Final Interview: Bush Waxes Nostalgic

‘I’m so proud of my accomplishness,’ he says

A Humor Times Special Report

WASHINGTON, DC – Winding up a month-long whirlwind tour of press interviews designed to burnish his legacy, now-former President George W. Bush seemed visibly emotional recalling his years in the White House in a session with Bill Moyers, to air soon on PBS.

“I want to thank the American people,” he says during the show, “for supporting me so unanimously, right up to the end.” When Mr. Moyers pointed out that his approval ratings have been among the lowest in history for sitting presidents, Bush replied, “Yes, and that is so thoughtful, trying to keep me humble like that, so I would continue to work hard. And it is hard work. I worked hard every day.”

Moyers’ questions were wide-ranging, as the host probed Mr. Bush on topics ranging from the 9/11 to the Iraq War to Katrina and the economy.

“As for economistic matters, I think I was able to save the country from the worst of it. You know, that Clinton really made a mess of things,” said Bush. “And as for Katrina, we did a heck of a job, as you know, flooding the area with relief.”

Despite Moyers’ attempts to get Bush to admit to some mistakes, the ex-president was upbeat. “My style is not one to wallow in the past,” he said, “and history may misunderestimate me, but reading is not my thing, so I doubt I’ll even see it.”

Towards the end of the interview, Mr. Bush began to show some emotion, and close-ups even reveal a tear at one point, which he quickly brushed away. “It’s just so great to be the decider-in-chief of the world’s greatest country, and to make great history the way I did. I know I’ll be remembered for generations, because everyone says there’s never been a president like me.”

Global Warming Declared Big Success

As Arctic opens up, Bush declares “Mission Accomplished”

Still-President George W. Bush declared “Mission Accomplished” today in the fight to open up more oil fields. “The melting arctic ice will open access to one third of proven reserves,” Bush said at a White House press conference, siting a new report by the US Geological Survey, “which are reserves we desperately need – to power hundreds of millions of air conditioners through the next century, thus reducing the inconvenient truth of discomfort during our global warming campaign.”

“The advantages of this new oil source are obvious. Instead of having to fight seasoned terrorist nations, all we have to do is convince the Canadians to let us have the oil off their northern coasts,” said Bush in response to a query about legal ownership of the Arctic oil fields, “and we all know how accommodating those Canucks can be, eh?”

In prepared remarks at the press conference, EPA Administrator Stephen Johnson said, “Now you see why I was not interested in catering to liberal whiners’ demands to regulate greenhouse gases – that would have only delayed this essential progress.”

Asked about the threat to polar bears, Johnson replied, “We’ve planned ahead for that. With the huge supply of new fuel, we will be able to create a new polar bear reserve. By installing refrigerator coils beneath one of the big ice chunks that are breaking off, we can keep it frozen for them.”

Republicans in Congress have rushed to embrace the new study, saying it validates Bush’s long-term strategy.
“Finally, near the end of this great president’s term in office, we can see he was right all along,” said House minority leader John Boehner, adding, “this is great news as we approach the elections – our party is vindicated! Global warming will free us from oil supply constraints. I’d like to hear environmentalists debunk this one!”

Democrats were more subdued, claiming it will only delay the inevitable need to build up the nation’s alternative energy capacity.

“This doesn’t change anything. We’re still the party of the people, and by that I mean the people lobbying for the oil industry, who should tell their clients to send all their political campaign donations to us,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, “since we don’t have any qualms about drilling in the Arctic – that ain’t our coast, after all.”

All Environmentally Sound Energy Projects Put on Hold Pending Environmental Review

Bush administration sites “ecological concerns”

A Humor Times Special Report

DENVER – Faced with mounting numbers of proposed alternative energy plants, the federal government has placed a moratorium on all such projects until it studies their environmental impact. While the projects themselves are seen by many as imperative in the face of predicted ecological collapse, the administration says it wants to be sure that “the cure is not worse than the disease.”

“We’ve finally learned from environmentalists that impacts must be carefully assessed,” explained Bureau of Land Management (BLM) project manager Linda Resseguie, “and we want to start out on the right foot with alternative energy. Besides, we’ve got all that oil just off the coasts we could use up while we study this thing.”

