NBC to Put Leno and O’Brien on Rotating Schedule

‘We’re the most innovative network in television’ says executive

A Humor Times Special Report

A new twist in the late-night television drama at NBC was announced today, as the network promised a major shakeup with “the whole concept of television scheduling.” Moving Jay Leno to 10 PM “worked so well this year,” say network executives, that they want to continue coming up with bold new ideas. “America is tired of the same ol’ time slots, and they want change. We’re the only network delivering it,” said NBC president Jeff Szucker.

Beginning after the winter Olympics, NBC will put The Tonight Show, now hosted by former late night host Conan O’Brien, on at 10 PM instead of Leno, and put Leno back in his old slot at 11:30 PM. The following week, they plan on moving Leno over to midday, along with the daily soaps, in an effort to expand the show’s fan base.

“After that, we may try Jay in a morning show slot – he’d be a great wake-up show host, with all his energy!” said Michael Bass, Senior Vice President of Strategic Initiatives for the network. “And after that, who knows? We’ve got some great ideas. Maybe we’ll try Conan as a host for one of those paid infomercial slots – he could sell anything!”

While Jay Leno is on during the day, the network said, they’ll probably alternate Jimmy Fallon’s late night show with O’Brien’s, “just to keep things fresh.” “I’m sure the hosts will love it. Great fodder for material. And we don’t mind the occasional joke at our expense, either – it’s all in good fun,” explained Mr. Bass.
The possibilities are endless, say network executives. “With the major networks like ours in decline and competing against all the specialty cable shows, we plan on attempting all kinds of crazy things,” ventured Szucker.

“We could have a show within a show, we could play them backwards, we might even run Leno and O’Brien simultaneously, with a split screen and overlapping synchronized audio, where the hosts trade phrases and sentences on the fly. We’re so innovative, it’s scary!” he said.

McGwire Admits He Would’ve Hit More Homers Without Steroids

Says he took them for health and just to be ‘one of the guys’

A Humor Times exclusive

In a public admission recently, Mark McGwire finally came clean on his steroid use, which included the 1998 season, when he hit a record at the time of 70 home runs. But today, he stunned sports reporters and fans alike by candidly admitting it had actually lowered his home run production.

“I always knew this day would come, but I didn’t know when. Eventually, I knew I’d have to get this huge burden off my back,” said a sometimes tearful McGwire. “It’s time I was truthful with America and with myself: I took steroids and I’m sorry. I disappointed so many fans who expected more out of me.”

In an interview, McGwire said the steroids did not help him hit more home runs. On the contrary, he said, it “obviously slowed me down.” “The bulging muscles were fun for showing off to the ladies, but they just got in the way when I was trying to hit” he offered, adding, “I’m sure I would’ve gone way past what Barry Bonds did if I’d just stayed clean.”

McGwire maintained that he only took steroids for health issues and to be “one of the guys” – “Everyone was doing it, at least everyone I hung out with, and I just wanted to fit in. How could I know?” he asked, quietly beginning to sob.

“Man, I miss those times, though,” he mused. “The season that I set the home run record – it went by in a haze. All the press attention, the adoring crowds, the ’roid rage – I felt like a king! But it didn’t help me hit home runs, nope... not at all.”

“I was such a great hitter, I think that baseball should overlook the steroid use in my case, since it only slowed me down. I should be in the hall of fame,” McGwire insisted. “And I’ll make it easy on major league baseball by not even mentioning my use of speed, cocaine and the occasional PCP and ecstasy binges.”

Wall Street Firms, Banks Agree: Times Never Better

Calls for another ‘profitable crisis for America’ mount

A Humor Times exclusive

Wall Street and the major banks have joined together to call for another economic crisis, since the recent one “worked so well,” according to sources.

“Our economy has had a miraculous recovery,” said Lloyd Blankchek, CEO of Goldman Sachs in a press conference today, “and our company, along with other heroes of Wall Street, say let’s not mess with success – in these times, any formula that works should be duplicated, if possible.”

Indeed, the crisis and the bailout that followed it resulted in a bonanza year for Goldman Sachs, which in 2009 set aside a record $16.7 billion to pay its workers, or about $700,000 per employee. “And that’s just chump change,” said Blankchek, “with our talent, we can do even better – with the right stimulus.”

