Prez Shocks World: Does Something Good

After seven long years of total incompetence, President George W. Bush has turned the tables and has been recognized for doing something that was not only not inept, not only was not terrible, but was - contrary to all expectations - actually good. He helped South Africa with the AIDS epidemic in a big way, and that country loves him for it.

As his recent visit showed, South Africa was thrilled to have the president visit, waving American flags that, incredibly, were not burning, or even smoldering. Instead of effigies of the president, he was greeted with African women wearing his visage on the backside of their skirts. According to a source who asked to remain anonymous, the president had a good laugh and whispered that he was amazed didn't even have to ask - as he did in his younger days - to get "young women to sit on my face."

Most of the world, including the international press and leaders from various nations, expressed amazement and sheer wonderment that the president didn't screw anything up in this endeavor.

The liberal organization MoveOn, however, issued a press release that said, in part, "While it is on one hand quite heartening to see the president help with such a grave issue as AIDS, in a way it feels like a slap in the face. Just when the entire world had resigned itself to the fact that the leader of the free world was a bumbling idiot and they would have to wait until 2009 for any kind of relief from his destructive and counter-productive policies on all fronts, he does this. Now he has shown us that he was indeed capable all along, yet just felt like screwing with us. In other words, by this action, George Bush is simply thumbing his nose at the world on his way out of office."

In response, press secretary Dana Perino said that, "The president understands the frustration of ultra-liberal terrorist-lovers like MoveOn, but he is not in office to please them. He has had his priorities throughout the last seven years, and they didn't include appeasement of that organization, nor of any other group, or country for that matter. His priority has been to make the USA safe from any form of terrorist threat or propaganda, and by putting the nation on a footing of fear and hair-trigger paranoia, he has achieved a state of readiness like no other president has ever done. And yes, he does enjoy pissing off liberals by stealing the thunder on one of their pet issues."

Besides MoveOn, a few other organizations were less than pleased with his performance in South Africa. Boynarr Sanyika, an African dance instructor with the dance troupe Djembe-L, based in the U.S., expressed dismay at the president's dance moves while visiting the country. "Why? Why oh why subject a country he's trying so hard to impress to moves like that?" he asked, adding, "We could have taught him a few moves in an hour that would have saved him from months of ridicule on YouTube!"

Gonzales Insists Responsibility for Responsibility Not His

WASH., D.C. - Attorney General Roberto Gonzales, facing increasing scrutiny for his role in the firings of US Attorneys under his watch, ostensibly for political reasons, says he is responsible, but "not responsible."

"You must understand," said Gonzales to reporters yesterday, "I accept responsibility, but how can I be responsible for others' irresponsibility?" The Attorney General is renowned for his irrefutable logic in showing how things are really different than any one ever thought - such as his one-word debunking of the Geneva Conventions as "quaint," which were previously considered sacrosanct.

Gonzales explained away his current predicament with equal aplomb, although it took many more words to wiggle himself out of this one. "In other words, to paraphrase the Great One himself," he said, in an apparent reference to Donald Rumsfeld, "there are responsibilities you are responsible for. Then, there are responsibilities that others are responsible for. Finally, there are responsibilities no one knows who is responsible for. I call these the 'irresponsible responsibilities.' I mean, who knew?!"

In taking this tack, Gonzales is following the time-honored "aw shucks" defense, honed through the years by unfairly harassed CEOs and politicians, until to day it is widely accepted that those in charge cannot possibly know what's going on below them. Some pooh-pooh this defense, claiming that to accept this is to accept that there is no accountability for the concept of accountability.

But Gonzales defenders reply by pointing out that there are unaccountable accountabilities, and then there are accountabilities that are unaccountable. Even a third grader, who stole a candy bar but didn't mean to, knows this. Sure, he enjoys the sugary goodness to its fullest, but that candy bar put itself in his pocket, by reason of the "aw shucks" defense. And ultimately, as Gonzales himself might reason, the boy is helping the world by allowing one less cavity-causing delectable to be consumed by some other unsuspecting kid.

Responding to accusations of applying double standards, Gonzales said, "That's patently false. For example, if I refused to do what I told myself to do, I would not hesitate to fire myself."

Still, hard-line prosecutors charge that the attorneys were let go for "following the law," rather than following the "partisan political directives" of those above them. But the Attorney General insists "In reality, they brought it on themselves." Gonzales pointed out that one of the fired attorneys as much as admitted his guilt when he said, "Silly me, I thought I swore an oath to protect the people and the constitution."

Silly indeed, and undeniably "quaint."

Bush to Launch War on Global Warming

WASH., D.C. - The Bush administration announced plans for a new offensive today, a "War on Global Warming." After denying the existence of global warming for years, administration officials have finally capitulated to overwhelming scientific evidence in recent months. Now that they have acknowledged it, they appear to be ready to take forceful, direct action.

"With our great successes in the past, including the War on Drugs, the War on Crime, the War on Teen Pregnancy, the War on Poverty, and the War on the Environment, not to mention our inevitable soon-to-be victory in Iraq, we've decided the time has come to show this 'Global Warming' that we mean business," said President Bush in a Rose Garden press conference yesterday. "Americans will not give up our way of life to appease an enemy, whether it be Al Qaida, the Taliban or new threats like the terror campaigns of the Global Warming," he said, adding, "I am the decider, and I will decide whether or not to turn up the heat, and this Global Warming will soon see that America will not cut our thermostats and run."

Pentagon officials have released intelligence reports showing they believe Global Warming has concentrated its forces in the Arctic and the Antarctic. (The CIA said its own intelligence showed "somewhat different" results.) "No country, or continent, or ice sheet for that matter, can harbor terrorists and get away with it," said Pentagon spokesman Jake Warrington. "We know where they are, and we'll be coming after them," he continued, "and we'll pursue them to the ends of the earth, literally."

New Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, in a presentation to the press on the new offensive, said it will be launched in early summer, "to get at them while they're at the height of their activity." It will include air strikes and a missile barrage to "soften targets," followed by a "ground - or ice, I should say - assault," he explained. "We are reserving the right to a 'nuclear option' if necessary, as well. After all, the fate of the world is at stake, and these climactic evil-doers need to know we will not back down," Secretary Gates added.

Asked about possible collateral damage, Gates said, "While our military targeting is the most accurate in the world, a polar bear or two may suffer casualties. That can't be helped. But we are confident that the polar bear population as a whole will greet us as liberators, showering us with snow confetti and giving delicious snowcones to our brave men and women in uniform."