Republicans Eschew ‘Country First’ Motto

New slogan ‘Failure IS An Option’ a better fit, they say

A Humor Times exclusive report

WASHINGTON, DC – The GOP was forced to retract its “Country First” motto today, first rolled out during Senator John McCain’s presidential campaign last year. Noting that it “contradicts” their current strategy, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) said, “In our effort to come up with a unified plan going forward, we decided to replace the now-irrelevant motto with our new one, ‘Failure IS An Option.’”

“It’s a new day, and a new challenge for the party,” said Boehner, “and we must convey our message to the American people clearly. The new slogan says to America, ‘Yes, we can fail, and it’s ok.’”

The Republican congressman maintained that “failing is the best way to succeed” in this new political climate, insisting that “by failing now, the nation will see that Democrats suck, and that there is no choice but to return to Republican rule, no matter how distasteful it may seem.”

Although painful in the short term, a massive failure by the Obama administration would allow the GOP to “pick up the pieces,” said Rush Limbaugh, the current de facto leader of the party, on his daily radio show. Limbaugh told listeners that Republicans must return “this lost and confused nation” to a “fiscally sound strategy of tax cuts for the rich, and a real, kick-ass stimulus strategy, consisting of a continuous war footing and empire building to put people to work in real careers – not these namby-pamby, eco-terrorist, solar fantasy jobs.”

“It’s time the American people woke up from their unrealistic dreams of ‘hope’ and returned to reality here. Obama is evil, Republicans are good – it’s really that simple,” Limbaugh shouted, adding, “Enough of the charade! Bring it on. Bring on the new depression, that’ll wake these dreamers up!”

Tucker Bounds Spins Obama Victory Into Positive For McCain Campaign

by Humor Times Senior Electoral Dysfunction Correspondent Jonathan Crockett

WASHINGTON - In an interview with CNN's Campbell Brown today, McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds called John McCain's defeat in Tuesday's presidential election a "significant setback" to McCain's bid for the presidency, but ultimately a motivational tool.

"John McCain's recent loss in the presidential election has only served to increase his determination to fight on and win the candidacy for President of the United States," said Bounds. "The senator is known throughout Washington and America as a maverick and he won't let something as trivial as a decisive victory by his opponent and an overwhelming public moratorium against his political views and general ideology stand in his way."

Unwilling to accept Bounds' unapologetic attempt at political spin, Campbell Brown pointed out that Senator McCain failed by wide margins to win both the popular vote and the 270 points needed in the electoral college, thereby rendering his bid for the presidency hopelessly and irrevocably lost.

"We'll leave the political math to the pundits, Campbell," retorted Bounds. "Our internal polling still looks strong and we think we've got a better than average shot at winning this thing. John McCain didn't give up after repeated torture and interrogation during his captivity in Vietnam and he's not about to give up in light of the media writing him off and pronouncing Barack Obama the next President of the United States."

During 45 minutes of probing by Brown, Bounds' increasingly evasive responses ranged from pretending not to hear the questions posed, to at one point answering in what was either Swahili or gibberish. The interview concluded with Campaign aides hurriedly carrying Bounds away after plumes of smoke started emanating from his ears and he began repeating "Does not compute. Syntax error," in a robotic monotone.

Mad McCain Denounces Angry Left

Head nearly explodes as he rants

WASHINGTON, DC – John McCain continued on the offensive today, deriding the "angry left" for being so darn disagreeable. "Those freakin' crybabies, always complaining, foreclosure this or bank failure that - I don't really know what they're talking about, that's not my area of expertise - but the point is, they're always so goddam pissed off!" he yelled, face turning red. "I mean, give me a break, let's talk about what matters - how irate they are!"

Red state voters seem to agree with this new talking point of the Republican ticket, emphasized since the GOP convention in Minneapolis. "Naturally, I'll be voting for McCain," said a visibly agitated Rob Kergan of Bloomington, Indiana, "because those Dems are so #%&$@ angry all the time!"

Known as "McNasty" in high school, McCain has "erupted in foul-languaged tirades at political foes and congressional colleagues more-or-less throughout his career, and his quickness to anger has been an issue on the presidential campaign trail as evidence of his fury has surfaced," according to Nick Juliano in a review on RawStory.com of the book "The Real McCain" by Cliff Schecter, published in May of this year.

But McCain aide Charlie Black countered that, "unlike the angry left, John's anger is righteous. After all, he has to deal with all these shitheads in Congress on a daily basis! I just wish we'd be attacked by terrorists again, that would make John a shoo-in."

Joe McCain, the candidate's brother, speaking at an event today, called Democratic-leaning areas of Northern Virginia "communist country," according to a report in the Washington Post. "And talk about angry," he reportedly added, "those commie pinko Virginians can't say a goddam word without f#%$ing swearing!"

