[Disclaimer: This article is satire, or what we used to call "fake news" before actual fake news started poisoning the political discourse!]
According to reliable sources, Mitt Romney is about to get a brand new tour bus, as his old one is falling apart and starting to smell a bit inside from all the diner food he and his staff are obliged to eat in order to please his followers.
The fact that Karl Rove has been aboard the bus numerous times hasn’t helped matters.
“Going from gourmet to greasy spoon is not agreeing with Willard,” said Pamela Fardi, Romney’s appointment secretary. “And, well, a rather unpleasant smell seems to have permeated the upholstery in the bus. Quite frankly, the febreze just isn’t working anymore,” she added.
But new tour buses don’t come cheap, so Romney had to come up with something better than smelly seat cushions to get the Koch Brothers to spring for a new million dollar luxury coach with all the bells and whistles.
“No hay problema,” said Romney in his best Mexican accent. “I just told them I need a bus that is equipped with gaydar. They hate the gays, you know. So naturally, I convinced them we need the latest technology, you know, that will help us steer clear of the homosexuals lying in wait to sabotage our campaign.”
Reporters caught up to Romney where he was shopping for his new ride, and caught the tail end of the conversation he was having with one of the interior designers, Rodriguo.
“Uh huh, uh huh,” said Romney. “So, Rodriguo, does this gaydar work kind of like those fish finders we have on the yacht?”
“Oh, yes, Mr. Romney,” replied Rodriguo while marveling at the candidate’s fit physique. “That’s exactly how gaydar works. Now, do you want the gaydar installed with or without the electrosphynctometer?”
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