[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
If not the May 20 solar eclipse, then surely the end of the world will come by the Mayan’s 12/21/12 DEADline! Right??
Are all your affairs in order? You may not have much time. Haven’t you heard? It’s the end of the world. And not just “as we know it” — this earth is a complete goner!
That’s why I’m selling everything I own — “you can’t take it with you,” ya know! — and hitting the road to warn the nonbelievers.
How will it happen? Nobody knows for sure. But there are plenty of likely scenarios. There’s all the standard traditional ones, of course: Flood, famine, plagues, earthquakes, volcanoes, fire — or some combination of these.
Then there are the more modern possibilities: Aliens, nuclear annihilation, biological warfare, effects of global warming, sunspots wiping out our electronics and effectively wiping out our infrastructure and society along with it.
Pick one. What does it matter? The End is The End. (Just be sure your pet will be cared for after you leave!)
All I know is it’s coming — my pastor, John MacArthur, said so. And he should know — he’s got a direct line to the Creator who started it all. And if the Creator becomes the Destroyer, what good does all our knowledge do us? There’s no fighting it.
Pastor MacArthur is a Christian, and as he said, “This earth was never ever intended to be a permanent planet.” After all, it’s only been here a scant 6,000 years — you know, back when dinosaurs were trained as pack animals and pets, like in that fine Christian Flintstones cartoon show.
What’s the use of fighting the inevitable? And why waste energy trying to “save the earth,” when even the One who made it promised to destroy it soon?
As Pastor John says, “I’ve told environmentalists that if they think humanity is wrecking the planet, wait until they see what Jesus does to it.” Yeah, man, He’ll make all those apocalypse movies look like child’s play! The Peaceful One will turn into the Mega-Destroyer!
Doubt me? Just listen to Jeremiah:
Disasters will soon spread from nation to nation. They will come like a powerful storm to all the faraway places on earth… The Destroyer will come against every town, not one town will escape … The Lord said this will happen. — Jeremiah 25:32 & 48:8
Yup. The Lord said so — and I know, cuz Jeremiah said so. So, there ya go.
In fact, the end of the world has been predicted for so long, it’s got to happen soon.
Paul the disciple was predicting it right after Jesus rose from the dead: “What I mean, brothers, is that the time is short. From now on those who have wives should live as if they had none; those who mourn, as if they did not; those who are happy, as if they were not; those who buy something, as if it were not theirs to keep; those who use the things of the world, as if not engrossed in them. For this world in its present form is passing away.” — 1 Corinthians 7:29-31 (NIV)
Right. Stop being happy. Stop having sex. What’s the matter with you? You think God will want you in heaven if you’re content and satiated? Or worse yet — happy?! Everyone knows heaven is for the miserable.
Now, I hear some of you laughing. Sure, go ahead. “He who laughs last” and all that. Of course, apparently, we’re not supposed to laugh in heaven, but you get the point. Your arrogant smile will doom you!
Way back in the 1840’s, William Miller predicted the end of the world. He decoded hidden messages in the Bible. He even founded the Millerite cult, which had thousands of members nationwide. He forecast October 22, 1844 as the date of the Second Coming. But when that date passed without incident, it became known as the “Great Disappointment.” Heck, I’d be disappointed too.
But his effort wasn’t wasted, as several disillusioned former Millerites went on to found some very familiar splinter groups — including the Jehovah’s Witnesses and the Seventh-Day Adventists — who, of course, went on to have great End Times predicting careers themselves.
Then, more recently, the good — and now ex — Reverend fundamentalist radio preacher Harold Camping also decoded the Bible, and came up with an end date of May 21, 2011. And after that didn’t happen, he adjusted it to October 21st. But he was obviously off — by, as it happens, nearly exactly one year — or, perhaps, fourteen months. Time will tell.
Yes, good Christians have been predicting the end of the world, well, ever since there was Christianity. And it’s bound to happen someday, making every one of them right — if slightly inaccurate. But still.
So, go ahead and enjoy the eclipse this Sunday, you hedonistic sun worshiper, you. While my fellow parishioners and I are being Raptured straight out of our church pews, you’ll be going blind looking at the sun, which won’t even matter, since you’ll also be getting consumed by flood, famine, plagues, earthquakes, volcanoes or fire — pick one. And we’ll be laughing all the way to the spiritual bank of holiness, where we’ll all (solemnly) enjoy seeing you get your comeuppance. Praise the Lord and pass the cupcakes! I hope I get to sit in the front row!
Or, it’ll happen December 21st. Or, some other day. That’s OK, we religious types are used to delayed gratification. (See the bit about not being happy, above.) But one day, we’ll get what we’ve been praying for — the end of the world! Hallelujah!
— By James Bulleevit
The Good Reverend John MacArthur invites you to his very last sermon, this Sunday, where we can view the eclipse without fear, as the Lord shields our eyes with His Heavenly Eclipse Goggles®, while lifting us to His side. Or not.
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