Republicans Eschew ‘Country First’ Motto

New slogan ‘Failure IS An Option’ a better fit, they say

A Humor Times exclusive report

WASHINGTON, DC – The GOP was forced to retract its “Country First” motto today, first rolled out during Senator John McCain’s presidential campaign last year. Noting that it “contradicts” their current strategy, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) said, “In our effort to come up with a unified plan going forward, we decided to replace the now-irrelevant motto with our new one, ‘Failure IS An Option.’”

“It’s a new day, and a new challenge for the party,” said Boehner, “and we must convey our message to the American people clearly. The new slogan says to America, ‘Yes, we can fail, and it’s ok.’”

The Republican congressman maintained that “failing is the best way to succeed” in this new political climate, insisting that “by failing now, the nation will see that Democrats suck, and that there is no choice but to return to Republican rule, no matter how distasteful it may seem.”

Although painful in the short term, a massive failure by the Obama administration would allow the GOP to “pick up the pieces,” said Rush Limbaugh, the current de facto leader of the party, on his daily radio show. Limbaugh told listeners that Republicans must return “this lost and confused nation” to a “fiscally sound strategy of tax cuts for the rich, and a real, kick-ass stimulus strategy, consisting of a continuous war footing and empire building to put people to work in real careers – not these namby-pamby, eco-terrorist, solar fantasy jobs.”

“It’s time the American people woke up from their unrealistic dreams of ‘hope’ and returned to reality here. Obama is evil, Republicans are good – it’s really that simple,” Limbaugh shouted, adding, “Enough of the charade! Bring it on. Bring on the new depression, that’ll wake these dreamers up!”

Obama Invites GOP to White House for “Healing”

Invitation says ‘Come on over after the Inauguration, let’s patch things up’

President-Elect Barack Obama continued with his “unification” theme this week by sending invitations to all congressmen, Republicans and Democrats, for a “bipartisan healing,” scheduled for the day after his inauguration.

An Obama aide, speaking anonymously, said the idea was to “get past all the pent up emotion and bad feelings” between the rival parties, so that “we could move toward real unity.” “It fits in perfectly with Mr. Obama’s wide-ranging administration appointments thus far, and the forgiving nature of the president-to-be, vis-a-vis Joe Lieberman and so on,” said the source.

The aide went on to explain that, “We want it to be a real nice gathering, to start out on a friendly footing with the Republicans. You know, Barack wants to forgive and forget all those silly things that were said about him being a radical terrorist and what not. We feel the Republicans will come around, once they see that we mean them no harm.”

According to Republicans who have talked about it, the invitation asks them to bring their spouses, and a list of “everything you fear or dislike about Democrats.” Presumably, Democrats were asked to do the same about their Republican counterparts. Later, there apparently is to be a ceremony, where a “few words of reconciliation” will be pronounced, after which members of both parties will burn their lists in a fire scented with petiole oil, saying a little prayer, and “giving up the bad vibes to the universe.”

There are rumors that certain controversial figures from the left and the right who do not hold office may be invited as well. Names that were mentioned were Bill Ayers from the left – the controversial figure from Chicago whose name became so familiar to voters thanks to Sarah Palin – and Rush Limbaugh from the right, the acerbic talk radio host. A special padded room was planned to be set aside for those two to “work things out.”

“Barack Obama is an optimist at heart, and he asks, ‘why can’t we all just get along?’” said the Obama aide, adding, “and we say, sure, why not? Let’s share our deepest feelings, start out fresh – and maybe then we can get something done for the country.”

Obama: U.S. Too Big to Fail

Reassures “nattering nabobs of negativity”

CHICAGO, IL - With the U.S. economy seemingly disintegrating right before our eyes, President-elect Barack Obama is anxious to get his new team to work on the problem. Obama has selected the “best and the brightest,” many of whom have served under Clinton in the past and have been “intimately involved” in riding the economy “to hell in a handbasket” as one aide put it, who wished to remain anonymous.

“Neither bankruptcy nor forced reorganization is the right prescription for these troubled mega-corporations,” said Tim Geithner, Obama’s pick for Treasury Secretary, adding, “they need our help to maintain their way of life.”