Not all companies agreed totally with Blankchek’s strategy, however. Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis said that a “regular, recurring” crisis with accompanying bailouts was the “more secure strategy going forward.”

“What we need is a way to assuage the uncertainty of critical players in the financial marketplace, so as to allow them to do their jobs with more confidence,” said Lewis, “so I propose a regularly scheduled crisis/bailout scenario. It just makes sense for America.”

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner agreed that some sort of ongoing plan was needed, saying, “Wall Street is America, and we need to provide for its long term survival – after all, how can we ask these heroes to get by without obscenely huge bonuses to motivate them? Besides, I won’t be in this crummy job forever, and when I go through that revolving door – just like any American – I want some job security.”

Lou Dobbs Leaves CNN to Build Wall on Mexican Border

Says he’s tired of waiting for those ‘damn liberals’ to act

Lou Dobbs announced he was leaving his longtime show in a broadcast that shocked all five of his viewers in November. “I’m proud of my long service here,” said the longest-running anchor on CNN, “and of my tireless devotion to getting the story right -- far right.”

Dobbs said he planned to organize the ragtag group of border watchers calling themselves the Minutemen and begin construction on “a thousand mile wall even Israel would envy.” The maverick TV host is not worried about permits, saying “I’m on the side of Right, and those wetbacks will soon be stuck on the side of Wrong.”

CNN President Jon Klein hailed Dobbs’ “characteristic forthrightness,” and said that “since Lou has decided on his own to carry his banner of advocacy journalism elsewhere, I won’t be needing this,” as he tore up a pink piece of paper. “He was a good man who helped make cable news safe for intolerant dogmatists, and now that he’s gone, I’m going to let our advertisers know it’s safe to come back.”

Unconfirmed reports say that Fox News chairman Roger Ailes has contacted Mr. Dobbs, telling him there is a time slot that “will soon be available,” being vacated by a “certain crybaby.”

Obama Signs Bipartisan Health & Economy Omnibus Bill

Super bill aims to solve all problems by requiring Americans to spend like never before

A Humor Times exclusive

WASHINGTON DC – President Obama signed historic legislation today that he said will “help us pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps.” This was one big spending bill that even Republicans could get behind, because the spending will not be done by the government.

“Once we had decided to force Americans to pay for bloated health insurance premiums, we said, why stop there?” explained Senate Republican Mitch McConnell. “So we’re stimulating the economy without hurting the vulnerable among us, including bankers. It’s a win-win.”

Indeed, the bill forces all Americans to buy not only health insurance, but one each of the following American-built items, whether or not they already own them: a new car, a hi-definition TV, 42" or larger, and a HD package to go with it, a new cell phone and wireless plan, a home (condominiums ok), a major appliance (stove, refrigerator, etc), at least one piece of furniture and a plane flight or flights adding up to a minimum of 1,000 miles – all within two years. All citizens will also be required to spend at least $1,000 on holiday gifts this season, whether or not they celebrate Christmas.

“We will also encourage folks to open new credit card accounts, to help pay for it all,” said Senator Max Baucus (D-MT), “and the bill mandates that credit card companies allow anyone to open one. We realized, of course, that we couldn’t rightfully set any limit on interest rates them – after all, banks have already been through so much trauma, what with the credit crash and the stress of waiting to see whether we’d bail them out or not.”

While consumer groups have cried foul, saying it’s not fair to force people to buy poorly made American goods and go into deeper debt, Baucus says it’s all been dealt with in the bill.

“As the great President John F. Kennedy once said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country,’” he explained, “so these folks need to stop whining and step up to the plate. Besides, we’ve thought of the problem of some lazy unemployeds not paying their bills – we’ll be building debtor’s prisons, which will also stimulate our prison industrial complex, one of America’s greatest assets!”

Palin's Latest Shocker: Hosting New Talk Show

Ex-governor given slot opposite Leno, before Letterman on CBS

A Humor Times Exclusive

Former Alaskan Governor and Vice-Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin stunned pundits and fans alike in July when she announced her resignation, but has topped that with a real zinger today. Speculation flew for weeks as to hidden motives for the seemingly bizarre move to resign, yet no one could guess at what has now been revealed.

