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Faux News - 2009“We Report, You Decry!” All content ©2009 by the Humor Times. You may also read our fake news stories in blog format here, where you can leave comments, subscribe to the blog, etc. Subscribe to Humor Times' Faux News by email!
Says he'll also 'work for face time' on cable Lou Dobbs announced he was leaving his longtime show in a broadcast that shocked all five of his viewers in November. "I'm proud of my long service here," said the longest-running anchor on CNN, "and of my tireless devotion to getting the story right - far right." Read more...
FORT COLLINS, CO - Police in Fort Collins, Colorado today have announced that the Balloon Boy Hoax involving the Heene family, their son Falcon and a homemade balloon, was not a publicity stunt but a cover up for the boy's attempt to release his parents in the balloon. Read more... Obama Signs Bipartisan Health & Economy Omnibus Bill
WASHINGTON DC - President Obama signed historic legislation today that he said will "help us pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps." This was one big spending bill that even Republicans could get behind, because the spending will not be done by the government. "Once we had decided to force Americans to pay for bloated health insurance premiums, we said, why stop there?" Read more...
Culmination of Birther-type groups said to incorporate all of them The latest right-wing activist group to emerge thinks they have what it takes to be the last. As one of the founders of the new "Righters," John Snickers of Brownsville, Texas says, "We encompass all the beliefs the other various groups of heroes espouse, like Birthers, who question Obama's nationality, Deathers, who question his health plan, and the Tenthers, who say the 10th Amendment means the federal government can't tell them what to do. We do all that and we are totally right on all the issues. So obviously, anyone who opposes us is wrong." Read more... A Few Bad Nuts Spoil the ACORN Must be torn out by the roots to save democracy According to news reports that have been judged fair and balanced, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, or ACORN, has apparently gone nuts. The 39 year old organization, which has dedicated itself to "building community organizations that are committed to social and economic justice," is now apparently all about helping ho's get cribs they can turn into whorehouses for underage sex slaves from El Salvador. Read more...
Ex-governor given slot opposite Leno, before Letterman on CBS Former Alaskan Governor and Vice-Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin stunned pundits and fans alike in July when she announced her resignation, but has topped that with a real zinger today. Speculation flew for weeks as to hidden motives for the seemingly bizarre move to resign, yet no one could guess at what has now been revealed. Read more...
Say appealing to masses is undignified Faced with declining popularity in the polls and accused of turning their backs on moderate elements within their party, top Republicans say their motivations are pure and beyond reproach. "We're not trying to win a popularity contest here, we're standing up for principal," said Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-MN. Read more...
Insist plan must be killed to save patient Lobbyists for private health care insurance companies say that the public option in the Obama plan is no longer needed - they have miraculously found ways to save trillions that would normally have been added to pad their profits in coming years. Read more...
Invaders target nation's lawns, requiring "Shock and Awe" strategy, say experts When pundits debate national security in the media these days, they're usually referring to threats posed by Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea. No doubt very important stuff, but every spring we face a growing insurgency right here at home: the massive invasion of unsightly weeds on the nation's lawns. Read more...
Says Dalai Lama's tweets are 'amateur' and that He's currently making popcorn and watching March Madness HEAVEN - The Christian God began "Twittering" yesterday, a way of blogging very short posts, using an internet connection or a mobile phone. And in His very first Tweet, the Lord sayeth, "If the Dalai Lama can do it, I can do it," adding, "Being the Almighty, I can go over 140 characters anytime I damn well please, I hope you know, pe..." before his post was cut off. Read more...
New slogan 'Failure IS An Option' a better fit, they say WASHINGTON, DC - The GOP was forced to retract its "Country First" motto today, first rolled out during Senator John McCain's presidential campaign last year. Noting that it "contradicts" their current strategy, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) said, "In our effort to come up with a unified plan going forward, we decided to replace the now-irrelevant motto with our new one, 'Failure IS An Option.'" Read more...
High school award 'proudest moment until Beijing' The recent revelation that Michael Phelps, winner of an Olympic record eight gold medals in last year's games, was photographed smoking a bong in November has led to an investigation that revealed even more: Michael Phelps won the Gold Medal of his senior class' unofficial Olympic Bonging competition in high school. Read more...
Scout masters helping boys to ‘Be Prepared’ to become lumberjacks The Boy Scouts, long associated with their pledge to "treat the outdoors as a heritage" and to "be conservation minded," are now being trained as loggers, according to the Boy Scouts of America national spokesman Deron Smith. "In this economy, we've got to do all we can to prepare our boys to enter the job market," said Smith. Read more...
Pilot project termed 'very successful' The Comcast cable empire has launched a new program the company hopes will enhance their swollen profit margin: Optional porn with any sporting event. A pilot project held in Phoenix, Arizona during the Super Bowl "proved very successful" said Comcast Vice-President of Operations Dan Dickendorf. Read more...
NASCAR-like sponsorships intended to help balance budget WASHINGTON, DC - Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced today that the 111th Congress would be "proudly displaying" corporate logos on their suits, and many will even begin wearing special NASCAR-like uniforms to accommodate multiple logos. Read more...
‘I’m so proud of my accomplishness,’ he says WASHINGTON, DC - Winding up a month-long whirlwind tour of press interviews designed to burnish his legacy, now-former President George W. Bush seemed visibly emotional recalling his years in the White House in a session with Bill Moyers, to air soon on PBS. "I want to thank the American people," he says during the show, "for supporting me so unanimously, right up to the end." Read more...
Understanding the Israel-Palestine Conflict TEL AVIV - As you probably know, I, Joe the Plumber, decided to go to Israel to find out the Truth that the media will not say. This is big news, and I'm happy to report that the networks continue to report on my reporting, and that's great, because they're reporting some real news for once. It feels good to be in the news again, because I'm comfortable there, and that's why I decided to get into this here so-called "news" so-called "business." Read more... Obama Invites GOP to White House for “Healing” Invitation says ‘Come on over after the Inauguration, let’s patch things up’ President-Elect Barack Obama continued with his “unification” theme this week by sending invitations to all congressmen, Republicans and Democrats, for a “Bipartisan Healing,” scheduled for the day after his inauguration. Read more...
Says he knows his friends would never do anything bad Still-president George W. Bush announced today that he is issuing a blanket pardon for everyone he’s ever been associated with, or knew in high school. “I consider myself a great judge of characterness,” he said, “and therefore I wish to save our overburdened justice system from any unnecessary work load.” Read more...
They thought it couldn’t get any worse than the “Black Friday” trampling deaths of three people in a Wal-Mart at Green Acres Mall in Valley Stream, NY, on November 28th. However, on New Year’s Day, at the Lampasas, TX Wal-Mart, all hell broke loose. Read more...
Alaska Governor looks ahead TULSA, OK - After a breakout year that saw Alaska Governor Sarah Palin rise to star status in the Republican party, she is looking forward to a “new day for true believers in freedom across this great land of America.” While many in Alaska just wish she’d come home and tend to her duties as governor, Palin continued to stoke national fame in what some believe is a bid for the Senate in 2010. Read more...
Reassures “nattering nabobs of negativity” CHICAGO, IL - With the U.S. economy seemingly disintegrating right before our eyes, President-elect Barack Obama is anxious to get his new team to work on the problem. Obama has selected the “best and the brightest,” many of whom have served under Clinton in the past and have been “intimately involved” in riding the economy “to hell in a handbasket” as one aide put it, who wished to remain anonymous. Read more... Read more Humor Times original "Faux News" stories here.
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