Wall Street Firms, Banks Agree: Times Never Better

Calls for another ‘profitable crisis for America’ mount

A Humor Times exclusive

Wall Street and the major banks have joined together to call for another economic crisis, since the recent one “worked so well,” according to sources.

“Our economy has had a miraculous recovery,” said Lloyd Blankchek, CEO of Goldman Sachs in a press conference today, “and our company, along with other heroes of Wall Street, say let’s not mess with success – in these times, any formula that works should be duplicated, if possible.”

Indeed, the crisis and the bailout that followed it resulted in a bonanza year for Goldman Sachs, which in 2009 set aside a record $16.7 billion to pay its workers, or about $700,000 per employee. “And that’s just chump change,” said Blankchek, “with our talent, we can do even better – with the right stimulus.”

Not all companies agreed totally with Blankchek’s strategy, however. Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis said that a “regular, recurring” crisis with accompanying bailouts was the “more secure strategy going forward.”

“What we need is a way to assuage the uncertainty of critical players in the financial marketplace, so as to allow them to do their jobs with more confidence,” said Lewis, “so I propose a regularly scheduled crisis/bailout scenario. It just makes sense for America.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner agreed that some sort of ongoing plan was needed, saying, “Wall Street is America, and we need to provide for its long term survival – after all, how can we ask these heroes to get by without obscenely huge bonuses to motivate them? Besides, I won’t be in this crummy job forever, and when I go through that revolving door – just like any American – I want some job security.”

Obama: U.S. Too Big to Fail

Reassures “nattering nabobs of negativity”

CHICAGO, IL - With the U.S. economy seemingly disintegrating right before our eyes, President-elect Barack Obama is anxious to get his new team to work on the problem. Obama has selected the “best and the brightest,” many of whom have served under Clinton in the past and have been “intimately involved” in riding the economy “to hell in a handbasket” as one aide put it, who wished to remain anonymous.

“Neither bankruptcy nor forced reorganization is the right prescription for these troubled mega-corporations,” said Tim Geithner, Obama’s pick for Treasury Secretary, adding, “they need our help to maintain their way of life.”

“Now, we’ve asked that the auto companies come up with a plan to save themselves,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D‑NV, “we’re not just going to hand over 35 billion dollars with no plan, that’s crazy talk.” Asked about bank bailouts, he said, “As far as Citibank goes, we’re ready to dump another 300 billion on them right now.”

Pressed for details, Reid was brief. “Citibank already has a plan, and we’re satisfied with it,” he said. According to a top Citibank executive, that plan consists of layoffs, incantations, strident pleas and throwing themselves on the kind mercies of Hank Paulson.

Even after accepting hundreds of billions in bailout funds, Citibank and other banks still hold hundreds of billions in toxic paper. “No problem,” said Geithner, “we’ve got new technologies for cleaning up toxic waste – did you know that certain forms of bacteria can eat that stuff and produce clean water? Amazing.”

However, despite Geithner’s upbeat appraisal of the situation, many top economists are forecasting gloom and doom. “Things are not looking good,” said two-time Nobel-prize winner and former chief economist of the World Bank, Joseph Stiglitz, adding, “if we don’t empty our wallets right now for these poor CEOs, bankers and speculators, we’re all toast.”

But Obama continued to insist that there is hope. “We must remain optimistic, as we look to the future and work together to build trust once again,” he said, toting a duffle bag as he walked out of his own bank, after withdrawing everything he had in it. “I’m confident we can turn it around, after all, the U.S. is simply too big to fail. I’m sure the Chinese feel the same way, and they have the added incentive of needing to keep their biggest asset – us – afloat.”

Paulson Details Plan to Rescue Billionaires

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson today reassured nervous rich people that they will not be forced to endure under-$1000-a-bottle wine, smaller yachts or fewer mansions, saying, “As I told Congress, with my new financial dictatorial powers, I will do all I can to make sure we use this money wisely, and eliminate any undue suffering by billionaires, the most vulnerable segment in America. After all, hard-working CEOs, investment bankers and the just plain filthy rich are the backbone of our economy, and if we can save them, we can save America.”

