[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
Candidate’s biggest backer likes long shots
Most common folks in America don’t even know who Sheldon Adelson is, but come Saturday, after he is announced the winner of the Mega Millions Lotto, he’ll become a household name, just like the man he’s backing for President, Newt Gingrich.
Adelson and his family are already rich, mind you, and have been Gingrich’s most ardent supporters, contributing tens of millions of dollars to the Gingrich Super PAC, Winning Our Future.
But insider reports say that Adelson is worried that Gingrich can no longer bring in the kind of big bucks it takes to run a first-class or, at the very least, not-too-shabby, Presidential campaign, and feels he is throwing good money after bad.
However, Adelson is nothing if not resourceful, and saw an opportunity, being a gambling man from Vegas. When he learned that the Mega Millions Lotto was worth nearly $700 millon, Adelson decided he was willing to throw a million more dollars at the fledgling candidate — by buying a million chances to win the mother of all jackpots.
“I call him my multi-million dollar kid,” said Adelson from his Vegas hotel room on Thursday. “I’ve put a boatload of money into his campaign, and I believe he’s earned every penny, even if the majority of conservative Americans aren’t buying what he’s selling.”
“So, what’s another million?” asked Adelson, as he reached for the banker’s box of lottery tickets his aide just delivered to his hotel room.
If and when he wins the Mega Millions, Adelson says he’ll spend it all on paying Mitt Romney to either bow out of the race or hand Gingrich the VP position.
“If all else fails and we get nothing, well, I’ll just use my piles of money to buy more influence in congress, like everyone else,” he said.
Latest posts by P. Beckert (see all)
- EPA Designates White House a Toxic Waste Site - June 9, 2017
- Eric Trump Claims Daddy Robbed His Piggy Bank - June 7, 2017
- Trump Orders All Cabinet Members to Wear Shock Collars - February 27, 2017
Like the above content? Leave a comment below! Get notified of new content on HumorTimes.com: Subscribe via email!