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Argus Has Fun with the News: Cannibals & More

Jun 052012
 
 By , June 5, 2012
Argus Has Fun with the News: Cannibals & More

New York is in the news, having banned public school teachers from social media contact with students to try to stop teacher-student sex hook-ups. The epidemic has spread to Florida, Tucson, Minnesota and L.A. The good news is, it’s been three years since anybody was late to school.

Snow White and the Huntsman is a huge hit which stars Charlize Theron as the evil queen. She murders people in order to stay young. In the end Snow White marries the handsome prince and the queen gets rich marketing her beauty secrets in Los Angeles.

Scotland Yard arrested a cannibal in Germany Monday just days after Maryland cops arrested a cannibal in Annapolis and Miami Beach police shot a cannibal. You’d think they would stay at home. When you’re a cannibal, every channel on TV is the Food Network.

Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee ended in a St Paul’s Cathedral service Tuesday. It made some Americans wistful. No U.S. president can hear God Save the Queen without wishing that someone sang Hail to the Chief when he walked into the room besides himself.

The EPA angered Nebraskans and Iowans by deploying drone aircraft to spy on their cattle ranches. They’ll say it’s for national security. Any day now watch for the White House to announce that a drone strike killed the number-two leader of the herd, Moo-Mar.

The U.S. Capitol press gallery is itself in the news, as it was drenched by an exploding pipe from a men’s room urinal Monday. It may be connected to last week’s story about Obama’s secret kill list. Once the president starts leaking to the New York Times everybody figures they can do it.

The Boston Globe said local black ministers chastised Elizabeth Warren Monday for claiming Indian ancestry. Technically she may be correct. One look at her and it’s plain that her ancestors were not Indians but a few of them could have been the Viceroy of India.

Hillary Clinton is in the news again. She accompanied scientists to the North Pole and Greenland to check out the vanishing ice shelf. The scientists weren’t just studying the glaciers. Climatologists are unable to explain how the ice shelf is breaking up and yet the Clintons remain together.

President Obama agreed to sing at a New York fundraiser in an event called Barack on Broadway. Free at last. It eats Barack Obama alive to fly to Kabul in a pinstripe suit while Hamid Karzai gets to wear the top hat and cape and twirl the cane in all the numbers.

Egypt’s presidential candidates make their final pitches on Saturday. The country is tense. Voters must choose a military dictatorship or an Islamist dictatorship, giving Egypt’s political cartoonists fourteen days to be funny before they are executed either way.

John Edwards was contrite after a jury acquitted him of laundering a wealthy widow’s check to conceal a mistress’s pregnancy from his dying wife. All three women are out of his life. It’s the first time that an acquittal been saluted on Sports Center as the Play of the Day.

Leon Panetta asked Vietnam for use of a third harbor for the U.S. Navy Saturday. They have allowed the U.S. Navy to dock there ever since they went free market. Vietnam is the only war we ever lost to communism where we left behind capitalism and the U.S. Navy.

Tiger Woods sank a dramatic chip shot to win Jack Nicklaus’s Memorial Tournament in Columbus on Sunday. He won previously this year at Arnold Palmer’s tournament. You figured his old game would return when the incentive involved seeing another legend.

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Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country.