Tucker Bounds Spins Obama Victory Into Positive For McCain Campaign

by Humor Times Senior Electoral Dysfunction Correspondent Jonathan Crockett

WASHINGTON - In an interview with CNN's Campbell Brown today, McCain campaign spokesman Tucker Bounds called John McCain's defeat in Tuesday's presidential election a "significant setback" to McCain's bid for the presidency, but ultimately a motivational tool.

"John McCain's recent loss in the presidential election has only served to increase his determination to fight on and win the candidacy for President of the United States," said Bounds. "The senator is known throughout Washington and America as a maverick and he won't let something as trivial as a decisive victory by his opponent and an overwhelming public moratorium against his political views and general ideology stand in his way."

Unwilling to accept Bounds' unapologetic attempt at political spin, Campbell Brown pointed out that Senator McCain failed by wide margins to win both the popular vote and the 270 points needed in the electoral college, thereby rendering his bid for the presidency hopelessly and irrevocably lost.

"We'll leave the political math to the pundits, Campbell," retorted Bounds. "Our internal polling still looks strong and we think we've got a better than average shot at winning this thing. John McCain didn't give up after repeated torture and interrogation during his captivity in Vietnam and he's not about to give up in light of the media writing him off and pronouncing Barack Obama the next President of the United States."

During 45 minutes of probing by Brown, Bounds' increasingly evasive responses ranged from pretending not to hear the questions posed, to at one point answering in what was either Swahili or gibberish. The interview concluded with Campaign aides hurriedly carrying Bounds away after plumes of smoke started emanating from his ears and he began repeating "Does not compute. Syntax error," in a robotic monotone.

Mad McCain Denounces Angry Left

Head nearly explodes as he rants

WASHINGTON, DC – John McCain continued on the offensive today, deriding the "angry left" for being so darn disagreeable. "Those freakin' crybabies, always complaining, foreclosure this or bank failure that - I don't really know what they're talking about, that's not my area of expertise - but the point is, they're always so goddam pissed off!" he yelled, face turning red. "I mean, give me a break, let's talk about what matters - how irate they are!"

Red state voters seem to agree with this new talking point of the Republican ticket, emphasized since the GOP convention in Minneapolis. "Naturally, I'll be voting for McCain," said a visibly agitated Rob Kergan of Bloomington, Indiana, "because those Dems are so #%&$@ angry all the time!"

Known as "McNasty" in high school, McCain has "erupted in foul-languaged tirades at political foes and congressional colleagues more-or-less throughout his career, and his quickness to anger has been an issue on the presidential campaign trail as evidence of his fury has surfaced," according to Nick Juliano in a review on RawStory.com of the book "The Real McCain" by Cliff Schecter, published in May of this year.

But McCain aide Charlie Black countered that, "unlike the angry left, John's anger is righteous. After all, he has to deal with all these shitheads in Congress on a daily basis! I just wish we'd be attacked by terrorists again, that would make John a shoo-in."

Joe McCain, the candidate's brother, speaking at an event today, called Democratic-leaning areas of Northern Virginia "communist country," according to a report in the Washington Post. "And talk about angry," he reportedly added, "those commie pinko Virginians can't say a goddam word without f#%$ing swearing!"

When confronted with his brother's quote, John McCain said, "So what? There they go again, complaining – these elitist community organizers should really just chill out!" Then he boarded his private jet to fly to "one of my other houses, not sure which."

Palin Heals the Sick, Raises GOP from the Dead

Says she’s ready to bring peace & prosperity to world

WASILLA, AK – Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who many Republicans hail as the second coming of the Virgin Mary, sans the virgin part, says she is “ready to lead America into the promised land” and usher in the “1,000 year era of peace and prosperity promised in the Bible,” as vice-president.

“The Lord has anointed me, and I humbly accept my new role,” she said in a rare press conference. Since the GOP convention in early August, Palin has been in near-isolation from the press, as she undergoes what her handlers termed “brainwashing – in the sense that she had an unclean brain. You know, she’s a pretty wild gal underneath.”

Empowered by her triumphant speech at the convention, Palin seemed inspired, saying, “This is a mission from God, and like the Blues Brothers, I will see it through to fruition, no matter what the evil Democrat party throws at me – tomatoes, beer bottles, it don’t matter – they can’t touch this.”

