Humor Times' Faux News

NBC to Put Leno and O’Brien on Rotating Schedule

2010-02-11T12:22:00.000-08:00

‘We’re the most innovative network in television’ says executive

A Humor Times Special Report

A new twist in the late-night television drama at NBC was announced today, as the network promised a major shakeup with “the whole concept of television scheduling.” Moving Jay Leno to 10 PM “worked so well this year,” say network executives, that they want to continue coming up with bold new ideas. “America is tired of the same ol’ time slots, and they want change. We’re the only network delivering it,” said NBC president Jeff Szucker.

Beginning after the winter Olympics, NBC will put The Tonight Show, now hosted by former late night host Conan O’Brien, on at 10 PM instead of Leno, and put Leno back in his old slot at 11:30 PM. The following week, they plan on moving Leno over to midday, along with the daily soaps, in an effort to expand the show’s fan base.

“After that, we may try Jay in a morning show slot – he’d be a great wake-up show host, with all his energy!” said Michael Bass, Senior Vice President of Strategic Initiatives for the network. “And after that, who knows? We’ve got some great ideas. Maybe we’ll try Conan as a host for one of those paid infomercial slots – he could sell anything!”

While Jay Leno is on during the day, the network said, they’ll probably alternate Jimmy Fallon’s late night show with O’Brien’s, “just to keep things fresh.” “I’m sure the hosts will love it. Great fodder for material. And we don’t mind the occasional joke at our expense, either – it’s all in good fun,” explained Mr. Bass.
The possibilities are endless, say network executives. “With the major networks like ours in decline and competing against all the specialty cable shows, we plan on attempting all kinds of crazy things,” ventured Szucker.

“We could have a show within a show, we could play them backwards, we might even run Leno and O’Brien simultaneously, with a split screen and overlapping synchronized audio, where the hosts trade phrases and sentences on the fly. We’re so innovative, it’s scary!” he said.

McGwire Admits He Would’ve Hit More Homers Without Steroids

2010-01-20T12:17:00.000-08:00

Says he took them for health and just to be ‘one of the guys’

A Humor Times exclusive

In a public admission recently, Mark McGwire finally came clean on his steroid use, which included the 1998 season, when he hit a record at the time of 70 home runs. But today, he stunned sports reporters and fans alike by candidly admitting it had actually lowered his home run production.

“I always knew this day would come, but I didn’t know when. Eventually, I knew I’d have to get this huge burden off my back,” said a sometimes tearful McGwire. “It’s time I was truthful with America and with myself: I took steroids and I’m sorry. I disappointed so many fans who expected more out of me.”

In an interview, McGwire said the steroids did not help him hit more home runs. On the contrary, he said, it “obviously slowed me down.” “The bulging muscles were fun for showing off to the ladies, but they just got in the way when I was trying to hit” he offered, adding, “I’m sure I would’ve gone way past what Barry Bonds did if I’d just stayed clean.”

McGwire maintained that he only took steroids for health issues and to be “one of the guys” – “Everyone was doing it, at least everyone I hung out with, and I just wanted to fit in. How could I know?” he asked, quietly beginning to sob.

“Man, I miss those times, though,” he mused. “The season that I set the home run record – it went by in a haze. All the press attention, the adoring crowds, the ’roid rage – I felt like a king! But it didn’t help me hit home runs, nope... not at all.”

“I was such a great hitter, I think that baseball should overlook the steroid use in my case, since it only slowed me down. I should be in the hall of fame,” McGwire insisted. “And I’ll make it easy on major league baseball by not even mentioning my use of speed, cocaine and the occasional PCP and ecstasy binges.”

Wall Street Firms, Banks Agree: Times Never Better

2010-01-08T18:15:00.000-08:00

Calls for another ‘profitable crisis for America’ mount

A Humor Times exclusive

Wall Street and the major banks have joined together to call for another economic crisis, since the recent one “worked so well,” according to sources.

“Our economy has had a miraculous recovery,” said Lloyd Blankchek, CEO of Goldman Sachs in a press conference today, “and our company, along with other heroes of Wall Street, say let’s not mess with success – in these times, any formula that works should be duplicated, if possible.”

Indeed, the crisis and the bailout that followed it resulted in a bonanza year for Goldman Sachs, which in 2009 set aside a record $16.7 billion to pay its workers, or about $700,000 per employee. “And that’s just chump change,” said Blankchek, “with our talent, we can do even better – with the right stimulus.”

Not all companies agreed totally with Blankchek’s strategy, however. Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis said that a “regular, recurring” crisis with accompanying bailouts was the “more secure strategy going forward.”

“What we need is a way to assuage the uncertainty of critical players in the financial marketplace, so as to allow them to do their jobs with more confidence,” said Lewis, “so I propose a regularly scheduled crisis/bailout scenario. It just makes sense for America.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner agreed that some sort of ongoing plan was needed, saying, “Wall Street is America, and we need to provide for its long term survival – after all, how can we ask these heroes to get by without obscenely huge bonuses to motivate them? Besides, I won’t be in this crummy job forever, and when I go through that revolving door – just like any American – I want some job security.”

Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN to Build Wall on Mexican Border

2009-11-12T18:10:00.000-08:00

Says he’s tired of waiting for those ‘damn liberals’ to act

Lou Dobbs announced he was leaving his longtime show in a broadcast that shocked all five of his viewers in November. “I’m proud of my long service here,” said the longest-running anchor on CNN, “and of my tireless devotion to getting the story right -- far right.”

Dobbs said he planned to organize the ragtag group of border watchers calling themselves the Minutemen and begin construction on “a thousand mile wall even Israel would envy.” The maverick TV host is not worried about permits, saying “I’m on the side of Right, and those wetbacks will soon be stuck on the side of Wrong.”

CNN President Jon Klein hailed Dobbs’ “characteristic forthrightness,” and said that “since Lou has decided on his own to carry his banner of advocacy journalism elsewhere, I won’t be needing this,” as he tore up a pink piece of paper. “He was a good man who helped make cable news safe for intolerant dogmatists, and now that he’s gone, I’m going to let our advertisers know it’s safe to come back.”