At the press conference, held just after the bailout package was approved, Paulson explained that “billionaires are the most vulnerable precisely because they have the most to lose” and that poor people will basically just stay poor no matter what. “Imagine this country without our billionaires – how could we call ourselves great?” he added.

Asked what he plans to do to help the middle class, Paulson answered, “What are they expecting? We’re not a socialist country, after all. Now if Joe Sixpack owned, say, a boatload of mortgage-backed securities – well, we would work to help him keep that boat afloat. But if he just squandered a few thousand bucks in some bad investments, well, welcome to the school of hard knocks. We’re not running a charity here.”

Paulson did assure reporters that the administration has compassion for the middle class, however, saying, “We have confidence in the American people, that they are resourceful and hard-working, and they will be fine. The best way to help them is to let them help themselves. We don’t need to coddle them – the press shouldn’t underestimate them, either.”

Paulson then introduced the man tapped to oversee spending for the $700 billion financial rescue plan, Neel Kashkari, the 35-year-old assistant Treasury secretary for international affairs. He worked under Paulson before, at Goldman Sachs, a leading global investment banking and securities firm.

Kashkari said that, “As a relative outsider to the financial industry, I hope to bring a fresh perspective.” Asked whether the Treasury would ignore the middle class, Kashkari said, “It’s not true that hard-working Americans will not benefit from this bailout. By giving all the money to the billionaire bankers who caused the problem, we are sternly telling them in no uncertain terms: ‘You made this mess and now you have to clean it up!’ This is part of our tough love policy – and the results will trickle down to the middle class.”

Billionaires have already been reporting some relief, and promised to in fact relieve themselves further by “trickling down” on the public. But they warn that they may need much more money than previously requested. “If you give me $100 billion more today, I will gladly pay it back Tuesday,” said one, while munching on a gourmet buffalo burger with real gold flakes instead of sesame seeds on the bun.

Meanwhile, since the bailout was passed, public mood seems to be improving, with polls showing 57% are happy to go further in debt to boost billionaires’ bank accounts, 32% saying multi-millionaires should get some too, and 11% saying why not just burn the cash in lieu of heating oil this winter.

In related news, the Fed has reported that they are printing so much money that the Department of Energy is indeed working with them in a pilot project to use it for heating fuel in low rent areas of major cities this winter.

Subprime Lender Reduced to Lending to Homeless for Cardboard Box Homes

A major subprime lender, Loans4You, which was not quite major enough to get a bailout from the government like Baer Sterns did, has "found new life" making loans to homeless people for cardboard boxes to sleep in.

"Sure, it doesn't sound so good at first," said company spokesman Joseph R. Canterwaller, "but consider that we are helping the very people affected by the subprime crisis. Many of these folks became homeless as a result of our bad loans, so we feel an obligation to respond to their needs." He also pointed out that many lesser subprime lenders have gone under completely, and that as survivors, the company is "helping to bolster the economy by staying afloat."

"We provide entry-level loans for new box-owners, and our cardboard homes are made from the toughest refrigerator cartons available. We specifically tailor our loans to the needs of our customers, even covering two or three-room shelters," Mr. Canterwaller said.

Answering critics who say such companies make risky loans, the Loans4You spokesman said, "These loans are rock solid. We've done background checks on all our customers, which is something we never did before, as you know. While we know they don't have jobs, we still require that applicants be resourceful, hard workers. Most engage their entire family, from toddlers to spouses, in such gainful employment as dumpster diving, restaurant backdoor begging, street panhandling and the like."

Others in the loan industry see this as a positive development as well. Steven Stackhouse of payday lenders Cash and Carry, Inc. told this reporter, "These loans can be packaged and sold to brokering houses, who package them with other groups of loans, resell them, and so on - creating wealth all along the chain. This could revive the entire economy!" When asked if this wasn't the cause of the crisis in the first place, Stackhouse replied, "Doesn't matter. It's all cyclical. If we can prop up the economy for another ten years, by then who knows what will come along? Perhaps a dotcom boom!"