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Candy Schulman

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Candy Schulman is a nationally recognized writer, professor and college essay coach. She has published hundreds of personal essays, humor pieces, and articles in leading print and online publications.

Apr 142017
 
 By , April 14, 2017

The Republican’s latest attempt at a health care plan, as explained by them in this open letter to the public.

Okay, so it took us seven years to come up with a deplorable replacement for Obamacare. But in just a month we’ve devised a hugely better plan. It’s called “Omamacare.”

Sean Spicer health care plan, image by DonkeyHotey.

Sean Spicer announces “Omamacare” rollout. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

This one’s sure to pass, especially because it’ll be an easy, cheap fix to change the B in Obamacare to an M in Omamacare. Even more important, our groundbreaking piece of legislation will no longer sound like it was named after an undocumented Muslim who stole those coal jobs from heartland America.

Mothers have long been nursemaids throughout their unpaid tenure, so why stop now? Let’s leverage their skills into being our children’s doctors. They’re already well experienced in bandaging bruised knees, Mercuricroming scraped elbows, and disinfecting vomit stains when their children couldn’t make it to the bathroom in time. With just a little training, they could set broken bones and even do brain surgery.

Like M.D.’s, mothers’ personalities are stalwart: they don’t weep when their babies scream during immunizations and don’t faint while tiny foreheads get stitched back together (unlike Humpty Dumpty, we may add). They’ve long taught their kids proven medical facts: “If you go out with wet hair you’ll get deathly ill,” “If you sit too close to the TV you’ll go blind,” and “If you keep your computer on your lap you’ll become sterile.” Yes, this proves Republicans do believe in science!

Mamas have cared for offspring since the beginning of time. Mary maintained her son’s health with a plant-based clean diet and a few snacks of grasshoppers, and even kept him out of harm’s way from King Herod. In comparison, it would be a piece of gluten free cake for today’s mothers to protect their children from a few germs. (See Section 7b for new triple-digit copayment schedules for antibiotics under Omamacare, suggested by Big Pharma).

One of the main goals of this health care bill is to return women to their true role: wearing slippers in the kitchen. What better image for the future of our autocracy than a scowling post-feminist in a housedress spending half a day making chicken soup to cure her snotty-nosed kid’s cold? Of course she’ll have to quit her job as a partner in a law firm, which she stole from white male coal workers anyway.

Downsizing to a one-income family again may be too much of a hardship to afford real doctors and unaffordable prescriptions. Under Omamacare, moms can re-enact ancient cures like bloodletting, trepanation (to bore holes in the skull), and animal dung ointments. We have much to learn from more modern harebrained illness remedies: rubbing dog’s earwax on teeth or feeding cranky tots sea slug entrails to induce sleep. Worry not: free training will be provided at the Mayo Clinic in faraway freezing Minnesota. Use your own miles for airfare, ladies — do you think we’re some kind of a socialist state?

Here’s the bigliest news: every child will be covered under Omamacare. All you have to have is a mama. Everyone has a mama.

And what if your mama is…well, an angel took her to heaven? We’re still working on that glitch. We’ve already vetoed Plan B: Opapacare. True, today’s dads never remember the address of their kids’ pediatrician, which would reduce taxpayers’ high cost of doctors’ visits. Yet papas feed their heirs pizza with a side of French fries on Mama’s mental health days off. This is a high health danger from our mamas’ foolhardy insistence that like Popeye, you must eat a pound of spinach daily, or you’ll get deathly ill, go blind, and be beaten by gangs of bullies. More science. (See Section 8c for guidelines to substitute organic swiss chard or beet greens for spinach.)

Plan C is currently being debated, just in case, even though the liberal elite sector of Congress will surely reject the name: Oquackacare. This health care bill includes expanded coverage for medieval medical cures, such as corpse medicine. Instead of kale smoothies, we’ll all be drinking elixirs of human flesh, blood, and bone. An expanded list of in-network providers includes Witch doctors, heart surgeons with online degrees, and morticians.

And if you think your elected officials haven’t been busy enough, we’ve been doodling lists of alternative health care bill names, while waiting for our fearless leader to finish the back 9. Our top choice: No Child’s Butt Will Be Left Behind. Even though it just doesn’t have the mellifluous lilt of Omamacare. Hey, we still believe in poetry…until we defund the NEA.

Omamacare. Say it. Sing it. Get used to it.

Finally, did we mention that there will be some new costs to enacting Omamacare? We project a rise in drinking rates among caretaking mamas, but we’ve mandated all liquor stores to join the plan by providing 30% discounts by the case. Free delivery in the District.

Apr 062015
 
 By , April 6, 2015
New Federal Dietary Guidelines for Dummies, by Dummies

‘Eggs Are Back’ – headline in TheAtlantic.com regarding new dietary guidelines Previous Warning: Limit cholesterol-laden eggs to one a week. New Recommendation: Substitute that low-sugar-no-pulp-no-flavor OJ with 16 ounces of eggnog each morning. Lunch: savor hollandaise club sandwiches on buttered brioche. Create mouthwatering dinner parties [more…]

Oct 062014
 
 By , October 6, 2014
Why I'm Not Going on the Lena Dunham Circus Book Tour

I won’t be an opening act for Lena Dunham’s new book tour. Here’s why. I’m not that kind of girl. I hate taking off my clothes in public. “You shall not etch a tattoo on yourselves.” –Leviticus 19:28 That narcissistic cheapskate got ramrodded into compensating [more…]

Oct 032013
 
 By , October 3, 2013

Or, Why Didn’t I Listen to my Parents and NOT Major in Liberal Arts? Résumé Highlights of Qualifications: ·    A liberal arts degree from a private elite college, setting my parents back 250,000 bucks ·    Four years living in a bubble on a campus paradise [more…]

Oct 172012
 
 By , October 17, 2012
Clone Your Own

John B. Gurdon is awarded the Nobel Prize, “the first to clone an animal, a frog.” — The New York Times, October 2012 Thanks to Dr. Gurdon’s groundbreaking work, Dolly the Sheep followed Freddie the Frog—paving the way for Snuppy, the world’s first cloned canine: [more…]

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