Unconfirmed reports say that Fox News chairman Roger Ailes has contacted Mr. Dobbs, telling him there is a time slot that “will soon be available,” being vacated by a “certain crybaby.”

Obama Signs Bipartisan Health & Economy Omnibus Bill

2009-11-10T18:27:00.000-08:00

Super bill aims to solve all problems by requiring Americans to spend like never before

A Humor Times exclusive

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama signed historic legislation today that he said will “help us pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.” This was one big spending bill that even Republicans could get behind, because the spending will not be done by the government.

“Once we had decided to force Americans to pay for bloated health insurance premiums, we said, why stop there?” explained Senate Republican Mitch McConnell. “So we’re stimulating the economy without hurting the vulnerable among us, including bankers. It’s a win-win.”

Indeed, the bill forces all Americans to buy not only health insurance, but one each of the following American-built items, whether or not they already own them: a new car, a hi-definition TV, 42" or larger, and a HD package to go with it, a new cell phone and wireless plan, a home (condominiums ok), a major appliance (stove, refrigerator, etc), at least one piece of furniture and a plane flight or flights adding up to a minimum of 1,000 miles – all within two years. All citizens will also be required to spend at least $1,000 on holiday gifts this season, whether or not they celebrate Christmas.

“We will also encourage folks to open new credit card accounts, to help pay for it all,” said Senator Max Baucus (D-MT), “and the bill mandates that credit card companies allow anyone to open one. We realized, of course, that we couldn’t rightfully set any limit on interest rates them – after all, banks have already been through so much trauma, what with the credit crash and the stress of waiting to see whether we’d bail them out or not.”

While consumer groups have cried foul, saying it’s not fair to force people to buy poorly made American goods and go into deeper debt, Baucus says it’s all been dealt with in the bill.

“As the great President John F. Kennedy once said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,’” he explained, “so these folks need to stop whining and step up to the plate. Besides, we’ve thought of the problem of some lazy unemployeds not paying their bills – we’ll be building debtor’s prisons, which will also stimulate our prison industrial complex, one of America’s greatest assets!”

‘Righters’: New Group Claims to Be Righter Than the Left

2009-10-04T12:36:00.000-07:00

Culmination of ‘Birther’ type groups said to incorporate all of them

A Humor Times exclusive

The latest right-wing activist group to emerge thinks they have what it takes to be the last. As one of the founders of the new “Righters,” John Snickers of Brownsville, Texas says, “We encompass all of the points these various groups of heroes espouse: the Birthers, who question Obama’s nationality, the Deathers, who question his health plan, the Tenthers, who say the 10th Amendment means the federal government can’t tell them what to do. We do all that and we are totally right on all the issues. So obviously, anyone who opposes us is wrong.”

The Righters are leaving nothing to chance, and are taking the correct position on every important national issue. To assure that this goal is attained and maintained, Righters say they limit their sources of information. Once they take a position, they don’t want to risk getting any information that might imperil that position, or else they might have to change it, which would mean they weren’t right at one time. “That's impossible,” said Mr. Snickers, “since we're always right. We're the Righters.”

“For example, you've got the Deathers outing Obama on his plan to kill their grandmas to save on health care costs. Well, we go one better – we're fighting for the right to keep our economy-stimulating high health care insurance rates, so that freedom-loving corporations like WellPoint can continue to make huge profits while saving our grandmas. If we can do this without treating a single illegal alien, we’ve attacked all these problems at once, and it all comes full circle for America's economy. It's so simple.”

“We expect quick and explosive growth within our organization, and we are preparing for it. Obviously, people want to be right, and not wrong. ‘If you can't fight 'em, you gotta join 'em,’ as they say."

The group is working on promotion strategies, including bumper stickers that read “Righters Do It Righter,” “If I'm Right, What Does That Make You?” and “Right Makes Might.”

A Few Bad Nuts Spoil the ACORN

2009-09-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

According to news reports that have been judged fair and balanced, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, or ACORN, has apparently gone nuts. The 39 year old organization, which has dedicated itself to “building community organizations that are committed to social and economic justice,” is now apparently all about helping ho’s get cribs they can turn into whorehouses for underage sex slaves from El Salvador.

The embattled organization claims many victories since 1970 on “thousands of issues of concern to our members, through direct action, negotiation, legislative advocacy and voter participation.” Obviously, after nearly four decades of success in helping those in need, the organization is completely unsalvageable now, and should be abolished, say Republican senators.

Even Democrats are being careful not to be seen as supporting the once-respected group. “Sorry, poor folk, it’s a tough time to be giving you even less help, but we’re confident you’re a resourceful bunch. Good luck,” said former supporter, Democratic Senator Al Franken of Minnesota.

Ironically, ACORN has been a great help in registering Hispanics and blacks for the Democratic party. “I’m sure that has nothing to do with why Republicans have sought to vilify us for so long,” said Sally Jorgenson, press liaison for ACORN.

“Just look at how they promote themselves,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner, “using all those code words. ‘Direct action, voter participation’ – they’re obviously trying to recruit al Queada sympathizers for terrorist activity.”

After the scandal broke, ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis announced that, “As a result of the indefensible action of a handful of our employees, I am … immediately ordering a halt to any new intakes into ACORN's service programs until completion of an independent review.”

“That should help until we can finally close down that subversive group,” said Rep. Boehner.
Both houses of Congress voted immediately and overwhelmingly to stop all federal funding support for ACORN. And the rich began to party, as those pesky po’ people have just lost the nation’s largest grassroots community organization of low- and moderate-income people.

“The nation is safe once again,” said Boehner.

Palin's Latest Shocker: Hosting New Talk Show

2009-09-05T11:29:00.000-07:00

Ex-governor given slot opposite Leno, before Letterman on CBS

A Humor Times Exclusive

Former Alaskan Governor and Vice-Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin stunned pundits and fans alike in July when she announced her resignation, but has topped that with a real zinger today. Speculation flew for weeks as to hidden motives for the seemingly bizarre move to resign, yet no one could guess at what has now been revealed.

