My letter from the president

I got a letter from the president -- you know, still-president George W. The letter thanked me for my "kind words." Didn't know what the heck he was talking about, of course. I figured it must've been some auto-response to some letter that got sent via some email thingy I signed. But it was snail-mailed to me. And it was in a big 9x11 envelope, with cardboard inside, and had an embossed presidential seal on it and everything! I figured it must be important.

So, it went on to say, "For nearly 8 years, it has been an honor and a joyous experience to be the President of the greatest county on earth." And I thought, yeah, for YOU maybe. Then, "I will sprint to the finish line in the months ahead with confidence in our purpose and trust in the power of the American spirit." I'm not making this up... The next line read, "As a Nation, we will continue to defend freedom's cause..." Oh really, and how are you going to do that, George? Because all you've done so far is trash our economy and world standing -- all for a lie. But go ahead, you were saying? "...build a more prosperous future..." OMG! I'm DYING here! "and make our society more peaceful..." SERIOUSLY? "and hopeful for every individual." Yeah, uh huh, riiiiiiite.

*Sigh*

Ok, King W's rein is almost over, I must keep reminding myself. But then, I think... another two and a half months? Anything could happen. He could yet trash the rest of this tattered, embattled, saddened, bankrupt and frightened America. That's just too much time! G.W., please, we beg of you -- don't do anything else! Just... STAND there. Ok? Really. I mean it. Right there. Don't move.

Obama is on his way. And he can't take the reins too soon.

Letter to Republican friends and family

Don’t worry, the country will not collapse, nor become anti-Christian, nor turn socialist if Barack Obama gets elected.

Really now – take a deep breath. That’s right, still your fears for just a minute. Think. Don’t you see the pattern here? This has been the GOP campaign strategy since Karl Rove took it over. My God, they did it to John McCain himself, in 2000.

Don’t you remember? How, in South Carolina, when it became apparent that McCain’s momentum was growing and that he might take the Republican nomination, they started the whisper and email campaigns about him? They said his adopted Bangladeshi daughter was actually a black “love child” of his and that McCain was both gay and cheated on his wife. No, seriously, it’s true. You don’t remember? They spread lies, vicious rumor after vicious rumor, just like they always do. Bush supporters even circulated church fliers that labeled McCain “the fag candidate.” Look it up. Unlike the emails going around about Obama, these are facts, this really happened.


Now John McCain has allowed those same elements in the party to take over his campaign, eight years later. What kind of character does that show, anyway? To knowingly use scummy tactics, after they were used on you and your family, because you’re so desperate to win office.

Any way, the point is, they do this election after election. They did it to John Kerry, they did it even in congressional races, such as the despicable attacks on the character of Max Cleland, a man who sacrificed three limbs – three limbs! – in service to our country. But that didn’t stop these slime-dwellers from questioning his patriotism in the 2002 race, trying to link him with Saddam Hussein, of all things.

Invariably, once these baseless charges, rumors, lies and deceptions are investigated, they are found to be untrue. Quotes are taken completely out of context, records are distorted by playing numbers games, lies are created to “explain” events and associations, racial tensions are fanned, and the smears are repeated ad nauseam. And it’s all aimed at making you afraid.

Yes, it happens every four years, and yet you keep falling for it. Wake up! See the pattern, don’t let yourself get played so easily! They are trying to scare you, and like third graders at a summer camp, you’re letting the scout master scare the bejeezes out of you by the campfire with his monster stories!

And the farther they fall behind in the polls, the more vicious they get – and the more shrill you sound when you try to explain why you just hate the other candidate. It can’t just be that you disagree with his point of view or his policies or his record, even, no – he’s evil!

Wow. Listen to yourself! Don’t you feel silly? Evil? Come on.

Do you really think he could fool this many people if Obama were as wicked as Ms. Palin seems to be saying he is? Could he really fool all those admirals and generals if he was secretly a terrorist? Ya think? Really?


C’mon, let’s stop the pretense. Yeah, I know it must be hard. You were riding high for years, the Republican banner held proudly aloft, as the stock market soared and we went off to spread democracy and freedom. How deflating it must be to realize how badly you had been fooled. The war was based on lies, and the prosperity turned out to be an illusion. Worse, an illusion that got some greedy people stinking rich, while leaving you with deteriorating portfolios, home values and egos.

Life can be a bitch. You know what? I don’t feel sorry for you. You laughed at us when we tried to show you these people were not acting in your best interests. We tried to get your attention, to warn you the country was being sold a bill of goods, and the bill would come due. And it has. Now we’re left with a stinking rubble pile of an economy, and shriveled net worths.

Somebody made off like bandits, but it wasn’t you. So why do you continue to stick up for these clowns? They’re either clowns, or they’re in with the thieves, you decide. The only people they were working for all this time were the rich slobs who ended up profiting from the war and the economic upheaval. So why continue to listen to them? They did you wrong. They continue to do you wrong. And they are lying to you – again – this time about Barack Obama.


Hey, you bet on the wrong horse. The horse has now gone limp. You’re not going to bet on it again, are you? Whaddaya say we try another team – nobody can possibly screw it up any worse than the last team. Maybe we can try using nimble smarts rather than arrogant brawn, just for a while. Who knows, the new guys might even be able to improve things. For you, and for me – rather than for the fat cats this time. Wouldn’t that be nice, for a change?

Palin for Queen

Palin just finished with the debate tonight, and let me just say, I'm a convert, she really sold me tonight. I think she's ready to be queen.

