CAC banner ad
WET River Trips
Humor Times subscribe

Fun with the News: Repubs & More

Apr 102012
 
 By , April 10, 2012
Fun with the News: Repubs & More

James Bond will change his drink to Heineken’s Beer in the new movie Sky Fall. For fifty years he’s ordered a martini, shaken not stirred. In the new movie he meets half the number of girls Bond used to meet in the bar because he must make twice as many trips to the bathroom.

Tim Tebow arranged to be photographed getting a pedicure and a manicure at a West Hollywood salon. He had his nails painted with white crosses on black polish. Evangelicals have made up their mind if they’re going to campaign for Romney they’d better look good in flip-flops.

The U.S. Supreme Court ruled Thursday that U.S. citizens can be strip-searched by authorities for any reason that the authorities deem necessary. The courts want to give the police plenty of latitude. If you don’t take off the hoodie, you can’t make a rational decision.

O.J. Simpson did not murder his wife, Nicole Brown, eighteen years ago, according to an investigator’s book, which says O.J.’s son did it. The revelation and controversy is right on time. If Los Angeles doesn’t burn itself down every eighteen years the trees don’t bear fruit.

The Newt Gingrich Group filed for bankruptcy after companies stopped paying two hundred grand to be members. Suddenly they don’t find his advice all that useful. It just shows how hard it is to collect bribes in this economy when you have no shot of winning.

The Justice Department handed in its homework on time to the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals Thursday. The administration had to write a three-page paper admitting that the Supreme Court can overturn laws passed by Congress. That was the only statement in the paper, but it ran three pages because they were required to write it three hundred times.

President Obama withdrew his statement that the Supreme Court lacks authority to toss out ObamaCare. It’s a strategic retreat. Last night Obama was overheard on a hot mike telling Russia’s ambassador that the Constitution isn’t in effect during a second term.

France’s Tourism Ministry was caught trying to lure British tourists to France using ad photos of a beach in South Africa. They’ll always draw tourists. The Louvre shows more breasts than any museum in the world except for the Bill Clinton Presidential Library.

President Obama warned Thursday if the Supreme Court overturned his health care law seniors and poor people might not get their prescription drugs. It made a lot of people concerned. Anyone who says laughter is the best medicine has never taken Vicodin.

Homeland Security announced a relaxed immigration policy Friday allowing illegal aliens to stay in the U.S. without being deported. An administration spokesman said you can’t simply move twelve million people to another country. That’s not true, Mexico did it.

President Obama addressed AP editors in Washington Tuesday and blamed his woes on the bad economy he inherited from President Bush. That’s undignified. You’ll never hear President Bush complain about the presidency that he inherited from President Bush.

North Korea vowed to go ahead with its long-range missile launch of a satellite into orbit Thursday risking U.S. reprisal. Long-range missiles are no longer necessary to destroy another nation. You just borrow money from the country and refuse to pay it back.

The Agriculture Department warned Friday that the U.S. faces a shortage of younger farmers. The secretary told reporters the average age of a farmer in New Mexico, Texas and Arizona is nearly sixty. The department should have factored in California where thanks to its perfect growing climate for marijuana the average age of a farmer is fifteen.

The following two tabs change content below.
avatar
Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.