At a press conference held on a hunting trip in Alaska, Ms. Palin told invited reporters that she has agreed to host a new talk show, slated to begin next fall. The show, tentatively titled "Railin' Palin," will feature the ex-governor "railing" on the issues, and will compete directly with Jay Leno's new spot on NBC, even debuting the same week.

While Mr. Leno will continue to broadcast from his longtime studio in Burbank, Calif., Ms. Palin's show is expected to be based in Houston, Texas. "We considered having the show in New York, like Letterman, but that is not where Sarah's strongest base of support is," said the show's producer, William Stuckle.

And while Leno is expected to retain many of the most popular elements of his "Tonight Show," including bits like "Headlines" and "Jay Walking," some segments being planned for "Railin' Palin" are: "Palinspeak," wherein viewers will be treated to her latest inventive turns of phrase and "That Darn Elite Press," a humorous segment that "will provide a platform for "poking a little light-hearted fun at that lying, conniving, elitist press."

During her press conference, Ms. Palin revealed one other segment planned for the show. In between pot shots taken at exhausted wolves chased for miles by her hired helicopter, she said, "Of course, I'll be cracking jokes at Mr. Letterbub's expense every night - let's see how he likes it." Asked to give a hint of the nature of the jokes, Palin responded, "I'll say things like his six year old son has gotten little girls pregnant - you know, funny stuff like that."

"Of course, the liberal press likes to pile on and saying now that I'm a quitter. They just don't understand. They got the wrong girl - we Alaskans are born fighters, not quitters! All I did was swap my governor gloves for talk show gloves. I'm still punchin'," barked a visibly agitated Palin, firing shots all the while. "Like a guard in basketball, *POW* I'll bob and weave through that axis of evil press *BAM* by using their own TV against 'em *CRACK* and punching their lights out!" she continued, shouting over the gunshots and the drone of the chopper. "And I'm like, ok, God, *KABLAM* if you open this door for me - and this is what I always pray *KERPOW* - I'm like, I'm running through it. So, whether president or talk show host, *BAM* just give me a sign. And the good Lord has given me this sign." *POW*

She went on, saying, "Since that ol' Department of Law there in the White House refuses to prosecute Mr. Lesserman for his libels on my daughters, I'll just be my maverick self and use my own motherly instincts to protect them, by using Letterdude's own tactics right back at him. I'm looking forward to it - you betcha!"

Republicans Not Interested in 'Popularity Contest'

2009-05-30T14:12:00.000-07:00

Say appealing to the masses is undignified

Rep. Bachmann: What’s so great about popularity?
A Humor Times special report

Faced with declining popularity in the polls and accused of turning their backs on moderate elements within their party, top Republicans say their motivations are pure and beyond reproach. "We're not trying to win a popularity contest here, we're standing up for principal," said Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-MN.

When asked if getting elected isn't basically a popularity contest, Bachmann replied, "Most congress members should be impeached anyway. Newspapers should be investigating anti-American sentiment in Congress."

Bachmann insists that contrary to her public image, she does have a heart, and that someone has
to help the downtrodden and unfairly prosecuted CEOs, because "We're running out of rich
people in this country." She accused Obama of only thinking of the "suddenly in vogue middle
class," always touting his "elitist economic recovery act."

"We know, for example, that the Republican National Congress resolution telling Democrats they should agree to rename themselves the 'Democrat Socialist Party' would be seen as a sophomoric stunt and make us look all the more ridiculous, but we just don't care anymore," she said.

Other top Republicans agree that the party must stick to its principles. For example, they're not likely to give up their hard-line stance on gay marriage. "Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?" asked Sen. Rick Santorum, (R-PA).

Another unpopular practice they continue to defend is torture. "Torture is a despicable practice, and most Americans think so, but since we're pure and not swayed by public opinion, we continue to send Lord Vader, er, I mean, Dick Cheney out there to defend it," said Santorum. "Now that sure ain't gonna win us no popularity contests, but just call us dreamers, I guess."

Texas Gov. Rick Perry chimed in, adding, "Who needs a majority in the country anyway? We here in Texas are our own majority, and if we have to secede from the union to prove it, we will!"

Republican stalwart talking head Ann Coulter proclaimed that "Democrats are wimps and Republicans need to stay strong to save the country. I'm more of a man than any liberal." Regarding Obama's middle east foreign policy, which she called "traitorous," her advice is to simplify. "Invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity," she said.

[The links in this article go to the source for these actual quotes!]

Insurance Companies Say Public Option Not Covered

2009-05-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

Insist it must be killed to save patient

A Humor Times special report

AHIP's Karen Ignagni: ‘Pre-existing condition.’
Lobbyists for private health care insurance companies say that the public option in the Obama plan is no longer needed – they have miraculously found ways to save trillions that would normally have been added to pad their profits in coming years.

The only problem, they say, is that Obama “must first eradicate his proposal for a public health care option,” according to America’s Health Insurance Plans (AHIP), the nation’s largest health insurance lobbying group. Such an option would “rise like an alien beast from the chest of America’s body politic,” they insist, should it be allowed to “infest consumer consciousness at this early stage.”

“This country was founded on private enterprise,” said Harold Fairington, lobbyist for Health Net, “and introducing a foreign concept like a public insurance provider could be dangerous to our national health. Luckily, our timing is serendipitous, and we just happened to come up with some great ideas right now on slowing down our regularly scheduled price increases. At least, until we’ve exterminated this health threat.”

“It’s basically a pre-existing condition,” explained Karen Ignagni, President and CEO of AHIP. “Single-payer type systems have already infected nearly every other industrialized country in the world, and you can see what havoc they have wrought. We need to quarantine our nation’s pristine health care system from this menace.”

While the insurance lobby is basically saying “if ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” other views are being expressed in an increasingly contentious debate over health care, not least by doctors and nurses themselves.

