[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
By Matt Rock, PardonThePundit.com
A young female alternate juror in the John Edwards trial, who has received a fair bit of media attention recently after allegedly flirting with Edwards in the courtroom via smiles and nods, was rushed to an undisclosed Greensboro, North Carolina hospital earlier tonight. The woman is expected to be released tomorrow morning, and will probably be removed from the case as soon as the trial resumes after the Memorial Day weekend.
Insiders with the North Carolina State Police have leaked to the press that the woman managed to contract a rare sexually-transmitted disease, which can infect someone if they so much as think about sleeping with someone as sleazy as John Edwards.
“It isn’t life-threatening. She’ll need pills and ointments, applied to body parts I can’t name out loud, with tools I shouldn’t elaborate on,” said Dr. Allan Doyle, a gynecologist here in Washington DC. “Some people are just plain-old skanks, like this woman. I mean really, to sit in a court room and flirt with a guy like John Edwards… I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been through STD treatments before.”
Dr. Doyle warns that the STD isn’t only threatening to people who fantasize about Edwards. “There are lots of celebrities who can give you an STD just by thinking about them. As a rule of thumb, get yourself checked if you ever find yourself thinking naughty thoughts about Paris Hilton, Charlie Sheen, Anthony Weiner, anyone from the cast of ‘Jersey Shore,’ John Ensign, Britney Spears, or anyone with the last name ‘Kardashian.’”
This fake news piece originated with our friends over at Pardon the Pundit — check ’em out!
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