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Argus Hamilton comments on the newsThe Las Vegas Tourism and Convention Bureau said Tuesday that Las Vegas hotels will offer record-low room and show prices this fall. The magicians are astoundingly talented. David Copperfield now closes each show by selling his house. Tiger Woods fired a six-under-par first round Thursday to take the lead in the Barclays. He crushed the ball straight and far. Everything turned around for Tiger the day after his divorce Monday when he hired Charlie Sheen to be his new swing coach. Los Angeles sweltered in triple-digit temperatures Thursday when the Santa Ana winds came in off the desert. Tourists aren't mollified when you tell them that it's just dry heat. Their ovens back home have dry heat but they don't go there on vacation. Lindsay Lohan was let out of rehab early Wednesday so she can start shooting a new movie. It's a life lesson. There are millions of girls in America who never did drugs, never drank, and were never late to work, and nobody would pay a nickel to see them. New York construction workers vowed Thursday not to help build the Ground Zero Mosque despite the jobs it would provide. The architect released a blueprint for the planned mosques and the sanctuary is very spacious. It seats a thousand pilots. The White House hosts a Middle East peace conference in Washington Monday. The ritual never changes. We'll have the Palestinians negotiating under Islamic law, Israel negotiating under Judaic law, and President Obama negotiating under Murphy's Law. The N.Y. City Council approved the building of a one-hundred-story skyscraper built next to the Empire State Building. It's to attract business. The city is so focused on moving movie production to New York they are offering King Kong two exercise poles. Dan Quayle's son Ben Quayle won his GOP congressional primary in Arizona Tuesday and should win in November. The dad is a civil rights hero. For a hundred years Americans told Polish jokes to signify stupidity and then he became vice president and switched every one of them to Dan Quayle jokes. President Obama was picketed at Martha's Vineyard Thursday by fishermen demanding an end to new federal catch limits. They cut off offshore drilling, now they're cutting off fishing. Sea World dolphins are going to kill a dolphin a year until all their demands are met. The San Diego Padres game was halted Wednesday when a woman ran onto the field carrying a Mexican flag. The fans in the stands took a humanitarian view. They figured if she was smuggling pot across the border and into the stadium, it could help the umpire see again. The White House directed federal prosecutors to drop deportation cases against illegal aliens unless they're criminals. It's a new country. Ten years ago the most popular drink in Phoenix was Sex on the Beach and now it's Amnesty with a Wink. Governor Jan Brewer asked a U.S. judge to renew Arizona's immigration law despite evidence that many Mexicans have gone home. Arizonans are having to adjust to life with fewer illegal aliens. Just last week three people in Scottsdale returned their new leaf blowers to the hardware store demanding the one James Bond had in Thunderball. ©2010 Argus Hamilton. All Rights Reserved.
Argus Hamilton is the man Robin Williams once called "the Will Rogers of the Baby Boom." Argus' daily column of jokes on the news, now carried in over 100 newspapers across the United States, including the Humor Times, is also read and heard by millions on the Internet and on radio stations across the country. Check out his website.
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