“The insurance companies deny access to care to even those with insurance, by shoddy practices,” said Dr. Claudia Fegan, president of the Physicians for a National Health Program (PNHP). “Over 12,000 physicians support a national health insurance program that will cover everyone with the money we would save from the administrative waste of our current system.”

“That’s fine,” Ignagni replied when told of Fegan’s comment, “if you want elitist doctors and nurses deciding your fate. We’re more in touch with the little guy. And besides, do you really want to be like France, England, Canada and the rest of the world? Case closed. Coverage denied. Next patient please.”

America Repels Alien Attack on Native Soil

2009-05-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

Invaders target nation’s lawns, requiring “Shock and Awe” strategy, say experts

They may look harmless and even pretty to the
untrained eye, but these weeds are the enemy.
A Humor Times special report

When pundits debate national security in the media these days, they’re usually referring to threats posed by Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea. No doubt very important stuff, but every spring we face a growing insurgency right here at home: the massive invasion of unsightly weeds on the nation’s lawns.

“I’m at my wits end,” says Ernest Sanders of Atlanta, Georgia, who loves a uniform green lawn. “The weeds are the worst I’ve ever seen them, despite the gallons and gallons of weed killer I’ve saturated my yard with.”

According to U.S. Department of Agriculture, annual turf and lawn maintenance altogether is a $30 billion industry. However, over 400 different species of weeds and insects are now resistant to some or all pesticides traditionally used to battle them.

The extent of the problem is “rather startling” says Robert Metcalf of the University of Illinois. “It makes you think we’re doing something wrong.”

Indeed. Something is wrong, and according to Sam Restinthall, a lawn care specialist in Los Angeles, California, it is that we have not committed ourselves fully to the fight.

“We need a real ‘Shock and Awe’ strategy, to rid our nation of these foreign invaders, once and for all,” says Restinthall. “If the $8.9 billion we spend annually on lawn chemicals isn’t doing the job, let’s dump $20 billion on it. Talk about a great stimulus plan! We in the lawn care industry could use it, I’ll tell ya,” he said.

But radical capitalist-hating organic types say we shouldn’t be “poisoning” our lawns. They say weeds won’t thrive in rich soil, so people should work on making their soil healthy.

“Taller blades help shade the roots from the heat, so set the mower blade height to 3 inches, or more if your mower has a higher setting,” says Charlotte Berkenshire, organic lawn care expert from Lubbock, Texas.

“Buy sugar. Apply it to your lawn at the rate 1 pound sugar per 250 sq. ft. of lawn. Water it in well. Your soil has beneficial microbes that work round the clock, all year round, enriching the soil. Fertilizers, weed killers etc, kill these microbes. Sugar keeps them alive,” she says.

While that sounds sweet, Restinthall says it’s “living in fantasy land.” “She probably recommends smoking a big joint before mixing up the sugar water too,” he warned, “and that, as we all know, may be pleasant on a sunny day, but it is illegal.”

According to Monsanto, the nation’s leading pesticide manufacturer, citizens should be buying their genetically modified “Happy Grass” product, and using five tons of Round-Up each year on an average size lawn.

“If you want a stress-free lawn, you’ve got to use 21st century science,” said Ronald Dorkendurf, a consumer relations expert with Monsanto. “Our Happy Grass will grow green and strong, and is impervious to Round Up – so apply lots and lots of it. Nothing will live on your lawn but grass, it’s so easy!”

When asked about the effect of all that pesticide on pets and children playing on the lawn, Dorkendurf said, “Everyone knows lawns are for looking at, not playing on. Get your kids back inside on their video games where they belong, and put that dog on a leash!”

God Now Twittering

2009-04-04T18:05:00.000-07:00

Says Dalai Lama's tweets are 'amateur' and that He’s making popcorn and watching March Madness

HEAVEN – The Christian God began “Twittering” yesterday – a way of blogging very short posts, using an internet connection or a mobile phone. And in His very first Tweet, the Lord sayeth, “If the Dalai Lama can do it, I can do it,” adding, “Being the Almighty, I can go over 140 characters anytime I damn well please, I hope you know, pe...” before his post was cut off.

Religious scholars debated the ramifications of the Supreme Being’s new line of communication to mankind, some postulating that it could have negative consequences for the economy, as it would put preachers and prophets out of work, and possibly even diminish people’s need for churches.

“We will see preachers taking up the practice of twittering, just to stay relevant,” said Norman Holimeister, professor emeritus at Harvard Divinity School. “After all, if they claim a special connection with God, they can’t very well let laymen get the edge on them.”

According to Holimeister, part of God’s motivation to twitter may even be competitive. To support this view, he noted that five minutes after the Dalai Lama twittered, “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions,” God tweeted, “I made humans inherently happy, if you can’t keep it, that’s just plain karma, ok, people? ROCL!” (Twitter experts said this was probably a variation on the popular acronym ROFL, this one translating as “Rolling on clouds laughing!”)

In another post, the all-seeing deity, apparently still watching the NCAA basketball tournament, said, “Gawd, I sure gave these kids some hops, didn’t I? It’s downright nasty!” As a result of His basketball posts, a barrage of tweets have recently been posted that read like prayers (now being called “Twayers”), such as this one from hoopsman342: “Oh, God, please bless me with another 3 inches of lift, and I’ll be dunking hard with some freaky hang time!”

According to twitterholic.com, God shot up to a #1 worldwide ranking within just six hours of his first post. “He may be a Twewbie [a newbie on Twitter], but this is not altogether surprising,” said Jeremiah Yang, Senior Analyst on Social Computing for Forrester Research in Silicon Valley, California. “After all, He has always been a very popular figure. People just want to know what’s on His mind.”

Reported by Holy Joe, Humor Times spiritual correspondent

Republicans Eschew ‘Country First’ Motto

2009-04-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

New slogan ‘Failure IS An Option’ a better fit, they say

A Humor Times exclusive report

WASHINGTON, DC – The GOP was forced to retract its “Country First” motto today, first rolled out during Senator John McCain’s presidential campaign last year. Noting that it “contradicts” their current strategy, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) said, “In our effort to come up with a unified plan going forward, we decided to replace the now-irrelevant motto with our new one, ‘Failure IS An Option.’”

