[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
TOPEKA, Kansas – A local woman was transported to KVC Psychiatric Hospital Sunday evening after neighbors called 911 to report a crazed woman trying to build a “doomsday bunker” in her back yard.
Norma Lee Fein, 58, was busy using a chainsaw to cut down a tree in her back yard to make room for a planned bunker when her neighbors tried to stop her. When Fein refused to put the chainsaw down, threatening to cut anyone who got in her way, the neighbors called police.
Paramedics were called to the scene, and once officers were able to subdue the woman, it was determined she would be transported to a psychiatric facility for evaluation.
“I was in my living room watching Coast Guard Florida on the Weather Channel when I heard a loud buzzing noise,” said Ed Franklin, Fein’s next door neighbor. “I said to my wife, Edna, ‘that there sounds like a chain saw.'”
Franklin said he went around to the back yard and watched as his neighbor, Norma Lee was getting ready to cut down a maple tree that stood along their mutual fence line.
“Norma’s usually a quiet woman who stays to herself,” said Franklin. “To be honest, I didn’t even know she owned a chain saw,” he said. “Anyways, when I tried to get her to stop cutting the tree down, she threatened to cut me too, so I called the cops.”
Once Fein was subdued and strapped to a gurney for transportation to the hospital, Franklin said he asked Norma what would have made her do such a thing.
“The world’s coming to an end, Ed,” she told me. “I seen it with my own eyes. I been watching the Discovery Channel since Tuesday — that’s when they started with the stories about the end times, the Mayans, Armageddon, all that crap. Then I watched more stories about what’s gonna happen to us, how if the earthquakes don’t get us, the tornadoes will, or the hurricanes or the tsunamis — course I wasn’t too worried about the tsunamis since I ain’t nowheres near a ocean.”
But Ed says Fein told him that the final breaking point was the show called Doomsday Bunkers where supposedly normal, God-fearing people are using all their hard-earned money to have bunkers built on their property in order to protect their families and their homes from everything from deadly storms to nuclear war to neighbors attacking like zombies.
“I’m guessing she just snapped,” said Ed, who excused himself as Norma Lee was being driven off.
“Sorry guys, but I gotta get back inside now. There’s a show coming on The History Channel called After Armageddon that I don’t wanna miss.”
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