Asked if the risks associated with drilling off the coasts wouldn’t be worse than wind or solar plants, Resseguie said, “We’ve got decades of experience in oil spill cleanup, but we’re novices at building solar plants in the desert. There are dangers we’re only beginning to comprehend here, like too much shade affecting lizards, gopher holes getting stepped on, and the like.”

The fledgling solar industry is crying foul, saying this is the time to ramp up solar investment, and that stalling will stunt the growth an industry poised to expand. But administration officials answer that they’ve got nothing to worry about. “Their day will come. Those tree-hugging sun worshipers ought to just take a nice drive in their Hummers and enjoy the smoggy sunset,” said Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Administrator Stephen Johnson. “After all, we can’t risk more stress on the economy right now,” he said, adding, “Our economic security is dependent on oil companies making record profits, since we need them to beef up our sagging GDP as much as possible.”

“We’ve got a world to save,” offered Vice President Dick Cheney, eyes squinting from the bright sunlight, as he crawled out of his undisclosed location near CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia. “And we don’t need these namby-pamby greenies getting in the way,” he said, shading his eyes, “we’ve been studying climate change for three decades, they can wait a few more years for more studies on this blasted sun. Bring me my sunglasses, dammit!”

Asked if the environmental groups aren’t also doing their part to try to save the world, Mr. Cheney retorted, “Sure, they’re trying, but their problem is they just don’t have a clue. Look, you can’t run an army on solar power. Neither can you save the world with a windmill. It’s simple – extract all the oil you can first, so that we have the fuel to run the trucks that deliver the solar panels. See?”

“Well, I guess we do need gas to get the equipment in place,” conceded Holly Morton of Sunny Solutions, a solar thermal energy company in Palo Alto, California. “Because it would be a tough slog on bicycles in the desert. Once again, Dick shows why he’s the man,” she said, locking up the office and heading for her Prius. “I guess we’ll just stop building solar plants for now – I mean, what’s the rush?” she asked, as the temperature reached a record 120°, the drought worsened and the radio blared dire warnings of rare killer tornadoes for the area.

Prez Shocks World: Does Something Good

After seven long years of total incompetence, President George W. Bush has turned the tables and has been recognized for doing something that was not only not inept, not only was not terrible, but was - contrary to all expectations - actually good. He helped South Africa with the AIDS epidemic in a big way, and that country loves him for it.

As his recent visit showed, South Africa was thrilled to have the president visit, waving American flags that, incredibly, were not burning, or even smoldering. Instead of effigies of the president, he was greeted with African women wearing his visage on the backside of their skirts. According to a source who asked to remain anonymous, the president had a good laugh and whispered that he was amazed didn't even have to ask - as he did in his younger days - to get "young women to sit on my face."

Most of the world, including the international press and leaders from various nations, expressed amazement and sheer wonderment that the president didn't screw anything up in this endeavor.

The liberal organization MoveOn, however, issued a press release that said, in part, "While it is on one hand quite heartening to see the president help with such a grave issue as AIDS, in a way it feels like a slap in the face. Just when the entire world had resigned itself to the fact that the leader of the free world was a bumbling idiot and they would have to wait until 2009 for any kind of relief from his destructive and counter-productive policies on all fronts, he does this. Now he has shown us that he was indeed capable all along, yet just felt like screwing with us. In other words, by this action, George Bush is simply thumbing his nose at the world on his way out of office."

In response, press secretary Dana Perino said that, "The president understands the frustration of ultra-liberal terrorist-lovers like MoveOn, but he is not in office to please them. He has had his priorities throughout the last seven years, and they didn't include appeasement of that organization, nor of any other group, or country for that matter. His priority has been to make the USA safe from any form of terrorist threat or propaganda, and by putting the nation on a footing of fear and hair-trigger paranoia, he has achieved a state of readiness like no other president has ever done. And yes, he does enjoy pissing off liberals by stealing the thunder on one of their pet issues."

Besides MoveOn, a few other organizations were less than pleased with his performance in South Africa. Boynarr Sanyika, an African dance instructor with the dance troupe Djembe-L, based in the U.S., expressed dismay at the president's dance moves while visiting the country. "Why? Why oh why subject a country he's trying so hard to impress to moves like that?" he asked, adding, "We could have taught him a few moves in an hour that would have saved him from months of ridicule on YouTube!"