At a press conference held on a hunting trip in Alaska, Ms. Palin told invited reporters that she has agreed to host a new talk show, slated to begin next fall. The show, tentatively titled "Railin' Palin," will feature the ex-governor "railing" on the issues, and will compete directly with Jay Leno's new spot on NBC, even debuting the same week.

While Mr. Leno will continue to broadcast from his longtime studio in Burbank, Calif., Ms. Palin's show is expected to be based in Houston, Texas. "We considered having the show in New York, like Letterman, but that is not where Sarah's strongest base of support is," said the show's producer, William Stuckle.

And while Leno is expected to retain many of the most popular elements of his "Tonight Show," including bits like "Headlines" and "Jay Walking," some segments being planned for "Railin' Palin" are: "Palinspeak," wherein viewers will be treated to her latest inventive turns of phrase and "That Darn Elite Press," a humorous segment that "will provide a platform for "poking a little light-hearted fun at that lying, conniving, elitist press."

During her press conference, Ms. Palin revealed one other segment planned for the show. In between pot shots taken at exhausted wolves chased for miles by her hired helicopter, she said, "Of course, I'll be cracking jokes at Mr. Letterbub's expense every night - let's see how he likes it." Asked to give a hint of the nature of the jokes, Palin responded, "I'll say things like his six year old son has gotten little girls pregnant - you know, funny stuff like that."

"Of course, the liberal press likes to pile on and saying now that I'm a quitter. They just don't understand. They got the wrong girl - we Alaskans are born fighters, not quitters! All I did was swap my governor gloves for talk show gloves. I'm still punchin'," barked a visibly agitated Palin, firing shots all the while. "Like a guard in basketball, *POW* I'll bob and weave through that axis of evil press *BAM* by using their own TV against 'em *CRACK* and punching their lights out!" she continued, shouting over the gunshots and the drone of the chopper. "And I'm like, ok, God, *KABLAM* if you open this door for me - and this is what I always pray *KERPOW* - I'm like, I'm running through it. So, whether president or talk show host, *BAM* just give me a sign. And the good Lord has given me this sign." *POW*

She went on, saying, "Since that ol' Department of Law there in the White House refuses to prosecute Mr. Lesserman for his libels on my daughters, I'll just be my maverick self and use my own motherly instincts to protect them, by using Letterdude's own tactics right back at him. I'm looking forward to it - you betcha!"

Republicans Not Interested in 'Popularity Contest'

Say appealing to the masses is undignified


Rep. Bachmann: What’s so great about popularity?
A Humor Times special report

Faced with declining popularity in the polls and accused of turning their backs on moderate elements within their party, top Republicans say their motivations are pure and beyond reproach. "We're not trying to win a popularity contest here, we're standing up for principal," said Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-MN.

When asked if getting elected isn't basically a popularity contest, Bachmann replied, "Most congress members should be impeached anyway. Newspapers should be investigating anti-American sentiment in Congress."

Bachmann insists that contrary to her public image, she does have a heart, and that someone has
to help the downtrodden and unfairly prosecuted CEOs, because "We're running out of rich
people in this country." She accused Obama of only thinking of the "suddenly in vogue middle
class," always touting his "elitist economic recovery act."

"We know, for example, that the Republican National Congress resolution telling Democrats they should agree to rename themselves the 'Democrat Socialist Party' would be seen as a sophomoric stunt and make us look all the more ridiculous, but we just don't care anymore," she said.

Other top Republicans agree that the party must stick to its principles. For example, they're not likely to give up their hard-line stance on gay marriage. "Isn't that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?" asked Sen. Rick Santorum, (R-PA).

Another unpopular practice they continue to defend is torture. "Torture is a despicable practice, and most Americans think so, but since we're pure and not swayed by public opinion, we continue to send Lord Vader, er, I mean, Dick Cheney out there to defend it," said Santorum. "Now that sure ain't gonna win us no popularity contests, but just call us dreamers, I guess."

Texas Gov. Rick Perry chimed in, adding, "Who needs a majority in the country anyway? We here in Texas are our own majority, and if we have to secede from the union to prove it, we will!"

