JERRY

You were a carpenter after college. Is that true?

BERNIE

Yes. I built an ark that sailed in the Atlantic for 40 days and 40 nights. Two of everything were on board… lions, elephants, cows, Republicans, Democrats, Independents. We ran out of food so I had to turn back.

JERRY

What happened to the ark?

BERNIE

It’s a ship in the Bangladesh Navy.

JERRY

Are you running for president again? You’re an old fart.

BERNIE

Excuse me. I’m 74 years young and will be the next president of the United States. I promise every American a quart of Ben and Jerry’s Bernie’s Yearning ice cream.

JERRY

That’s fattening. A half cup is 250 calories.

BERNIE

Calories, shmalories. My motto is “Eat today, wear tomorrow.”

JERRY

Words of wisdom from the man who knew Abe Lincoln.

BERNIE

Look, let me make it perfectly clear. It’s my Uncle Abe and he made a delicious chicken soup.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. His play The Boys of Winter received an IRNE Award nomination for best new play by the New England Theatres Critic Association and was the Critic’s Pick in The Boston Globe. He is presently developing a screenplay that will be directed by Scott Rosenfelt, the producer of the box office hits Home Alone and Mystic Pizza.

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