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Argus Has Fun with the News: Elvis & More

Jun 012012
 By , June 1, 2012
Argus Has Fun with the News: Elvis & More

News is that Elvis Presley’s tomb will be sold at Julian’s Auction House in New York Tuesday. The minimum bid is one hundred grand. So many businesses have left the United States that dead celebrities now account for almost twenty percent of the Gross National Product.

Donald Trump said Wednesday he discussed with Mitt Romney the problem of China and India and their threat to American workers. It makes no sense. If Donald Trump is so solidly for the American worker, then why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife?

Mitt Romney distanced himself from Donald Trump’s birth certificate claims against Obama. That’s shrewd of Romney. Most Republicans possess an Anglo-Saxon sense of fair play, and if Obama gets disqualified their first instinct might be to make it up to Hillary.

Al Sharpton was revealed in federal court testimony last week to have pitched a TV pilot in Hollywood starring himself called Judge Sharpton that was bankrolled by a Brooklyn cocaine dealer. No one’s judging him out here. The networks don’t take checks.

The L.A. Coliseum was rented for a porn movie shoot Tuesday. The action takes place on the field. The L.A City Council explained they’re just trying to keep those jobs in Los Angeles because Angels Stadium would work just as well and their beer prices are better.

Pentecostal preacher Mark Wofford died of a rattlesnake bite he’d received while he was preaching in West Virginia Sunday. His father also died from snake bites he’d gotten onstage in the pulpit. The church isn’t very sophisticated but the members always have something to talk about when they get home besides what everybody was wearing.

President Obama released a list of hits he’s ordered on al-Qaeda leaders Tuesday. He wants it known he ordered the assassinations. As soon as he expressed his support for gay marriage you knew he would do something way over the top to prove that he’s straight.

U.S. drone aircraft killed al-Qaeda’s number-two man with a missile strike Friday. It’s the sixth number-two al-Qaeda leader we’ve killed with drone attacks. Either the job has a high turnover rate or the White House can’t be bothered to re-write the press release.

President Obama told Jewish conservative leaders on Tuesday he knows more about Israel than any other past president. His reverence for Israel is genuine. The last time he was in Jerusalem he placed a rolled up prayer in the Wailing That It’s Bush’s Fault Wall.

President Obama angered Poles by referring to Nazi death camps in Poland as Polish death camps. The Poles are his party’s most reliable voters. No one thought it was possible for a Democrat to lose Chicago but Obama’s determined to be the first in everything.

John Edwards was reported Friday to have flirted with female jurors from his chair in court. It’s not like he has an image to protect. If you’re accused of bilking old ladies to hide a pregnant mistress from your dying wife, how is flirting with the jury dirty pool?

The Census Bureau said Wednesday a million and a half people have left the state of New York during the last four years. They said most have moved to Florida, Georgia and South Carolina. They’re attracted by warm weather, lower taxes and the hope of secession.

Queen Elizabeth celebrates her Diamond Jubilee in London Friday. Her era has been epic. France’s president complained in a Paris disco Monday that all the songs were in English, but if it weren’t for the English-speaking peoples all the songs would be in German.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.

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