“Now, we’ve asked that the auto companies come up with a plan to save themselves,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D‑NV, “we’re not just going to hand over 35 billion dollars with no plan, that’s crazy talk.” Asked about bank bailouts, he said, “As far as Citibank goes, we’re ready to dump another 300 billion on them right now.”

Pressed for details, Reid was brief. “Citibank already has a plan, and we’re satisfied with it,” he said. According to a top Citibank executive, that plan consists of layoffs, incantations, strident pleas and throwing themselves on the kind mercies of Hank Paulson.

Even after accepting hundreds of billions in bailout funds, Citibank and other banks still hold hundreds of billions in toxic paper. “No problem,” said Geithner, “we’ve got new technologies for cleaning up toxic waste – did you know that certain forms of bacteria can eat that stuff and produce clean water? Amazing.”

However, despite Geithner’s upbeat appraisal of the situation, many top economists are forecasting gloom and doom. “Things are not looking good,” said two-time Nobel-prize winner and former chief economist of the World Bank, Joseph Stiglitz, adding, “if we don’t empty our wallets right now for these poor CEOs, bankers and speculators, we’re all toast.”

But Obama continued to insist that there is hope. “We must remain optimistic, as we look to the future and work together to build trust once again,” he said, toting a duffle bag as he walked out of his own bank, after withdrawing everything he had in it. “I’m confident we can turn it around, after all, the U.S. is simply too big to fail. I’m sure the Chinese feel the same way, and they have the added incentive of needing to keep their biggest asset – us – afloat.”

Obama Begins Planning Transition to Socialism, Communism

“We earned the political capital, and we intend to spend it,” he says

A Humor Times Special Report

CHICAGO, IL – “With our dramatic victory in the polls on election day, we believe we have a mandate for a complete transition to a communist-socialist system, which we will begin planning for immediately,” said Barack Obama in a controversial speech today. “Obviously, John McCain and Sarah Palin made it very obvious to the voters what I’m all about, and the voters chose change – so change is what they will get,” he roared, to a somewhat dumbfounded audience of Democratic supporters.

According to a central member of Obama’s transition team, John Podesta, “The plan will not disappoint the majority, who, of course, voted for socialism. One of our first steps will be to take an inventory of everyone’s property, so that we may decide who gets what.” Details of the plan, leaked yesterday, indicate that furniture, TVs (including HD widescreen sets), valuables such as jewelry and paintings, cars and even houses will be redistributed “each according to his need.”

The plan also stipulates that people may be assigned new jobs, “according to his or her ability.” “This could mean many bankers and Wall Street types will be reassigned to garbage collection and demolition jobs, as they have proven that they are good at trashing things,” explained Podesta. Other reassignments include: putting Karl Rove on slime detail, helping plumbers with backed-up sewers; sending George W. Bush to the front lines in Iraq to fight the war he loves; and giving Rush Limbaugh a full-time job filling hot air balloons, which will double as a carbon-reduction scheme, since he will replace propane heaters that currently do the job.

In the most controversial tenet of the plan as leaked, salaries would be flattened, with the higher income bracket giving over as much as 80% of its income to the poor, who will see their incomes rise up to 300%. “It’s a new day,” proclaimed Obama in his speech, “and the end of poverty. I ask the rich to please be patriotic and cooperate – you’ve had your time, now it’s everyone’s time.”

Also included in the proposal is the diversion of $3 trillion of the country’s wealthiest corporations’ profits to paying down the national debt, a provision that has been declared “blasphemous” by Republicans. “This will put us on the road to recovery, as the debt has grown to an astronomical $10 trillion under this Republican administration,” said Podesta, adding, “with a strengthened economy and the redistribution if corporate wealth, we should have it paid off within Obama’s first term.”

Republican House Minority Whip Roy Blunt, in his party’s response to the news, declared, “Well, we tried to warn you. I’ll bet you want us back now, don’t you? With our strictly laissez-faire capitalist methods, everyone but the top 1% was on their way to becoming beggars on the street – but at least we couldn’t be called ‘socialists!’”