Gonzales Insists Responsibility for Responsibility Not His

WASH., D.C. - Attorney General Roberto Gonzales, facing increasing scrutiny for his role in the firings of US Attorneys under his watch, ostensibly for political reasons, says he is responsible, but "not responsible."

"You must understand," said Gonzales to reporters yesterday, "I accept responsibility, but how can I be responsible for others' irresponsibility?" The Attorney General is renowned for his irrefutable logic in showing how things are really different than any one ever thought - such as his one-word debunking of the Geneva Conventions as "quaint," which were previously considered sacrosanct.

Gonzales explained away his current predicament with equal aplomb, although it took many more words to wiggle himself out of this one. "In other words, to paraphrase the Great One himself," he said, in an apparent reference to Donald Rumsfeld, "there are responsibilities you are responsible for. Then, there are responsibilities that others are responsible for. Finally, there are responsibilities no one knows who is responsible for. I call these the 'irresponsible responsibilities.' I mean, who knew?!"

In taking this tack, Gonzales is following the time-honored "aw shucks" defense, honed through the years by unfairly harassed CEOs and politicians, until to day it is widely accepted that those in charge cannot possibly know what's going on below them. Some pooh-pooh this defense, claiming that to accept this is to accept that there is no accountability for the concept of accountability.

But Gonzales defenders reply by pointing out that there are unaccountable accountabilities, and then there are accountabilities that are unaccountable. Even a third grader, who stole a candy bar but didn't mean to, knows this. Sure, he enjoys the sugary goodness to its fullest, but that candy bar put itself in his pocket, by reason of the "aw shucks" defense. And ultimately, as Gonzales himself might reason, the boy is helping the world by allowing one less cavity-causing delectable to be consumed by some other unsuspecting kid.

Responding to accusations of applying double standards, Gonzales said, "That's patently false. For example, if I refused to do what I told myself to do, I would not hesitate to fire myself."

Still, hard-line prosecutors charge that the attorneys were let go for "following the law," rather than following the "partisan political directives" of those above them. But the Attorney General insists "In reality, they brought it on themselves." Gonzales pointed out that one of the fired attorneys as much as admitted his guilt when he said, "Silly me, I thought I swore an oath to protect the people and the constitution."

Silly indeed, and undeniably "quaint."

Bush to Launch War on Global Warming

WASH., D.C. - The Bush administration announced plans for a new offensive today, a "War on Global Warming." After denying the existence of global warming for years, administration officials have finally capitulated to overwhelming scientific evidence in recent months. Now that they have acknowledged it, they appear to be ready to take forceful, direct action.

"With our great successes in the past, including the War on Drugs, the War on Crime, the War on Teen Pregnancy, the War on Poverty, and the War on the Environment, not to mention our inevitable soon-to-be victory in Iraq, we've decided the time has come to show this 'Global Warming' that we mean business," said President Bush in a Rose Garden press conference yesterday. "Americans will not give up our way of life to appease an enemy, whether it be Al Qaida, the Taliban or new threats like the terror campaigns of the Global Warming," he said, adding, "I am the decider, and I will decide whether or not to turn up the heat, and this Global Warming will soon see that America will not cut our thermostats and run."

Pentagon officials have released intelligence reports showing they believe Global Warming has concentrated its forces in the Arctic and the Antarctic. (The CIA said its own intelligence showed "somewhat different" results.) "No country, or continent, or ice sheet for that matter, can harbor terrorists and get away with it," said Pentagon spokesman Jake Warrington. "We know where they are, and we'll be coming after them," he continued, "and we'll pursue them to the ends of the earth, literally."

New Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, in a presentation to the press on the new offensive, said it will be launched in early summer, "to get at them while they're at the height of their activity." It will include air strikes and a missile barrage to "soften targets," followed by a "ground - or ice, I should say - assault," he explained. "We are reserving the right to a 'nuclear option' if necessary, as well. After all, the fate of the world is at stake, and these climactic evil-doers need to know we will not back down," Secretary Gates added.

Asked about possible collateral damage, Gates said, "While our military targeting is the most accurate in the world, a polar bear or two may suffer casualties. That can't be helped. But we are confident that the polar bear population as a whole will greet us as liberators, showering us with snow confetti and giving delicious snowcones to our brave men and women in uniform."