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Argus Has Fun with the News: Boehner & More

May 082012
 
 By , May 8, 2012
Argus Has Fun with the News: Boehner & More

Vogue editors around the world signed a healthy-models pledge Friday not to work with male or female models that are underweight. This false ideal is a drain on the U.S. economy. Right now half our money goes to buy food, the other half goes to lose weight.

Hillary Clinton rescued a blind Chinese dissident in Beijing Friday by arranging a U.S. college teaching fellowship for him. Last year her husband came home with two U.S. female hikers who had been held as hostages in North Korea. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

President Obama’s website put up a slide show about a fictional woman named Julia who benefits from Obama’s policies throughout her life. It’s riveting. The slide show also illustrates how Mitt Romney would fire her and tie her to the top of the station wagon.

GOP billionaire David Koch gave the Smithsonian thirty-five million dollars for a dinosaurs hall on the National Mall. It was a trade-off. When Republicans agreed to a statue of Martin Luther King on the National Mall, Democrats had to agree to a Museum of Oil Origin.

The Pentagon released Osama bin Laden’s home videos Tuesday. He dyed his hair to hide the grey, smoked pot, slept with three women and liked to watch himself on TV. FBI profilers have just arrested Jack Nicholson on suspicion of being al-Qaeda’s new leader.

Pepsi signed a deal with Michael Jackson’s estate Friday to feature the King of Pop’s image on cans. They’re re-branding the product. Pepsi took out the sugar and replaced it with Valium, Xanax, Zoloft, Paxil, Dilaudid, Demerol, Percoset and hospital-grade Propofol.

Colombian hooker Dania Suarez said she wouldn’t have charged agent Art Harrington for sex if she’d known he was Secret Service. Everyone’s generous in retrospect. Art Harrington said that if he’d known she was going to get him fired he would have killed her.

The Secret Service moved to shut down Chicago commuter trains during next week’s NATO Summit amid fierce local opposition. They’ll conduct airport-style patdowns on everyone. Until this, not even Phil Mickelson would have bet that Romney will carry Illinois.

The NFL was sued by retired players for brain damage from concussions Friday. It’s brutal playing an average of sixteen games a year for ten years. That’s one hundred and sixty bar fights the night after the game and Mohammed Ali didn’t take that many punches.

Facebook’s founder Mark Zuckerberg is set to become a billionaire this week when his company goes public and sells stock. The social networking site’s popularity is a global phenomenon. Facebook has five hundred million users, second only to marijuana.

Mitt Romney spoke at campaign rallies in Pittsburgh Friday where the presumptive GOP nominee is making an effort to reach out to the working class. The crowds always show up on time for his campaign rallies. Mitt’s reputation for firing people precedes him.

The Labor Department said Friday eighty-eight million Americans aren’t in the labor force and have dropped out. The job market is just terrible. Parents only suffer from empty nest syndrome for four years before they are afflicted with basement overcrowding.

The FAA ripped a Delta Airlines passenger who used a camera phone to record last week’s bird strike on the jet engines, which forced the plane to land. They said he used an electronic device during take-off. Until now, no one knew that the ban on cell phone use on airplanes was intended to conceal evidence that airports had become bird sanctuaries.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.