Crazy Preachers Unite to Form New Political Party

Claim God listens only to them

Jeremiah Wright, Barack Obama's former pastor, announced today that a "holy dozen" group of pastors, preachers, rabbis and clerics have joined together to form a new political party called MOPP (Mad Old Preachers Party).

"Oh, they like to call us 'crazy,' alright - yeah, we all wild and up in the nation's face today. The people will be thrilled that we've come to 'MOPP' up the country, cleaning out the unbelievers," exclaimed an excited Rev. Wright, arms flapping about wildly to accentuate his pronouncements. "Make no mistake, this gang of looney old coots will bring America back from the brink of damnation! They will see I’m not the only mad preacher around," he added.

Rev. Wright was flanked by some of the very diverse super-star preachers helping to launch the new party: John Hagee, James Dobson, Pat Robertson, Louis Farrakhan, Mike Huckabee, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Kenneth Copeland, Father Michael Swierzy, Reverend Sun Myung Moon, and the "Screaming Preacher," Jonathan Bell.

John Hagee, a pastor who endorsed John McCain, said, "Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist. Just joking! But seriously, it was that gay parade in New Orleans that brought on Katrina. Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans. And our new party will set the country right with the Lord."

Rod Parsley, spiritual advisor to John McCain, claims he is just the cure for gayness that is needed to prevent future natural disasters. "I'd say this word one time on television and 100,000 homosexuals and lesbians would be instantly set free," he explained, adding, "I did this the other day. Two lesbians were having perverted sex, drinking alcohol, and snorting cocaine. But when I shouted, 'Come out' their glasses burst in their hands and they slithered out of the bed and got gloriously born again and filled with the Holy Ghost. That's when I took them both into the back room and personally showed them the glory of God."

Although some fought his inclusion, Louis Farrakhan said he made a logical addition to the team, since he could deliver a million votes from men and a million more from their obedient wives. He said despite the differences, this group was determined to get a man of God in the White House. "We'll work out the details later," adding, "it may come down to whose God is stronger. One thing for sure, in a world temporarily dominated by the blue-eyed Caucasian devils, God wants a black preacher to be president."

Pat Robertson, head of the Christian Broadcasting Network, former head of the Christian Coalition and former presidential candidate, said, "All this talk of defending America is missing the point. As a candidate, I’d pledge to defend Christians." Saying Christians are under attack from forces as bad as the Nazis, Mr. Robertson continued, "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing ... the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Why I tell ya, it's more terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

Mr. Robertson also played down the terrorist threat, pledging instead to work against the "gay threat," saying that left to work its evil, "gaydom will bring about the destruction of the nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."

Jesse Jackson said, "I hear that melting-pot stuff a lot, and all I can say is that we haven't melted. We are here today to say, it's up to us preachers to bring the heat."

Rev. Al Sharpton said, "Having a preacher for president would be like sweet honey on the rock, have mercy!"

Reverend Sun Myung Moon, crowned the "King of Peace" by Republicans in a 2004 Washington ceremony, and who financially and editorially supports Republicans via his Washington Times, denounced the United States as "Satan's harvest" and likened American women to "prostitutes." Then, vowing to sweep aside American democracy and individualism as he builds a one-world state, he said, "before my plan to swallow entire America is complete, there will be some individuals who complain inside your stomach. However, they will be digested."

Moon pooh-poohed his tax evasions and long-standing ties to organized crime and international drug smuggling, including South American cocaine traffickers, saying his former daughter-in-law Nansook Hong was lying when she gave first-hand accounts of his money-laundering. "God sent a second Messiah," he explained, "who turned out to be me! All governments will be abolished except my one-world theocracy. America is Satanic. America is so Satanic that even hamburgers should be considered evil, because they come from America."

Father Michael Swierzy, a Catholic priest who recently changed parishes "for no real reason," said a preacher party could win in November, and that "I will personally work to make sex education a priority, and us priests are just the ones to provide it. Preferably just to little boys."

Looking over his flock of preachers with pride, and optimistic of their chances in November, Rev. Jeremiah Wright said, "America is ready for more than change, America is ready for the God Party. I hear the doubters. They say this group can't work together, they say a preacher can't govern, they ramble on about separation of church and state. But I tell you, we're the party of God. It is our time... America's chickens is coming home to roost."

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