Republican stalwart talking head Ann Coulter proclaimed that "Democrats are wimps and Republicans need to stay strong to save the country. I'm more of a man than any liberal." Regarding Obama's middle east foreign policy, which she called "traitorous," her advice is to simplify. "Invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity," she said.

[The links in this article go to the source for these actual quotes!]

Comcast to Offer Optional Porn With All Sporting Events

Pilot project termed ‘very successful’

The Comcast cable empire has launched a new program the company hopes will enhance their swollen profit margin: Optional porn with any sporting event.

A pilot project held in Phoenix, Arizona during the Super Bowl “proved very successful” said Comcast Vice-President of Operations Dan Dickendorf.

“We were very encouraged by the feedback from customers,” explained Dickendorf, “despite a few minor complaints. The cable company’s research, he said, shows that the sports demographic – “mostly men with high testosterone levels” – makes it the “perfect match for this type of value-added programming.”

Comcast says the new option will be available with all sports coverage nationwide within a few weeks, for “a small added fee.” The service will feature five-minute snippets of “tasteful porn” interspersed during each period of play, with an optional ten minutes “Busty Bonus” coverage during half time.

“We expect fully half of viewers to go for the half-time option,” said Dickendorf, “rather than listen to more boring-ass washed-up so-called ‘analysts.’”

“This exciting new feature will be available to customers in much the same way as our ‘On Demand’ is now, making it quite convenient. We hope our viewers find it as stimulating as we do,” said Dickendorf. “We’re stiffening our resolve to penetrate the market with the hottest sports action, doing our best to satisfy our customers.”

Phelps Holds Little Known Bonging Gold

High school award ‘proudest moment until Beijing’

The recent revelation that Michael Phelps, winner of an Olympic record eight gold medals in last year’s games, was photographed smoking a bong in November has led to an investigation that revealed even more: Michael Phelps won the Gold Medal of his senior class’ unofficial Olympic Bonging competition in high school.

In fact, say his old classmates, Phelps was famous in Maryland’s Towson High School for going to school stoned every day. “He never went to college, and I think I know why. All he ever wanted to do was swim and get high,” said his former high school buddy, “Slammin’” Sam Forester.

“Yeah, we had what we called an ‘Olympic Bonging competition’ back in the day, and in his Senior year, Phelps blew the rest of the field away,” added Forester. “He inhaled 57 straight bong hits, a record that still stands to this day, and those were monster bong hits, no sissy little puffs. I guess his lung capacity has always been huge.”

Phelps even credits his high school partying days with helping him along with his chosen career. “I’m very sorry to have disappointed my fans,” said Mr. Phelps in a recent press conference, “but, truth be told, those competitions strengthened my lungs. They were tough! I mean, without that rigorous training, I doubt I ever would have won all those swimming medals.”

His high school swimming coach, Tom Ruxton, weighed in, saying, “Now I know where he got that appetite! Come to think of it, his voracious ‘munchies’ are what gave him the fuel to excel at swimming, so I suppose you could say Phelps’ pot habit may have been what propelled him to the top of the swimming world.”
After considering his own words for a moment, Ruxton added, “In that respect, I guess pot got him high in more ways than one.”

Phelps promised he would never do it again. He also promised he’ll never drink, utter profanities, have public sex in the park, rob banks, flash random people on Main Street, rob homeowners with subprime mortgage scams or offer Senate seats for sale, should he ever become governor.

Reported by Humor Times Green Correspondent, Jason Puffer.

111th Congress: Members to Sport Corporate Logos

NASCAR-like sponsorships intended to help balance budget

WASHINGTON, DC – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced today that the 111th Congress would be “proudly displaying” corporate logos on their suits, and many will even begin wearing special NASCAR-like uniforms to accommodate multiple logos.

“It’s an extraordinary new agreement we’ve managed to work out with corporate America,” said Pelosi. “The people demanded change and transparency, and this accomplishes both, while helping to balance the budget. It’s a win-win for America.”

While the Speaker acknowledged that the arrangement will reward congress members with private royalties as well, she insisted even that was “good news” for America, “as we won’t need to raise our salaries quite as often.”

