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Ben Krull

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Ben Krull is a Family Law attorney in New York and a freelance writer. His essays have appeared in The New York Times, Baltimore Sun, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette and other publications.

Apr 092017
 
 By , April 9, 2017

“A scheduling conflict has led President Donald Trump to balk at throwing the opening day first pitch for the Washington Nationals…” — CNN

Trump first pitch

Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

The “real news” reasons President Trump declined to throw out the first pitch:

  • Caddies not permitted on pitcher’s mound.
  • He is Boycotting baseball until “illegals” are prohibited from casting ballots in All Star Game vote.
  • Too busy working on his tax returns.
  • Baseball doesn’t have hot cheerleaders wearing short skirts.
  • Knows he would fail post-game doping test.
  • Nationals wouldn’t allow him to throw bean-ball at Washington press corps.
  • Afraid Obama would steal the catcher’s sign for first pitch.
  • Ball is too large for his pitching hand.
  • Nationals’ declined his offer to re-negotiate their bad off-season trade deals.
  • Vlad thinks baseball is boring.
  • Made campaign promise to snub baseball until designated hitter rule is repealed and replaced.
  • National Park’s seating capacity is too small to have biggest Opening Day crowd ever.
  • Fox News not broadcasting the game.
  • Insulted he wasn’t invited him into clubhouse for some locker-room talk.
  • Holding out for Hall of Fame induction.
  • Throws like a girl.
Nov 062016
 
 By , November 6, 2016
Uncle Sam Visits His Shrink

Psychiatrist for Uncle Sam, Dr. Baruch Obamowitz, is called upon to interpret his patient’s recurring nightmare. Uncle Sam: In the dream I am attacked by a mob of deplorable white men. Doc: This is very perplexing. Sam: It gets stranger. The mob steals my multi-colored [more…]

Jun 142016
 
 By , June 14, 2016
Should City Slickers Be Gun Slingers?

“I think it would’ve been a lot better if they had guns in that room… They could’ve protected themselves if they had guns.” — Donald Trump Many people evidently think the answer to gun violence is for everyone to be armed. As a longtime New [more…]

Apr 092016
 
 By , April 9, 2016
Trump Plays Hardball for the Baseball Vote: Transcript

The Humor Times has obtained this exclusive transcript of Donald Trump promising to make baseball great again. We’re going to make America’s Game great again. The Dominicans are absolutely killing us. They’re crossing our foul lines and taking roster spots from American players. Folks, they [more…]

Jan 032014
 
 By , January 3, 2014
New Years Follies

Test your powers to predict the wackiest events and the coming years’ follies Who will be the first celebrity to apologize for an offensive tweet? Which politician’s extra-marital affair will be exposed on YouTube? Test your powers to predict the wackiest events of 2014. Answers [more…]

Nov 012013
 
 By , November 1, 2013
Is There an Election Going On for New York City Mayor?
Is There an Election Going On for New York City Mayor?

Test your knowledge about New York’s scintillating mayoral campaign! Give yourself one extra credit point if you knew there was an election going on in New York, and two points for being able to pick any of the candidates out from a lineup. Answers are [more…]

Aug 072013
 
 By , August 7, 2013
A Performance Enhanced Candidate

Why should only athletes be performance enhanced? In a move that promises to shake up the already quaking New York City mayoral race, suspended Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez announced that he was throwing his batting helmet into the ring. “I’ve proven that I am shameless [more…]

Dec 282012
 
 By , December 28, 2012
The 2013 Follies

Predicting the wackiest events of 2013 Which celebrity will get sued for slugging a paparazzi? Which politician will get caught cheating on his spouse? Whose alcohol-inspired tweet will keep late night talk show joke writers busy? Here is your opportunity to predict the wackiest events [more…]

Dec 172012
 
 By , December 17, 2012
Operation Grinch: The War on Christmas

President Obama authorizes an escalation in the War on Christmas “The war on Christmas is very, very real…” — Bernard McGuirk, The O’Reilly Factor, December 6, 2012 An American drone strike on a North Pole workshop, decapitating a Raggedy Ann doll and knocking the stuffing [more…]

Aug 022012
 
 By , August 2, 2012
Competing for the Olympic Vote

In Olympic Presidential Bloviating, competition is fierce Fresh off his trip abroad, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney accused President Obama of undermining America’s competitiveness in Olympic and international sports competitions. “We have a president who apologizes for America’s athletic greatness,” Mr. Romney said, [more…]

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