“It’s a new day, and a new challenge for the party,” said Boehner, “and we must convey our message to the American people clearly. The new slogan says to America, ‘Yes, we can fail, and it’s ok.’”

The Republican congressman maintained that “failing is the best way to succeed” in this new political climate, insisting that “by failing now, the nation will see that Democrats suck, and that there is no choice but to return to Republican rule, no matter how distasteful it may seem.”

Although painful in the short term, a massive failure by the Obama administration would allow the GOP to “pick up the pieces,” said Rush Limbaugh, the current de facto leader of the party, on his daily radio show. Limbaugh told listeners that Republicans must return “this lost and confused nation” to a “fiscally sound strategy of tax cuts for the rich, and a real, kick-ass stimulus strategy, consisting of a continuous war footing and empire building to put people to work in real careers – not these namby-pamby, eco-terrorist, solar fantasy jobs.”

“It’s time the American people woke up from their unrealistic dreams of ‘hope’ and returned to reality here. Obama is evil, Republicans are good – it’s really that simple,” Limbaugh shouted, adding, “Enough of the charade! Bring it on. Bring on the new depression, that’ll wake these dreamers up!”

Comcast to Offer Optional Porn With All Sporting Events

2009-03-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

Pilot project termed ‘very successful’

The Comcast cable empire has launched a new program the company hopes will enhance their swollen profit margin: Optional porn with any sporting event.

A pilot project held in Phoenix, Arizona during the Super Bowl “proved very successful” said Comcast Vice-President of Operations Dan Dickendorf.

“We were very encouraged by the feedback from customers,” explained Dickendorf, “despite a few minor complaints. The cable company’s research, he said, shows that the sports demographic – “mostly men with high testosterone levels” – makes it the “perfect match for this type of value-added programming.”

Comcast says the new option will be available with all sports coverage nationwide within a few weeks, for “a small added fee.” The service will feature five-minute snippets of “tasteful porn” interspersed during each period of play, with an optional ten minutes “Busty Bonus” coverage during half time.

“We expect fully half of viewers to go for the half-time option,” said Dickendorf, “rather than listen to more boring-ass washed-up so-called ‘analysts.’”

“This exciting new feature will be available to customers in much the same way as our ‘On Demand’ is now, making it quite convenient. We hope our viewers find it as stimulating as we do,” said Dickendorf. “We’re stiffening our resolve to penetrate the market with the hottest sports action, doing our best to satisfy our customers.”

Phelps Holds Little Known Bonging Gold

2009-03-10T13:57:00.000-07:00

High school award ‘proudest moment until Beijing’

The recent revelation that Michael Phelps, winner of an Olympic record eight gold medals in last year’s games, was photographed smoking a bong in November has led to an investigation that revealed even more: Michael Phelps won the Gold Medal of his senior class’ unofficial Olympic Bonging competition in high school.

In fact, say his old classmates, Phelps was famous in Maryland’s Towson High School for going to school stoned every day. “He never went to college, and I think I know why. All he ever wanted to do was swim and get high,” said his former high school buddy, “Slammin’” Sam Forester.

“Yeah, we had what we called an ‘Olympic Bonging competition’ back in the day, and in his Senior year, Phelps blew the rest of the field away,” added Forester. “He inhaled 57 straight bong hits, a record that still stands to this day, and those were monster bong hits, no sissy little puffs. I guess his lung capacity has always been huge.”

Phelps even credits his high school partying days with helping him along with his chosen career. “I’m very sorry to have disappointed my fans,” said Mr. Phelps in a recent press conference, “but, truth be told, those competitions strengthened my lungs. They were tough! I mean, without that rigorous training, I doubt I ever would have won all those swimming medals.”

His high school swimming coach, Tom Ruxton, weighed in, saying, “Now I know where he got that appetite! Come to think of it, his voracious ‘munchies’ are what gave him the fuel to excel at swimming, so I suppose you could say Phelps’ pot habit may have been what propelled him to the top of the swimming world.”
After considering his own words for a moment, Ruxton added, “In that respect, I guess pot got him high in more ways than one.”

Phelps promised he would never do it again. He also promised he’ll never drink, utter profanities, have public sex in the park, rob banks, flash random people on Main Street, rob homeowners with subprime mortgage scams or offer Senate seats for sale, should he ever become governor.

Reported by Humor Times Green Correspondent, Jason Puffer.

Boy Scout Camps Training Tomorrow’s Loggers

2009-03-01T13:42:00.000-08:00

Scout masters helping boys to ‘Be Prepared’ to become lumberjacks

A Humor Times special report

The Boy Scouts, long associated with their pledge to "treat the outdoors as a heritage" and to "be conservation minded," are now being trained as loggers, according to the Boy Scouts of America national spokesman Deron Smith.

"In this economy, we've got to do all we can to prepare our boys to enter the job market," said Smith. Despite a pledge recited by Boy Scouts saying "I agree to join with the Boy Scouts of America in protecting my country's natural beauty and conserving her natural resources," Smith insists the new direction does not contradict Scout values.

"Look, our councils across the country have authorized at least 60 clear-cutting operations and 35 salvage harvests, and we're proud of our boys for the hard work they have put in in the forests," Smith said.

"These logging practices harm the environment but maximize profits," countered Ronald Howley, a forestry expert with the Sierra Club, "and the profits are all the organization is really concerned with."

"That's nonsense," responded Smith, "this is responsible land management, one of our pillars of scouting for nearly 100 years. Besides, scouts must learn to set up camp in clearcuts as well as pristine environments. It's good training to 'be prepared' in all situations."

111th Congress: Members to Sport Corporate Logos

2009-02-08T17:16:00.000-08:00

NASCAR-like sponsorships intended to help balance budget

WASHINGTON, DC – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced today that the 111th Congress would be “proudly displaying” corporate logos on their suits, and many will even begin wearing special NASCAR-like uniforms to accommodate multiple logos.

