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Fun with the News: Secret Service & More

Apr 242012
 
 By , April 24, 2012
Fun with the News: Secret Service & More

Spirit Airlines jumped on the Secret Service hooker scandal by offering twenty-dollar flights to Cartagena Friday. The scandal’s had a worldwide impact. In order to compete, Las Vegas hotels made all their pools topless and started putting cocaine under the pillows.

Colombian hooker Dania Suarez admitted she ignited the Secret Service sex scandal Friday. She’s one of twenty hookers who made two hundred dollars an hour at the party. Four years ago President Obama promised better-paying jobs for women, and he delivered.

The Secret Service agent fired in the hotel scandal posted online about his lust for Sarah Palin while he was protecting her four years ago. The agent said he looked her up and down and liked what he saw. When a woman wears a business suit, what does she expect to happen?

Julia Louis-Dreyfus drew critical raves for HBO’s new sitcom, Veep, on Sunday. She plays a hapless U.S. vice president who’s sabotaged by a treacherous staff. The producer had to audition everybody in Hollywood to find a vice president that’s funnier than Joe Biden.

India announced it test-launched an ICBM missile that delivered a payload on target Friday, increasing tensions in the region. India, Egypt, Israel, Pakistan and China all have nuclear bombs. The British never remember to clean out the closet before they leave.

Rocker Ted Nugent met with the Secret Service Friday to assure agents he was not threatening the president when he urged the NRA convention to behead him. It wasn’t a serious threat. Rockers from his generation only bite the heads off of bats, not presidents.

President Obama campaigned in Michigan Thursday where he reminded voters that he was not born with a silver spoon in his mouth. That’s not quite the whole story. Barack Obama was not born with a silver spoon in his mouth, it was a Chocolate Labrador.

Mitt Romney bristled after President Obama said he wasn’t born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Who had it easier? While Mitt Romney was having to hit a three-iron out of the rough into a cold north wind in Michigan, Barack Obama grew up playing golf in Hawaii.

Mitt Romney visited an empty factory in Ohio which closed during the Bush presidency and blamed its ongoing idleness on Obama. You can’t revive a factory that’s in a dying industry. It manufactured alarm clocks for people who need to get up and go to work in the morning.

Ron Paul: the Road to Revolution is a new video game invented by a Texas computer engineer. The inventor said his purpose is to make liberty action-packed and sexy. When you drive your car over the prostitute on the corner she holds up a Don’t Tread on Me sign.

JFK Airport had another bird strike when geese flew into the right engine of a Delta airliner, forcing the captain to abort the flight after take-off and make an emergency landing. The competition is riveting. After ten years the Canadian geese and al-Qaeda are tied at three planes apiece.

The U.S. Senate passed a bill Friday requiring black boxes in all new cars which would record data to trace the cause of car accidents. What’s the point? Unless you put your smart phone in the black box before you start the car it’s not going to prevent accidents.

President Obama posed for photos sitting in the same bus where civil rights pioneer Rosa Parks refused to yield her seat sixty years ago. The bus is in a museum in suburban Dearborn, Michigan. In order for the exhibit to show the correct historical setting the bus had to be displayed in a completely segregated city, and Detroit won the bidding over Chicago.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.