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Mike Kelly

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A writer, hack if you wish to have the true definition, who enjoys putting the weird thoughts that run through my mind to words. I mostly enjoy writing about things political, but for variety will occasionally post something else.

Jan 172017
 
 By , January 17, 2017

Lacking any big name celebrities, the inaugural committee resorted to bizarre decision regarding Andrew Brietbart.

With just days until the swearing in of Donald J. Trump to the office of president, it has been revealed, the inaugural committee continued to be met with a very high lack of enthusiasm for participation by big name celebrities. Mr. Trump, who considers himself a big name celebrity, had pushed the committee to reduce the level of his embarrassment.

Inaugural Committee, Celebrity AttendantsNews leaked today indicates that the committee not only took these requests very seriously, but went far beyond the normal invitation process to at least include one big name. The additional of Andrew Brietbart to the list of attendees was originally met with the usual response about the incompetence of the Trump administration, until the macabre details of their plan was uncovered.

The committee had apparently petitioned Hillside Memorial Park to have the body of the late Mr. Brietbart exhumed from his final resting place in order to have it displayed prominently at the inauguration. The exact location for the “display” wasn’t revealed, but it is believed they wanted it to be in a location where Mr. Trump could point during his speech.

Religious leaders who were contacted about this unusual move were horrified when they realized the lack of morality that their preferred candidate was showing. Several were upset to the point that they were expressing regret for advocating for the son of Satan and said they would most likely skip the inauguration themselves, regardless of the loss of an extra paycheck.

Former Brietbart editor Steven Bannon expressed his surprise that anyone would be offended by this rather simple act. In his official statement, Mr. Bannon stated, “Look, this guy has got to lay around somewhere, it’s not like he would have endorsed this asswipe for president, it’s just us giving him a little more daylight than he was due.”

Jan 172017
 
 By , January 17, 2017
Brietbart Updates Company Health Care for Men

Brietbart rolls out circumcision reversal plan: “Making Employees Complete Dicks Again.” Brietbart News, better known for their alt-right white supremacist views than their concerns for peoples rights, announced a new addition to the limited health options available for their employees. Going against a long history [more…]

Jun 302015
 
 By , June 30, 2015

Evidence suggests who we vote for isn’t always who we should Each election cycle we are beaten over the head with the agenda that candidates feel are important to our lives. Many times there is a large overlap of promises, especially during party primaries. Once [more…]

Jun 252015
 
 By , June 25, 2015

Clinging to one of the confederate battle flags, racists across the country are angry. The recent events in Charleston, S.C., have been pushed beyond discussion of the tragic and unnecessary loss of life caused by racist beliefs into something that might finally bring the symbols [more…]

Jun 162015
 
 By , June 16, 2015
So, We're There Huh? ... When Politicians Run Amock

American politicians’ campaigns continue to devolve into a race for the most extreme positions So, the 2016 election season has begun, regardless of the relentless begging of the masses to delay it. As the political committees begin staking out their extreme positions, they are reaching [more…]

Jun 102015
 
 By , June 10, 2015
Senator Graham Drops Balls for Women's Vote

Seeking to attract a mostly-overlooked constituency by the GOP, women, Sen. Graham goes for the gold. South Carolina senator, Republican presidential hopeful and future gay rights activist Lindsey Graham broke from his conservative party today with the unusual move of replacing the “truck balls” on [more…]

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