While the House goes all-out with the new look, many senators say it’s beneath the dignity of their chamber. “The whole thing is absurd,” said Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), “it’s beyond the pale. We should be reducing corporate influence on Congress, not selling out to it even more!”

Despite such objections from a few senators, the majority are donning the new logos. However, most have opted to keep their business suits, simply having logos sewn onto them.

“The Senate is all about tradition,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “and we have opted to stick with the suit and tie. But we want to show we are business friendly, so these stylish patches proved to be the perfect thing.”

Plans are afoot to sell billboard space within the congressional chambers as well, with the prime spots, like the speaker’s podium, fetching the biggest fees. Eventually, the naming rights to the U.S. Capitol will be auctioned off, according to sources who wish to remain anonymous.

Corporations are lining up to start the bidding, with Nike hoping to install a neon “swoosh” on the capitol dome and naming it the “Just Do It Congress,” while Microsoft is placing their bid for a “Windows-on-the-World Congress” and a Microsoft logo lapel pin for all congressmen, replacing “outdated flag pins.”

“Once you get going on this, all kinds of revenue-generating ideas pop up,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), “for example, we could sell ad space in bills, since lobbyists write them anyway, and even provide logo space on the bill covers! The possibilities are endless.”

Reported by the Humor Times Capitol Press Bureau.

Final Interview: Bush Waxes Nostalgic

‘I’m so proud of my accomplishness,’ he says

A Humor Times Special Report

WASHINGTON, DC – Winding up a month-long whirlwind tour of press interviews designed to burnish his legacy, now-former President George W. Bush seemed visibly emotional recalling his years in the White House in a session with Bill Moyers, to air soon on PBS.

“I want to thank the American people,” he says during the show, “for supporting me so unanimously, right up to the end.” When Mr. Moyers pointed out that his approval ratings have been among the lowest in history for sitting presidents, Bush replied, “Yes, and that is so thoughtful, trying to keep me humble like that, so I would continue to work hard. And it is hard work. I worked hard every day.”

Moyers’ questions were wide-ranging, as the host probed Mr. Bush on topics ranging from the 9/11 to the Iraq War to Katrina and the economy.

“As for economistic matters, I think I was able to save the country from the worst of it. You know, that Clinton really made a mess of things,” said Bush. “And as for Katrina, we did a heck of a job, as you know, flooding the area with relief.”

Despite Moyers’ attempts to get Bush to admit to some mistakes, the ex-president was upbeat. “My style is not one to wallow in the past,” he said, “and history may misunderestimate me, but reading is not my thing, so I doubt I’ll even see it.”

Towards the end of the interview, Mr. Bush began to show some emotion, and close-ups even reveal a tear at one point, which he quickly brushed away. “It’s just so great to be the decider-in-chief of the world’s greatest country, and to make great history the way I did. I know I’ll be remembered for generations, because everyone says there’s never been a president like me.”

Joe the Plumber Reports: Understanding the Israel-Palestine Conflict

Exclusive to the Humor Times

TEL AVIV – As you probably know, I, Joe the Plumber, decided to go to Israel to find out the Truth that the media will not say. This is big news, and I’m happy to report that the networks continue to report on my reporting, and that’s great, because they’re reporting some real news for once. It feels good to be in the news again, because I’m comfortable there, and that’s why I decided to get into this here so-called “news” so-called “business.”

Anyway, after a very long flight (who knew the Atlantic Ocean was so huge? Isn’t it the small one?), I landed in Tel Aviv, and immediately set to work to dig out the Truth. Well, first I got a room. Very nice, for such a backward country. And the people are darned nice too, but they don’t speak very good English. I don’t think a plumber could find much work around here either, I’m guessing they draw all their water from wells.

So, once I was settled in and took a much-needed nap, I decided to get a feel for the country. I walked around, and figured the best way to get to know a culture is by eating there. So, I dropped into a little place and they gave me something called a “falafel” and asked me if I wanted to hum “Us,” but I didn’t know the tune, so I just said, “give me some of that stuff you’re holding,” and it was this nice creamy, light-tan-colored stuff, which was yummy.

So, although I didn’t find any burgers and fries, I did manage to fuel up for the task at hand. And now, boy, am I excited to get at the Truth for my faithful American readers.

