NBC to Put Leno and O’Brien on Rotating Schedule

‘We’re the most innovative network in television’ says executive

A Humor Times Special Report

A new twist in the late-night television drama at NBC was announced today, as the network promised a major shakeup with “the whole concept of television scheduling.” Moving Jay Leno to 10 PM “worked so well this year,” say network executives, that they want to continue coming up with bold new ideas. “America is tired of the same ol’ time slots, and they want change. We’re the only network delivering it,” said NBC president Jeff Szucker.

Beginning after the winter Olympics, NBC will put The Tonight Show, now hosted by former late night host Conan O’Brien, on at 10 PM instead of Leno, and put Leno back in his old slot at 11:30 PM. The following week, they plan on moving Leno over to midday, along with the daily soaps, in an effort to expand the show’s fan base.

“After that, we may try Jay in a morning show slot – he’d be a great wake-up show host, with all his energy!” said Michael Bass, Senior Vice President of Strategic Initiatives for the network. “And after that, who knows? We’ve got some great ideas. Maybe we’ll try Conan as a host for one of those paid infomercial slots – he could sell anything!”

While Jay Leno is on during the day, the network said, they’ll probably alternate Jimmy Fallon’s late night show with O’Brien’s, “just to keep things fresh.” “I’m sure the hosts will love it. Great fodder for material. And we don’t mind the occasional joke at our expense, either – it’s all in good fun,” explained Mr. Bass.
The possibilities are endless, say network executives. “With the major networks like ours in decline and competing against all the specialty cable shows, we plan on attempting all kinds of crazy things,” ventured Szucker.

“We could have a show within a show, we could play them backwards, we might even run Leno and O’Brien simultaneously, with a split screen and overlapping synchronized audio, where the hosts trade phrases and sentences on the fly. We’re so innovative, it’s scary!” he said.

Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN to Build Wall on Mexican Border

Says he’s tired of waiting for those ‘damn liberals’ to act

Lou Dobbs announced he was leaving his longtime show in a broadcast that shocked all five of his viewers in November. “I’m proud of my long service here,” said the longest-running anchor on CNN, “and of my tireless devotion to getting the story right -- far right.”

Dobbs said he planned to organize the ragtag group of border watchers calling themselves the Minutemen and begin construction on “a thousand mile wall even Israel would envy.” The maverick TV host is not worried about permits, saying “I’m on the side of Right, and those wetbacks will soon be stuck on the side of Wrong.”

CNN President Jon Klein hailed Dobbs’ “characteristic forthrightness,” and said that “since Lou has decided on his own to carry his banner of advocacy journalism elsewhere, I won’t be needing this,” as he tore up a pink piece of paper. “He was a good man who helped make cable news safe for intolerant dogmatists, and now that he’s gone, I’m going to let our advertisers know it’s safe to come back.”

Unconfirmed reports say that Fox News chairman Roger Ailes has contacted Mr. Dobbs, telling him there is a time slot that “will soon be available,” being vacated by a “certain crybaby.”

Comcast to Offer Optional Porn With All Sporting Events

Pilot project termed ‘very successful’

The Comcast cable empire has launched a new program the company hopes will enhance their swollen profit margin: Optional porn with any sporting event.

A pilot project held in Phoenix, Arizona during the Super Bowl “proved very successful” said Comcast Vice-President of Operations Dan Dickendorf.

“We were very encouraged by the feedback from customers,” explained Dickendorf, “despite a few minor complaints. The cable company’s research, he said, shows that the sports demographic – “mostly men with high testosterone levels” – makes it the “perfect match for this type of value-added programming.”

Comcast says the new option will be available with all sports coverage nationwide within a few weeks, for “a small added fee.” The service will feature five-minute snippets of “tasteful porn” interspersed during each period of play, with an optional ten minutes “Busty Bonus” coverage during half time.

“We expect fully half of viewers to go for the half-time option,” said Dickendorf, “rather than listen to more boring-ass washed-up so-called ‘analysts.’”

“This exciting new feature will be available to customers in much the same way as our ‘On Demand’ is now, making it quite convenient. We hope our viewers find it as stimulating as we do,” said Dickendorf. “We’re stiffening our resolve to penetrate the market with the hottest sports action, doing our best to satisfy our customers.”