When confronted with his brother's quote, John McCain said, "So what? There they go again, complaining – these elitist community organizers should really just chill out!" Then he boarded his private jet to fly to "one of my other houses, not sure which."

Crazy Preachers Unite to Form New Political Party

Claim God listens only to them

Jeremiah Wright, Barack Obama's former pastor, announced today that a "holy dozen" group of pastors, preachers, rabbis and clerics have joined together to form a new political party called MOPP (Mad Old Preachers Party).

"Oh, they like to call us 'crazy,' alright - yeah, we all wild and up in the nation's face today. The people will be thrilled that we've come to 'MOPP' up the country, cleaning out the unbelievers," exclaimed an excited Rev. Wright, arms flapping about wildly to accentuate his pronouncements. "Make no mistake, this gang of looney old coots will bring America back from the brink of damnation! They will see I’m not the only mad preacher around," he added.

Rev. Wright was flanked by some of the very diverse super-star preachers helping to launch the new party: John Hagee, James Dobson, Pat Robertson, Louis Farrakhan, Mike Huckabee, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Kenneth Copeland, Father Michael Swierzy, Reverend Sun Myung Moon, and the "Screaming Preacher," Jonathan Bell.

John Hagee, a pastor who endorsed John McCain, said, "Do you know the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with a terrorist. Just joking! But seriously, it was that gay parade in New Orleans that brought on Katrina. Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans. And our new party will set the country right with the Lord."

Rod Parsley, spiritual advisor to John McCain, claims he is just the cure for gayness that is needed to prevent future natural disasters. "I'd say this word one time on television and 100,000 homosexuals and lesbians would be instantly set free," he explained, adding, "I did this the other day. Two lesbians were having perverted sex, drinking alcohol, and snorting cocaine. But when I shouted, 'Come out' their glasses burst in their hands and they slithered out of the bed and got gloriously born again and filled with the Holy Ghost. That's when I took them both into the back room and personally showed them the glory of God."

Although some fought his inclusion, Louis Farrakhan said he made a logical addition to the team, since he could deliver a million votes from men and a million more from their obedient wives. He said despite the differences, this group was determined to get a man of God in the White House. "We'll work out the details later," adding, "it may come down to whose God is stronger. One thing for sure, in a world temporarily dominated by the blue-eyed Caucasian devils, God wants a black preacher to be president."

Pat Robertson, head of the Christian Broadcasting Network, former head of the Christian Coalition and former presidential candidate, said, "All this talk of defending America is missing the point. As a candidate, I’d pledge to defend Christians." Saying Christians are under attack from forces as bad as the Nazis, Mr. Robertson continued, "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing ... the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Why I tell ya, it's more terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history."

Mr. Robertson also played down the terrorist threat, pledging instead to work against the "gay threat," saying that left to work its evil, "gaydom will bring about the destruction of the nation. It'll bring about terrorist bombs; it'll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor."

Jesse Jackson said, "I hear that melting-pot stuff a lot, and all I can say is that we haven't melted. We are here today to say, it's up to us preachers to bring the heat."

Rev. Al Sharpton said, "Having a preacher for president would be like sweet honey on the rock, have mercy!"

Reverend Sun Myung Moon, crowned the "King of Peace" by Republicans in a 2004 Washington ceremony, and who financially and editorially supports Republicans via his Washington Times, denounced the United States as "Satan's harvest" and likened American women to "prostitutes." Then, vowing to sweep aside American democracy and individualism as he builds a one-world state, he said, "before my plan to swallow entire America is complete, there will be some individuals who complain inside your stomach. However, they will be digested."

Moon pooh-poohed his tax evasions and long-standing ties to organized crime and international drug smuggling, including South American cocaine traffickers, saying his former daughter-in-law Nansook Hong was lying when she gave first-hand accounts of his money-laundering. "God sent a second Messiah," he explained, "who turned out to be me! All governments will be abolished except my one-world theocracy. America is Satanic. America is so Satanic that even hamburgers should be considered evil, because they come from America."

Father Michael Swierzy, a Catholic priest who recently changed parishes "for no real reason," said a preacher party could win in November, and that "I will personally work to make sex education a priority, and us priests are just the ones to provide it. Preferably just to little boys."

Looking over his flock of preachers with pride, and optimistic of their chances in November, Rev. Jeremiah Wright said, "America is ready for more than change, America is ready for the God Party. I hear the doubters. They say this group can't work together, they say a preacher can't govern, they ramble on about separation of church and state. But I tell you, we're the party of God. It is our time... America's chickens is coming home to roost."

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