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Subprime Lender Reduced to Lending to Homeless for Cardboard Box Homes
A major subprime lender, Loans4You, which was not quite major enough to get a bailout from the government like Baer Sterns did, has "found new life" making loans to homeless people for cardboard boxes to sleep in.
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Bush busts a move.

Previous articles:

Prez Shocks World: Does Something Good
After seven long years of total incompetence, President George W. Bush has turned the tables and has been recognized for doing something that was not only not inept, not only was not terrible, but was - contrary to all expectations - actually good. He helped South Africa with the AIDS epidemic in a big way, and that country loves him for it.
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Exclusive Interview: Unflinching Triumph
The new exposé movie Unflinching Triumph: The Philip Rockhammer Story is a film that explores the lives of people involved in the newly professional sport of “Staredown.” The Humor Times sat down for an exclusive interview with two of Pro Staredown’s star players, athletes who were both featured in the movie. While many question whether it should even be called a "sport," adherents to the game – which evolved from the simple playground pastime played by kids the world over, seemingly since time immemorial – say that if poker can be called a "sport," Staredown should be all the more so.
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FDA: Protecting consumers from tainted truth

"Crabbage"

WASH., D.C. - The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) today announced a new campaign to educate the public on the advantages of not being educated about Genetically Modified (GM) foods.
"The public continues to be misled by GM opponents, who irresponsibly post facts about the process on the internet," said acting FDA commissioner Andrew von Eschenbach, M.D. "As you know, our job is to protect the public - usually from bad ingredients in food and drugs, etc. But today we roll out an exciting initiative to also protect their minds, and thereby protect important corporate entities that are helping to feed the world," he added.
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Kings Float New Arena Plan

Proposed design for the new "Royal Floating Arena."

Opponents counter scheme is 'all wet'
SACRAMENTO, CA – In a surprising development in the controversy regarding a new sports arena in Sacramento, a novel solution was unveiled today by the Sacramento Kings' owners, the Maloof brothers. Flanked by various interested parties, including Mayor Heather Fargo, developers and a few shipbuilders, the Maloofs presented a proposal that stunned reporters at the scene.
The plan, apparently hatched by the group after weeks of secret meetings, involves building a huge arena/barge that could float down the Sacramento River. The unprecedented project would be an enormous, but feasible undertaking, insists Kings Spokesman Sam Sturgeon.
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Sacramento Airport Readying Expansion

An artist's very realistic sketch, even down to the long lines expected.

Hopes are to build world-class terminals holding lines "as long as any"
SACRAMENTO, Ca - Soon, bulldozers will be working feverishly at the Sacramento International Airport, pushing dirt around and giving the place a renewed air of importance. In an aggressive move, county airport officials say they will "raise the Sacramento airport's reputation to the level of the biggest, most crowded and traffic-jammed airports in the whole world."
The project's $1.3 billion price tag will help Sacramento's debt level to compare favorably with the biggest metropolitan areas as well, say observers.
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Cheney Pronounces Self King

Cheney at coronation: "I just want to restore order."

WASH., D.C. - Former Vice-President Dick Cheney, fed up with restraints on his office, declared himself King today in a prepared statement.
"Everyone knows it has been me, Dick Cheney, who has been running things around here since I was elected in 2000 with my sidekick, George W. Bush," announced His Majesty. "With the recent hostile take over of the Congress by the Democrats, caused by an accidental under-vote of Republican bytes in voting machines last election, it has become more difficult for me to do my job. They are demanding all sorts of ridiculous things, like compliance with systems for protecting classified information and following a bunch of other laws. In the interest of national security, responsible government and sheer convenience, I've decided it is time to do away with the pretense, unveil the shadow government, and bring it out into the light where it belongs. I've been king for six years, let's just get on with it."
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"Man, this guy's good."

Gonzales Insists Responsibility for Responsibility Not His
WASH., D.C. - Attorney General Roberto Gonzales, facing increasing scrutiny for his role in the firings of US Attorneys under his watch, ostensibly for political reasons, says he is responsible, but "not responsible."
"You must understand," said Gonzales to reporters yesterday, "I accept responsibility, but how can I be responsible for others' irresponsibility?" The Attorney General is renowned for his irrefutable logic in showing how things are really different than any one ever thought - such as his one-word debunking of the Geneva Conventions as "quaint," which were previously considered sacrosanct.
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Bush to Launch War on Global Warming

Beneficiary of Bush's plan.

WASH., D.C. - The Bush administration announced plans for a new offensive today, a "War on Global Warming." After denying the existence of global warming for years, administration officials have finally capitulated to overwhelming scientific evidence in recent months. Now that they have acknowledged it, they appear to be ready to take forceful, direct action.
"With our great successes in the past, including the War on Drugs, the War on Crime, the War on Teen Pregnancy, the War on Poverty, and the War on the Environment, not to mention our inevitable soon-to-be victory in Iraq, we've decided the time has come to show this 'Global Warming' that we mean business," said President Bush in a Rose Garden press conference yesterday.
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