“It’s an extraordinary new agreement we’ve managed to work out with corporate America,” said Pelosi. “The people demanded change and transparency, and this accomplishes both, while helping to balance the budget. It’s a win-win for America.”

While the Speaker acknowledged that the arrangement will reward congress members with private royalties as well, she insisted even that was “good news” for America, “as we won’t need to raise our salaries quite as often.”

While the House goes all-out with the new look, many senators say it’s beneath the dignity of their chamber. “The whole thing is absurd,” said Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), “it’s beyond the pale. We should be reducing corporate influence on Congress, not selling out to it even more!”

Despite such objections from a few senators, the majority are donning the new logos. However, most have opted to keep their business suits, simply having logos sewn onto them.

“The Senate is all about tradition,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “and we have opted to stick with the suit and tie. But we want to show we are business friendly, so these stylish patches proved to be the perfect thing.”

Plans are afoot to sell billboard space within the congressional chambers as well, with the prime spots, like the speaker’s podium, fetching the biggest fees. Eventually, the naming rights to the U.S. Capitol will be auctioned off, according to sources who wish to remain anonymous.

Corporations are lining up to start the bidding, with Nike hoping to install a neon “swoosh” on the capitol dome and naming it the “Just Do It Congress,” while Microsoft is placing their bid for a “Windows-on-the-World Congress” and a Microsoft logo lapel pin for all congressmen, replacing “outdated flag pins.”

“Once you get going on this, all kinds of revenue-generating ideas pop up,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), “for example, we could sell ad space in bills, since lobbyists write them anyway, and even provide logo space on the bill covers! The possibilities are endless.”

Reported by the Humor Times Capitol Press Bureau.

Final Interview: Bush Waxes Nostalgic

2009-01-23T13:11:00.000-08:00

‘I’m so proud of my accomplishness,’ he says

A Humor Times Special Report

WASHINGTON, DC – Winding up a month-long whirlwind tour of press interviews designed to burnish his legacy, now-former President George W. Bush seemed visibly emotional recalling his years in the White House in a session with Bill Moyers, to air soon on PBS.

“I want to thank the American people,” he says during the show, “for supporting me so unanimously, right up to the end.” When Mr. Moyers pointed out that his approval ratings have been among the lowest in history for sitting presidents, Bush replied, “Yes, and that is so thoughtful, trying to keep me humble like that, so I would continue to work hard. And it is hard work. I worked hard every day.”

Moyers’ questions were wide-ranging, as the host probed Mr. Bush on topics ranging from the 9/11 to the Iraq War to Katrina and the economy.

“As for economistic matters, I think I was able to save the country from the worst of it. You know, that Clinton really made a mess of things,” said Bush. “And as for Katrina, we did a heck of a job, as you know, flooding the area with relief.”

Despite Moyers’ attempts to get Bush to admit to some mistakes, the ex-president was upbeat. “My style is not one to wallow in the past,” he said, “and history may misunderestimate me, but reading is not my thing, so I doubt I’ll even see it.”

Towards the end of the interview, Mr. Bush began to show some emotion, and close-ups even reveal a tear at one point, which he quickly brushed away. “It’s just so great to be the decider-in-chief of the world’s greatest country, and to make great history the way I did. I know I’ll be remembered for generations, because everyone says there’s never been a president like me.”

Joe the Plumber Reports: Understanding the Israel-Palestine Conflict

2009-01-16T16:59:00.000-08:00

Exclusive to the Humor Times

TEL AVIV – As you probably know, I, Joe the Plumber, decided to go to Israel to find out the Truth that the media will not say. This is big news, and I’m happy to report that the networks continue to report on my reporting, and that’s great, because they’re reporting some real news for once. It feels good to be in the news again, because I’m comfortable there, and that’s why I decided to get into this here so-called “news” so-called “business.”

Anyway, after a very long flight (who knew the Atlantic Ocean was so huge? Isn’t it the small one?), I landed in Tel Aviv, and immediately set to work to dig out the Truth. Well, first I got a room. Very nice, for such a backward country. And the people are darned nice too, but they don’t speak very good English. I don’t think a plumber could find much work around here either, I’m guessing they draw all their water from wells.

So, once I was settled in and took a much-needed nap, I decided to get a feel for the country. I walked around, and figured the best way to get to know a culture is by eating there. So, I dropped into a little place and they gave me something called a “falafel” and asked me if I wanted to hum “Us,” but I didn’t know the tune, so I just said, “give me some of that stuff you’re holding,” and it was this nice creamy, light-tan-colored stuff, which was yummy.

So, although I didn’t find any burgers and fries, I did manage to fuel up for the task at hand. And now, boy, am I excited to get at the Truth for my faithful American readers.

I decided to just approach people on the street, and ask them what they think. With a bunch of other reporters there, all pointing their cameras at me, it was a little hard to get any natives to talk into my microphone. But finally, I stop one, and he says “What are you doing, you crazy American?! You run up and stick something in my face? Don’t you know how dangerous it is around here?!!” Then he turned and walked off in a huff. Sheesh! Kinda sensitive around here, I guess. But I did learn one thing – they are apparently very edgy in Israel. I’ll have to be more careful.

So the next time, I manage to lose the crowd of reporters, and I sneak up on a couple of young women, so as not to scare them. But they must’ve seen a sniper behind me or something, the way they screamed and ran away. I turned around real quick, but the snipers were gone.

Finally, I’m sitting at this café place, having a beer (no Coors, but a surprisingly good brew), when a guy asks me if I’m American. I say, “and proud of it,” and he says, “That’s good. You Americans give us lots of money to defend ourselves, we like you.” So I said, “Can I ask you some questions? I’m a real reporter from America, and I’ve come to find the Truth.” So he says, “Yeah, sure.” “Ok,” I think, “now we’re getting somewhere.”
Ok, so I ask this guy, whose name is Shahed, “What’s really going on here, between Israel and the Gaza-ites? And what he said was real interesting, and I think it’s about time the American people heard it, because this guy really lives here, full time, and he should know.

