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Walter Bowne

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Walter Bowne is a writer of humor, creative nonfiction, essays, and literary fiction. He enjoys taking commas out and placing them back in again.

Jun 302015
 
 By , June 30, 2015

NYU is recruiting, and middle schools may hold students with great potential

Office of Admissions
New York University
New York, NY 10003
Dear John,

Listen. You’ve impressed us. And we wanted to let you know. Oftentimes, middle school students do not get the accolades they deserve, especially as the middle child with a goddamn over-achieving super Adonis older brother who swaggered into Princeton as well as an ever-so-sweet but soulless younger sister who never has to do an ounce of the chores around the house owing to her “schedule.”

We know. It sucks. It sucks really bad. But you’re not alone.

nyu pitch to middle school studentNYU is with you. Your dad may have missed your performances and your mom may not have been able to change her tennis instruction with that long-haired Swedish gentleman, but we want you to know this: someone is there with open arms.

Listen, John. Can we talk? Like you, we once had to tread on those carpeted hallways of awkwardness and hormones. And we made it through middle school. We made it all the way to study in The Big Apple. That’s right! And you can be next!

We’ve been busy achieving great things, studying with professors who were once just like you. We’ve been hanging around beautiful women from all around the world with names like Natasha and Margosha and Fiona and many others that end with an A. We know we’re a little different, slightly odd, very cute in a nerdy, unaggressive fashion, and definitely more enlightened than those swag-dick cretins around us. We know you have the emotional IQ of an Einstein, just not an Einstein.

Are we right? We think we are. That’s why we’ve been following you. And like we said before, we’re impressed. We’ve been following your Twitter feeds. Count us as one of your fans. Count us as one of your followers. We’re on Team John.

Can we be frank? Your nuanced representation of the Octopus in Little Mermaid, Jr. was just the right amount of squidiness. That game saving foul in the last minute of your soccer game: that showed us you know how to take one for the team. And let’s us not neglect your 3rd place finish in the 6th grade Math Olympiad contest. Give the lad an amen, brother!

John, let’s face it. You’re going places. With those solid ASK scores and those O’s for Outstanding in all subjects, except science, where you earned Satisfactory but with the noted comment that you displayed consistent effort.

That’s the type of kid we want at New York University!

We know college is seven years away, but we wanted to reach out and open a door for you. You can take our quiz “How Can I Be Certain that NYU is Indeed the Dream School of Mine?” According to our carefully crafted questions, we know your answers to lead you to our doorstep.

We’re also offering a weekend to spend with us, on the house, so to speak. We want to show you everything that NYU has to offer. Sure, you’re only twelve, and that’s why we’ll have plenty of grown-up RAs around to help you get a feel of campus life. For a whole weekend, you’ll get the inside track of what it will be like living (and studying) in New York without the vacant monitoring of the rents not tracking your every non move around that dumpy, provincial suburb of yours off the Turnpike.

Are you as excited as we are? Don’t you want to join the excitement?

We’re also offering our very early decision deal. Just listen. You apply as a freshman in high school, and as long as you do exactly what we want you to do, then we welcome you as a freshman in college. Nothing to it! No stress, no worry!

Please find the recommendations for high school coursework, private tutoring agencies, and other NYU vetted community outreach programs. We also highly recommend our Summer-in-the-City camps because isn’t getting a “leg-up” on college better than swatting mosquitoes and contracting Lyme disease?

You can even start payments now, as a form of down payment in easy monthly installments. We promise not to raise tuition by more than 7% per year, and we’ll guarantee that in pencil.

Please fill out our interest form, and mail that right back to us and an admissions counselor will stop by your come to personally escort you to NYU in the comfort of a Greyhound bus. Or, if available, a MEGABUS.

Can’t wait? Then go online at NYUISFORME.edu and get started.

The sooner you know, the better you’ll feel.

Good luck on the pre-algebra test!

Kind regards,

Office of Admission

Jan 132015
 
 By , January 13, 2015
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Nov 252014
 
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If American Authors Took to Twitter

What would American authors tweet? We’re sure you’ve often wondered, what would American authors tweet, if they were inclined to confine themselves to 140 characters? Well, wonder no more: @HawthorneDarknessOnTheEdgeOfSalem I have stared into the darkness of the deepest night and found not God or [more…]

Oct 182014
 
 By , October 18, 2014
A Writer's Day

How one writer avoids writer’s block: Avoid writing! Wake up, brew strong, black tea. Read newspaper. Sort through bills. Take out trash. Say goodbye to wife, kids. Brew second cup of tea and go upstairs to write. Read through old, unpublished works. Curse stupid editors [more…]

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