"Unflinching Triumph" Interview
The new exposé movie Unflinching Triumph: The Philip Rockhammer Story is a film that explores the lives of people involved in the newly professional sport of “Staredown.” The Humor Times sat down for an exclusive interview with two of Pro Staredown’s star players, athletes who were both featured in the movie. While many question
whether it should even be called a "sport," adherents to the game – which evolved from the
simple playground pastime played by kids the world over, seemingly since time immemorial –
say that if poker can be called a "sport," Staredown should be all the more so.
We talked to both five-time champion Tony Patterson and the winner of the latest, most
controversial, title, Philip Rockhammer. We wanted to interview them together, but they would
not agree to it, as the animosity between the two competitors is at an all-time high.
First we sat down with Philip.
Humor Times: Philip, do you think it takes a certain kind of personality to first, want to compete
in the sport of Staredown, and then to be really good at it?
Philip Rockhammer: Staredown has a wide variety of people who compete, and I can't speak
for everyone, but it seems the people who excel at it are the people who can just zone out and
detach completely from reality.
HT: I see. What drew you to the sport?
PR: I was at a bar one night and there was a tournament going on and I thought what the hell. I
just dropped out of college for the 2nd time, I didn't have a job, so I thought it might be an easy
way to make some cash.
HT: Were you good at other sports in school?
PR: I was a back-up on the JV cross-country, but that's about it, so I guess the answer is no.
Although I did come in 3rd in a spelling bee once and was a level 5 warlock in D&D, if that
counts for anything.
HT: Do you think colleges have Staredown teams?
PR: Sure why not, they waste money on woman's sports, why not Staredown?
HT: We understand you have retired from Pro Staredown.
PR: Yes, I've moved on to demolition derby, which has been a deeply rewarding, nearly
religious, experience.
HT: Interesting. Do you think the sport was good for you?
PR: Well, I have a tendency to take things overboard, and some would say Staredown cost me
my relationship. But the only person saying that is Crissy and what does she know. Apparently,
now she's dating some banker dude and they just bought a house, so what the hell does she know
anyway.
HT: Do you feel it brings out bad qualities in players?
PR: I don't think Staredown itself brings out bad qualities in people, unless you're already an
asshole like Tony Patterson, then it just amplifies it.
HT: Do you think Staredown will ever make it to the level of other sports in general popularity?
PR: Beats me. All I know is they show poker on tv now, so why not.
Next, we talked to Tony Patterson.
HT: Tony, thanks for being here. Tell us, do you think it takes a certain kind of personality to
want to compete in the sport of Staredown?
TP: Of course there is a certain kind of personality, the personality is that you want to eat the
soul of your opponent through his eye balls. If you can't do that, then you should get the hell out
of my sport! I constantly eat the soul of anyone that steps up to the line.
HT: Wow. Well, what drew you to the sport in the first place?
TP: I was in the parking lot of my local watering hole when a couple of jackasses tried to mug
me. I walked right up to the "Alpha" male of their group and stared straight into his eyes, dropped
the crankshaft on him and he and his boys shrank back like a bunch of scared girls. When I did
that, I knew that I could take that to the next level and make people melt like girls, for money!
HT: And were you good at other sports in school?
TP: If All-State high school quarterback is good, than ummm yeah!
HT: Uh huh. Tony, do you believe colleges should have Staredown teams?
TP: Absolutely, cause then they would have more time to prepare to come up against me. Not
that they would win, but it gives me greater pleasure knocking someone down from a larger
pedestal. Plus, it would give me one more college sport to gamble on!
HT: Where do you see your career in Staredown going? For how long? Do you have any
contingency plans in case it doesn't pan out?
TP: I am going to have a championship for every finger and toe! I already have 5, should have 6
(the loss is still under protest), and I won't stop until I have cataracts. Although if you think about
it, staring against someone who has cataracts would be pretty creepy. I might work on that. Give
me an even bigger edge!
HT: Right... What do you like best about the sport?
TP: Winning.
HT: What do you feel is the worst thing that can be said about Pro Staredown?
TP: That Philip Rockhammer is a professional Staredown Champion! If he hadn't run away like
a coward, and instead given me the rematch that we should have had, then I would be six-time
National Champ! Rockhammer is an ass clown that deserves to get his head smashed in at the
derby. In fact, I am thinking about getting a car, painting the number 666 on it and running it into
him just to prove that I am, and always will be better than him, at whatever he does. And, I hear
that his lady left him. Chrissy, call me for a drink!
HT: Do you think Staredown will ever make it to the level of other sports in general popularity?
TP: Yeah, if NASCAR can be the fastest growing sport, and it's just a bunch of guys making a
constant left hand turn, than Staredown can make it to the highest ranks. Taking a person's will
away from them with only your eyes is far superior to a stupid sport that looks like 55 sponsor
stickers holding a car together and hoping they cross a finish line after 5 hours.
Editor's note:
Ok, so have you guessed it yet? Yeah, the film is a spoof... there is no such
pro sport as "Staredown." The movie is, however, a great
farcical take on what passes for 'sports' these days. The film is very well
done, and it's nice to have such a high-quality parody come out of northern
California.
The producers at Kontent Films carefully
created a back-story on the internet to "make believers out of skeptics." This
includes a National Association of Staredown Professionals (NASP) website, an
online petition to make Staredown an Olympic sport and much more. The film was
nominated for a 2007 Webby Award, and Sports Illustrated called it "the
most amusing parody... hilarious..." while Jake Coyle of the Associated Press
called it "unusually well-crafted and impressively funny." We at the Humor
Times loved it too, and highly recommend you check it out at this year's
Sacramento International Film Festival,
along with all the other great films presented there!
The festival goes from March 29 through April
6, 2008 at various venues, and "Unflinching Triumph: The Philip Rockhammer
Story" will screen on April 1st,
at the 24th Street Theatre, 2791 24th St., in Sacramento.
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