“We just want to live in peace, but they’re always shooting missiles at us,” he said. “I don’t understand, because we gave them some rocky land and access to water if we don’t use it all, and everything. Sure, we’ve long blockaded Gaza's ports and stopped cross-border shipment of needed supplies, creating a humanitarian crisis well before the current fighting began, but we have to protect ourselves.”

So there you have it. All sides of the story, reported dutifully directly to you, unfiltered. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for the liberal elitist media to do. Except for the one “fair and balanced” network, and they’re from the center. You never hear from the right, hardly. What’s up with that?

Anyway, this is Joe the Plumber, reporting from Israel. Hope to be home in civilization soon. God bless America and still-president Bush!

Obama Invites GOP to White House for “Healing”

2009-01-10T12:19:00.000-08:00

Invitation says ‘Come on over after the Inauguration, let’s patch things up’

President-Elect Barack Obama continued with his “unification” theme this week by sending invitations to all congressmen, Republicans and Democrats, for a “bipartisan healing,” scheduled for the day after his inauguration.

An Obama aide, speaking anonymously, said the idea was to “get past all the pent up emotion and bad feelings” between the rival parties, so that “we could move toward real unity.” “It fits in perfectly with Mr. Obama’s wide-ranging administration appointments thus far, and the forgiving nature of the president-to-be, vis-a-vis Joe Lieberman and so on,” said the source.

The aide went on to explain that, “We want it to be a real nice gathering, to start out on a friendly footing with the Republicans. You know, Barack wants to forgive and forget all those silly things that were said about him being a radical terrorist and what not. We feel the Republicans will come around, once they see that we mean them no harm.”

According to Republicans who have talked about it, the invitation asks them to bring their spouses, and a list of “everything you fear or dislike about Democrats.” Presumably, Democrats were asked to do the same about their Republican counterparts. Later, there apparently is to be a ceremony, where a “few words of reconciliation” will be pronounced, after which members of both parties will burn their lists in a fire scented with petiole oil, saying a little prayer, and “giving up the bad vibes to the universe.”

There are rumors that certain controversial figures from the left and the right who do not hold office may be invited as well. Names that were mentioned were Bill Ayers from the left – the controversial figure from Chicago whose name became so familiar to voters thanks to Sarah Palin – and Rush Limbaugh from the right, the acerbic talk radio host. A special padded room was planned to be set aside for those two to “work things out.”

“Barack Obama is an optimist at heart, and he asks, ‘why can’t we all just get along?’” said the Obama aide, adding, “and we say, sure, why not? Let’s share our deepest feelings, start out fresh – and maybe then we can get something done for the country.”

Bush Pardons Self & Everyone He Knows Forever

2009-01-05T10:11:00.000-08:00

Says he knows they’d never do anything bad

Still-president George W. Bush announced today that he is issuing a blanket pardon for everyone he’s ever been associated with, or knew in high school. “I consider myself a great judge of characterness,” he said, “and therefore I wish to save our overburdened justice system from any unnecessary work load.”

The blanket pardons will extend into perpetuity, according to the text of the document he signed. It reads, in part, “I, George W. Bush, still president and still the decider, hereby pardon everyone I’ve ever known for anything they might have done, or are doing now, or will ever do in the future.”

The document lists over a thousand names, but adds, “If I’ve forgotten anyone, please pardon me, (heheheh). But if you can prove you’ve ever talked to me for more than five minutes, you are officially pardoned for what I assume are just momentary lapses, or mistakes, although I wouldn’t know what a ‘mistake’ is.”

“Hey, I’ve done a few of them indiscretions myself in my life,” he said after the signing, “back in what I like to call my ‘indiscretionary period’ – but just think about it. If I had been saddled with a police record, I never would have been elected – or even selected by the Supreme Court – to be your president.” As he turned to leave, he added, “Just think about that for a moment!”

Entire Wal-Mart Store Trampled in New Year’s Sale Buying Spree

2009-01-02T10:24:00.000-08:00

Humor Times Exclusive

They thought it couldn’t get any worse than the “Black Friday” trampling deaths of three people in a Wal-Mart at Green Acres Mall in Valley Stream, NY, on November 28th. However, on New Year’s Day, at the Lampasas, TX Wal-Mart, all hell broke loose.

Witnesses say it was like a “human tsunami,” as wave after wave of frenzied shoppers, trying their best to get a good deal in this tight economy, overran employees, killing 18, before finally overwhelming the structure itself. The final death toll is not yet known.

Police estimate there were over 10,000 price-conscious shoppers, who, after bursting through the glass doors minutes before official opening time, crammed in so tight that the pressure actually weakened the walls, as the huge mass of bargain-starved humanity bulged them outward.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Annie Bizyclerk, who luckily arrived late for her shift, “I got here, and thousands and thousands of deal-hunting consumers were stampeding their way into the store. I was scared, but went around the back to the associate – that is, the employee – entrance, and then...” Her voice trailed off. Regaining her composure, she went on, “Then, I felt the ground begin to shake, and the building started to crumble. It was just awful. Now where can I work, for slave wages, 60 hours a week, with no overtime and no health benefits?”

After the collapse, police say they did their best to round up people who had survived to get them to the hospital. “But they were running away, holding beat-up packages, some of them with obviously broken bones and bad injuries,” said Officer James L. Resturorder, adding, “I guess they got their bargains.”

“Hey, I’ve been in line since yesterday morning, and put up with bricks and crap falling all over me, so I deserve this!” said Roger Deelsarkule, one of the lucky shoppers, having actually survived and in possession of a deluxe gas barbeque set he was rolling home. “And I didn’t want to roll this heavy thing over those people’s heads, they just got in the way.” A minute or so later, Deelsarkule was arrested by police swarming the scene.

