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Argus Hamilton Comments on the News: BP and More

May 302011
 
 By , May 30, 2011

New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices slide on news of the death of Osama bin Laden. His very existence had maintained Mideast tensions and pushed up oil prices for ten years. If Detroit had any decency at all they’d name an electric car after him.

General Motors posted its biggest quarterly profit in ten years Friday, making three billion dollars in earnings. They did it by selling large trucks and SUVs. Democrats are beginning to wonder if President Obama wears a bracelet inscribed What Would Bush Do?

Michael Moore complained Thursday that the White House used waterboarding and wiretapping and death squads to get bin Laden. What’d he expect? When Barack Obama first announced for president genealogists noted that he was Dick Cheney’s twelfth cousin.

BP paid a fine to the U.S. government Friday to settle an old offshore spill in Alaska. It was the last fine for a while. President Obama lost the moral high ground on offshore drilling last week when he started dumping fish food into the ocean that may contain lead.

Lindsay Lohan’s trial for shoplifting and breaking drug and alcohol probation starts this week in L.A. She got very lucky. It was reduced from a felony to a misdemeanor before bin Laden got killed and everybody on the FBI’s Most Wanted list moved up a notch.

Los Angeles held a giant Mexican heritage festival at the Farmers Market Thursday in honor of Cinco de Mayo. There’s a special cab service in Los Angeles for people who drink on Cinco de Mayo. They’ll come and pick you up but you have to ride in the trunk.

Osama bin Laden’s papers revealed he was planning a train attack along the lines of the Twin Towers attack. This speaks to the quality of the pot in his garden. It has to be pretty good stuff to let you think it’s feasible to hijack a train and drive it into a skyscraper.

The U.S. asked Pakistan Friday to return the stealth chopper the SEALs left burning in bin Laden’s yard. It offers an explanation as to why he offered no resistance. Bin Laden woke up, looked out the window, saw the flames, and just assumed he had already died.

South Carolina’s GOP debate turned Herman Cain in a party star Thursday. The local GOP focus groups all said the black business executive won. The feeling was unanimous among South Carolina’s Republicans that he could be our first African-American president.

Donald Trump backed out of driving the Indy 500 pace car Friday when local Democrats protested that Trump’s questioning of Obama’s birth certificate meant he was a racist. The Democrats got their way. Now Colin Powell will wave the Confederate flag to start the race.

President Obama touted the quarter-million new jobs reported Friday at a speech in Indianapolis. However, one-fourth of the new jobs were for McDonald’s new graveyard shift. The rest are emergency room nurses trained to treat McDonald’s-related illnesses.

The Postal Service announced Friday it will pinpoint post offices for closure in June due to reduced demand. That could turn around. Gas is so expensive that it’ll soon be cheaper for people to mail themselves to wherever they’re going on vacation this summer.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.