Senator John McCain stood at her side during the announcement, saying afterwards that he was “very proud” and ready to carry out his part of the “divine mission” by getting into the White House, “and after that, well, the Lord works in mysterious ways, my friends.”

Palin did not answer questions after her prepared remarks, but did heal several cripples with her steely gaze, before being ushered off the stage by her staff. When McCain was asked why she won’t face reporters, he answered, “If you believe, all you need to know was in her statement. For the unbelievers, only time, and perhaps Armageddon, will convince them.”

Palin did touch on a wide range of issues in her statement, saying that her daughter’s pregnancy is “proof that abstinence-only education works – after all, she’s almost 18,” and that while some say she exercised “choice” in deciding to carry the baby, it was actually “the will of God, like the war.”

On education, Palin said “our libraries are wonderful storehouses of knowledge, and as vice-president, I will work to cleanse them of heretical books, insuring that our children will not have to waste time sorting out the truth.” She called books on evolution “the lies of the devil Darwin” and said the shelf space left by their removal would be filled with bibles under a McCain-Palin administration.

Palin touched on her “reign as governor” in Alaska, saying that “although it never seceded from the U.S. as we in the Alaska Independence Party had hoped,” she, like all Republicans, always put her country first. “And that country would have been named ‘Divine Alaska,’” she added.

She ended her statement forcefully, saying, “The looney left has had their opportunity these last two years in Congress – and look where it has gotten us. We’re tired of filibustering. Vetoing isn’t good enough. No more. It’s time for us to take back this country – we shall not be led astray, not if this beauty-pageant moose-hunting hockey mom has anything to say about it!”

Defeating Wasp Army Living In Pillows Top Issue Among Schizophrenic Voters

By Humor Times Senior Schizophrenic Correspondent Jonathan Crockett

A survey released today by the Getty Research Institute found that schizophrenic voters are most concerned about a growing army of incessantly buzzing wasps which inhabit their pillows at night. Defeating this insect army and finally getting a good night’s sleep has become the key issue on which these voters are concentrating.

“The finding did come as a bit of a surprise,” said Getty Research analyst Jim Paulson. “The wasp army has surpassed several hot button issues which previously typified schizophrenic concerns- topics which included the government’s nefarious monitoring of thoughts via microwave ovens, the amplified voice of Ed McMahon encouraging murder played on a continuous loop throughout the house, and disembodied tongue syndrome.”

Aside from the immediate inconvenience of interrupted sleep, there is a growing fear among many schizophrenics that the wasp army will eventually break free of their billowy confines, infiltrate the ear canal and create a brain nest from which they will control their host’s every action while creating a cacophony of buzzing through which no other sound can penetrate.

“Once they’ve reached the brain, all bets are off,” stated Nancy Turbin, a schizophrenic who participated in the survey. “My concerns about radio active soda cans and razor sharp grass blades have by no means disappeared but the wasp army is a much more pressing issue. How can we possibly maintain enough energy to thwart the mailman’s attempts at mind control if our sleep is constantly being interrupted by stings to the face? Schizophrenics need a candidate who is serious about solving this problem.”

Heeding the call of voters like Mrs.Turbin, both Barak Obama and John McCain have started to court the nearly 2.5 million strong schizophrenic demographic. The two have vastly differing opinions on how to deal with the rouge army. Obama has so far not ruled out diplomacy, stating he’d be willing to have talks on a conditional basis with the wasps’ leaders. This plan has drawn fire by the McCain camp which supports increased sanctions and possible military/bug spray intervention.

Senator McCain suffered harsh criticism on this issue earlier in the week when a senior advisor called the wasp army “an invasion of the mind” and suggested that schizophrenics are “whiners.” McCain quickly condemned the remarks and stated he did not share or condone his advisor’s views.

Despite this setback, McCain is holding a slight lead over Obama among schizophrenic voters. A recent AP Gallop poll found 38% of schizophrenics felt Senator McCain was best equiped to deal with the wasp army, while 32% favored Obama and a surprising 30% sided with an invisible closet angel.

“McCain has military experience and a proven track record in similar situations,” said Tim Leskin, a long time schizophrenic and McCain supporter. “We all remember the leadership he displayed during the gamma-ray-shooting-television incident of ’92 and the sunflower invasion of ’03.”

Other core issues among schizophrenic voters in 2008 include: air conditioners spewing scentless poisonous gases; melting of the teeth; electrified toenails; and the spying neighbor across the street who can see through walls.