Republicans Eschew ‘Country First’ Motto

New slogan ‘Failure IS An Option’ a better fit, they say

A Humor Times exclusive report

WASHINGTON, DC – The GOP was forced to retract its “Country First” motto today, first rolled out during Senator John McCain’s presidential campaign last year. Noting that it “contradicts” their current strategy, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) said, “In our effort to come up with a unified plan going forward, we decided to replace the now-irrelevant motto with our new one, ‘Failure IS An Option.’”

“It’s a new day, and a new challenge for the party,” said Boehner, “and we must convey our message to the American people clearly. The new slogan says to America, ‘Yes, we can fail, and it’s ok.’”

The Republican congressman maintained that “failing is the best way to succeed” in this new political climate, insisting that “by failing now, the nation will see that Democrats suck, and that there is no choice but to return to Republican rule, no matter how distasteful it may seem.”

Although painful in the short term, a massive failure by the Obama administration would allow the GOP to “pick up the pieces,” said Rush Limbaugh, the current de facto leader of the party, on his daily radio show. Limbaugh told listeners that Republicans must return “this lost and confused nation” to a “fiscally sound strategy of tax cuts for the rich, and a real, kick-ass stimulus strategy, consisting of a continuous war footing and empire building to put people to work in real careers – not these namby-pamby, eco-terrorist, solar fantasy jobs.”

“It’s time the American people woke up from their unrealistic dreams of ‘hope’ and returned to reality here. Obama is evil, Republicans are good – it’s really that simple,” Limbaugh shouted, adding, “Enough of the charade! Bring it on. Bring on the new depression, that’ll wake these dreamers up!”

111th Congress: Members to Sport Corporate Logos

NASCAR-like sponsorships intended to help balance budget

WASHINGTON, DC – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced today that the 111th Congress would be “proudly displaying” corporate logos on their suits, and many will even begin wearing special NASCAR-like uniforms to accommodate multiple logos.

“It’s an extraordinary new agreement we’ve managed to work out with corporate America,” said Pelosi. “The people demanded change and transparency, and this accomplishes both, while helping to balance the budget. It’s a win-win for America.”

While the Speaker acknowledged that the arrangement will reward congress members with private royalties as well, she insisted even that was “good news” for America, “as we won’t need to raise our salaries quite as often.”

While the House goes all-out with the new look, many senators say it’s beneath the dignity of their chamber. “The whole thing is absurd,” said Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), “it’s beyond the pale. We should be reducing corporate influence on Congress, not selling out to it even more!”

Despite such objections from a few senators, the majority are donning the new logos. However, most have opted to keep their business suits, simply having logos sewn onto them.

“The Senate is all about tradition,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “and we have opted to stick with the suit and tie. But we want to show we are business friendly, so these stylish patches proved to be the perfect thing.”

Plans are afoot to sell billboard space within the congressional chambers as well, with the prime spots, like the speaker’s podium, fetching the biggest fees. Eventually, the naming rights to the U.S. Capitol will be auctioned off, according to sources who wish to remain anonymous.

Corporations are lining up to start the bidding, with Nike hoping to install a neon “swoosh” on the capitol dome and naming it the “Just Do It Congress,” while Microsoft is placing their bid for a “Windows-on-the-World Congress” and a Microsoft logo lapel pin for all congressmen, replacing “outdated flag pins.”

“Once you get going on this, all kinds of revenue-generating ideas pop up,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), “for example, we could sell ad space in bills, since lobbyists write them anyway, and even provide logo space on the bill covers! The possibilities are endless.”

Reported by the Humor Times Capitol Press Bureau.