And queens don't need no stinkin' debate rules. You want to ask her this, she'll answer with that -- what America really needs to know -- about her, about McCain, and about the Republican commitment to families all across this great land, and we just need to reform the economy and get it back on track, and she'll do that, because she reformed Alaska, and Alaska has lots of resources there, you know, and it supplies energy for America, and it's close to Russia, so she knows about foreign policy there too.

She's a maverick's maverick, and when she's queen, she won't be just part of the executive, because there's flexibility there, and her administration would work with Congress and she'll make the most of that flexibility, you know, that was written in the constitution there. And gosh darn it, like the current maverick vice-president Cheney, she would be part of the legislative branch as well, and being the ever-confident reformer, she would likely find a way to be part of the judicial branch too, because America needs that kind of leadership. Heck, maybe she could sit in on the Supreme Court on important issues like abortion and freedom of the press, and what goes into our libraries.

The far left says she didn't even pay attention to the questions. But Palin didn't need to -- she answers to America. Because that's what the Straight Talk Express is all about. What with everything she said about this and about that, and freedom, tolerance, family and freedom and all those things, and that folksy charm, I just can't tell you. Yes, I think America saw our future matriarch tonight, and with the brood we saw on stage afterwards, her progeny could rule us for a long, long time. Long live the Queen!

She absorbed a lot of foreign policy experience from Kissinger, too, like passion. Oh, that Passion! That's what she brings, with a smile, and confidence, and ya know, along with John McCain, she'll bring pride back to America and a commitment to reform government, and get the government out of the way of the middle class, and help them purchase their own health care, not the feds health care, because we've seen what a mess the government makes of things -- mostly the fault of Democrats, dontcha know.

As far as an energy policy, that's her area of expertise. Her state provides 50% of the energy for the USA. We have to do all we can do to make this great land energy independent. Some in Congress don't want to tap into our own energy supplies, to feed these hungry markets. They should just get outa the way. And it's about a heckuva lot more, it's about America and our energy future.

And as the governor of Alaska, she feels global warming more than any state, because snow is melting there. Sure, other states are being hit by hurricanes, floods, droughts and killer tornadoes, but Alaska is close to the Arctic, and Russia too -- did I say that?

You want to talk economy? OK, she knows about that too. As governor, she is an executive and they are all about action, ya know. You see, the rescue plan has to reform Wall Street, and John McCain knows how to reform too, and they will stand up to the greed there. There have been more and more revelations made aware to Main Street, so we need to put politics aside -- even the campaign -- and we have to be more vigilant, so that the credit doesn't freeze up, for the middle class and Main Street, which she's from, cuz her and her mavericky secessionist husband have always been Main Streety and middle class and stuff.

And let's get back to the energy plan. Palin took on the oil companies, because of the greed of their CEOs, and they are not her biggest fans. She broke up those monopolies there, and that's her area of expertise -- energy. But don't worry, oil companies, she loves ya with that tough Alaskan-style love. And she has the energy, and will as Queen, to deal with the energy crisis and things there like that.

So, don't talk to me about specifics. Sure, Joe Biden knew about some things. I mean, you'd have to, hanging around the Senate all those years sucking up the taxpayer's money (after all those years collecting a government salary, maybe he's responsible for the huge debt). But this hockey mom brings energy and inspiration. Just look at how she smiles at the camera. Check out that cute wink and Alaskan accent. And the voice! Oh my, did you hear that voice?

Enough of this slow torture of the last two years of Democrat control! Republicans can veto and filibuster only so much. Stuff needs to get done. Palin is for a strong America, and is against the taxes Democrats would love to weaken the economy with. She is determined to change the tone in Washington, and wants to clean up Wall Street. Her and McCain know how to do it, and they will -- just trust them. It's time for reform, and what says reform more than a Queen Palin coronation? Just don't expect her to follow the rules.

If you were The Boss, which team would you hire?

I received this in an email recently, I thought it was pretty pertinent. What do you think?

If You were The Boss... Which team would you hire?

With America facing historic debt, multiple war fronts, stumbling health care, a weakened dollar, all-time high prison population, skyrocketing Federal spending, mortgage crisis, bank foreclosures, etc. etc., this is an unusually critical election year.

Let's look at the educational background of the candidates and see what they bring to the job:

Barack Obama:
Punahou School - Grades 5 to 12, Hawaii's most prestigious private school
Occidental College - Two years of undergraduate study.
Columbia University - B.A. political science majoring in international relations.
Harvard University - Juris Doctor (J.D.) (Attorney), (Magna Cum Laude), first African-American editor of the most prestigious law school publication, "Harvard Law Review."

Joseph Biden:
University of Delaware - B.A. in history and B.A. in political science.
Syracuse University College of Law - Juris Doctor (J.D.) (Attorney)
U.S. Senate, first elected at age 29, continuous service since

VS.

John McCain:
United States Naval Academy - Class rank 894 out of 899 (meaning that, like George Bush, McCain was at the bottom of his class)

Sarah Palin:
Hawaii Pacific University - 1 semester
North Idaho College - 2 semesters - general study
University of Idaho - 2 semesters - journalism
Matanuska-Susitna College - 1 semester
University of Idaho - 3 semesters - B.A. in journalism

Now, which team are you going to hire? THINK FUTURE!

As a side note, Matt Damon's opinion is pretty entertaining (short video).