Wal‑Mart, in a statement issued at its headquarters in Bentonville, Ark., said, “The safety and security of our customers and associates is our top priority. We offer our thoughts and prayers for them and their families at this tragic time, at no extra charge. Surviving associates are reminded that they are to report for work in the morning, where other associates will patch you up so you can get back to work without wasting time on needless medical care.”

Palin Greets “New Year of Possibilities”

2009-01-01T09:15:00.000-08:00

Alaska Governor looks ahead

After a breakout year that saw Alaska Governor Sarah Palin rise to star status in the Republican party, she is looking forward to a “new day for true believers in freedom across this great land of America.”

While many in Alaska just wish she’d come home and tend to her duties as governor, Palin continued to stoke national fame in what some believe is a bid for the Senate in 2010.

“That ol’ Senator Ted Stevens, bless his heart, he tried, but those dumb ol’ partisan politics, ya know, they just did him in,” she said at a New Year’s Eve celebration in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Asked why she didn’t go to a bigger city to celebrate, she explained she prefers “the heartland, part of the real America, that gets it, where they don’t go around palling with terrorists and things.”

“Some of those liberal pundits like to say I’m just out doin’ this kinda stuff like celebratin’ with down-home folks here in Tulsa ’cuz I love the national limelight,” Palin said, “but that’s just more liberalness. Would I like to win Stevens’ seat back for the GOP? You betcha! Will I run in 2010? If you believe that, all I gotta say, is I got a bridge to nowhere to sell ya!”

Asked if she may actually run for Senator in another state, like Oklahoma, for example, Palin responded, “Anyone who thinks I’m travelin’ around, meeting up with the good folks of this state, here in the heartland of America, for selfish reasons is sadly mistaken. It’s only those good ol’ altruistic feelings of mine, deep in my heart, full of love for America, and feelin’ feelings of lovingness for my Republican fans, bless their little hearts, and the need of all of us, and the economy bein’ in such sad shape and all, and with my expertise in the area of energy, what with all that stuff goin’ on around these issues, and so on, which is why I want to stand up for America.”

Obama: U.S. Too Big to Fail

2008-12-20T11:30:00.000-08:00

Reassures “nattering nabobs of negativity”

CHICAGO, IL - With the U.S. economy seemingly disintegrating right before our eyes, President-elect Barack Obama is anxious to get his new team to work on the problem. Obama has selected the “best and the brightest,” many of whom have served under Clinton in the past and have been “intimately involved” in riding the economy “to hell in a handbasket” as one aide put it, who wished to remain anonymous.

“Neither bankruptcy nor forced reorganization is the right prescription for these troubled mega-corporations,” said Tim Geithner, Obama’s pick for Treasury Secretary, adding, “they need our help to maintain their way of life.”

“Now, we’ve asked that the auto companies come up with a plan to save themselves,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D‑NV, “we’re not just going to hand over 35 billion dollars with no plan, that’s crazy talk.” Asked about bank bailouts, he said, “As far as Citibank goes, we’re ready to dump another 300 billion on them right now.”

Pressed for details, Reid was brief. “Citibank already has a plan, and we’re satisfied with it,” he said. According to a top Citibank executive, that plan consists of layoffs, incantations, strident pleas and throwing themselves on the kind mercies of Hank Paulson.

Even after accepting hundreds of billions in bailout funds, Citibank and other banks still hold hundreds of billions in toxic paper. “No problem,” said Geithner, “we’ve got new technologies for cleaning up toxic waste – did you know that certain forms of bacteria can eat that stuff and produce clean water? Amazing.”

However, despite Geithner’s upbeat appraisal of the situation, many top economists are forecasting gloom and doom. “Things are not looking good,” said two-time Nobel-prize winner and former chief economist of the World Bank, Joseph Stiglitz, adding, “if we don’t empty our wallets right now for these poor CEOs, bankers and speculators, we’re all toast.”

But Obama continued to insist that there is hope. “We must remain optimistic, as we look to the future and work together to build trust once again,” he said, toting a duffle bag as he walked out of his own bank, after withdrawing everything he had in it. “I’m confident we can turn it around, after all, the U.S. is simply too big to fail. I’m sure the Chinese feel the same way, and they have the added incentive of needing to keep their biggest asset – us – afloat.”

Plaxico Burress Not Faster Than Speeding Bullet

2008-12-10T11:36:00.000-08:00

‘Still faster than any other receivers, bullet in my leg or not’ he claims

Plaxico Burress, wide receiver for defending the Super Bowl champions New York Giants, issued a contrite statement today trying to explain the recent self-inflicted bullet wound which occurred in a New York night club on December 1st.

“I always thought of my self as Superman out there on the field, so I wanted to see if it was true that Superman could outrun a speeding bullet. Guess not,” said Burress. The bullet was made by Plaxico Products, Inc., which also makes many other goods, mostly plastic, and is the wide receiver’s name sake. “My mama always liked their plastic food storage containers, so she named me after them,” he said.

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg said Burress could no longer be considered a hero in the city, saying, “He’s no Superman, and he’s not even in the same league as our Batman. I doubt he could even outrun a speeding train.”

Burress posted $100,000 bail after being charged on one count of being a narcissistic jerk and two counts of second-degree criminal possession of a hand gun, as he did not have a permit for it. If convicted, Burress could face a prison sentence of 3 ½ to 15 years.

Teammate Antonio Pierce, who was with Burress at the night club, said, “Man, the boy’s got no sense. I told him to get a head start on that bullet – hell, Plaxi’s fast, but bullets start out at top speed – you got to get a running head start. I’d a been happy to pop a cap in his ass for him, if he just coulda fished that bisquit out of his sweat pants for me, but he always wants to do everything him self. Besides, he was stinking drunk.”

His behavior may end up costing his team a chance to repeat as NFL champions. The Giants fined and suspended Burress with out pay for the final four regular-season games, which is expected to cost him roughly $206,000 per game check and perhaps a $1 million payment from his signing bonus, and the NFL may suspend him for all of next season. “Hell, I may even have to give up one of my two dozen Ferraris,” said Burress when told the news.

Reported by Humor Times Sports Desk.