I decided to just approach people on the street, and ask them what they think. With a bunch of other reporters there, all pointing their cameras at me, it was a little hard to get any natives to talk into my microphone. But finally, I stop one, and he says “What are you doing, you crazy American?! You run up and stick something in my face? Don’t you know how dangerous it is around here?!!” Then he turned and walked off in a huff. Sheesh! Kinda sensitive around here, I guess. But I did learn one thing – they are apparently very edgy in Israel. I’ll have to be more careful.

So the next time, I manage to lose the crowd of reporters, and I sneak up on a couple of young women, so as not to scare them. But they must’ve seen a sniper behind me or something, the way they screamed and ran away. I turned around real quick, but the snipers were gone.

Finally, I’m sitting at this café place, having a beer (no Coors, but a surprisingly good brew), when a guy asks me if I’m American. I say, “and proud of it,” and he says, “That’s good. You Americans give us lots of money to defend ourselves, we like you.” So I said, “Can I ask you some questions? I’m a real reporter from America, and I’ve come to find the Truth.” So he says, “Yeah, sure.” “Ok,” I think, “now we’re getting somewhere.”
Ok, so I ask this guy, whose name is Shahed, “What’s really going on here, between Israel and the Gaza-ites? And what he said was real interesting, and I think it’s about time the American people heard it, because this guy really lives here, full time, and he should know.

“We just want to live in peace, but they’re always shooting missiles at us,” he said. “I don’t understand, because we gave them some rocky land and access to water if we don’t use it all, and everything. Sure, we’ve long blockaded Gaza's ports and stopped cross-border shipment of needed supplies, creating a humanitarian crisis well before the current fighting began, but we have to protect ourselves.”

So there you have it. All sides of the story, reported dutifully directly to you, unfiltered. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for the liberal elitist media to do. Except for the one “fair and balanced” network, and they’re from the center. You never hear from the right, hardly. What’s up with that?

Anyway, this is Joe the Plumber, reporting from Israel. Hope to be home in civilization soon. God bless America and still-president Bush!

Obama: U.S. Too Big to Fail

Reassures “nattering nabobs of negativity”

CHICAGO, IL - With the U.S. economy seemingly disintegrating right before our eyes, President-elect Barack Obama is anxious to get his new team to work on the problem. Obama has selected the “best and the brightest,” many of whom have served under Clinton in the past and have been “intimately involved” in riding the economy “to hell in a handbasket” as one aide put it, who wished to remain anonymous.

“Neither bankruptcy nor forced reorganization is the right prescription for these troubled mega-corporations,” said Tim Geithner, Obama’s pick for Treasury Secretary, adding, “they need our help to maintain their way of life.”

“Now, we’ve asked that the auto companies come up with a plan to save themselves,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D‑NV, “we’re not just going to hand over 35 billion dollars with no plan, that’s crazy talk.” Asked about bank bailouts, he said, “As far as Citibank goes, we’re ready to dump another 300 billion on them right now.”

Pressed for details, Reid was brief. “Citibank already has a plan, and we’re satisfied with it,” he said. According to a top Citibank executive, that plan consists of layoffs, incantations, strident pleas and throwing themselves on the kind mercies of Hank Paulson.

Even after accepting hundreds of billions in bailout funds, Citibank and other banks still hold hundreds of billions in toxic paper. “No problem,” said Geithner, “we’ve got new technologies for cleaning up toxic waste – did you know that certain forms of bacteria can eat that stuff and produce clean water? Amazing.”

However, despite Geithner’s upbeat appraisal of the situation, many top economists are forecasting gloom and doom. “Things are not looking good,” said two-time Nobel-prize winner and former chief economist of the World Bank, Joseph Stiglitz, adding, “if we don’t empty our wallets right now for these poor CEOs, bankers and speculators, we’re all toast.”

But Obama continued to insist that there is hope. “We must remain optimistic, as we look to the future and work together to build trust once again,” he said, toting a duffle bag as he walked out of his own bank, after withdrawing everything he had in it. “I’m confident we can turn it around, after all, the U.S. is simply too big to fail. I’m sure the Chinese feel the same way, and they have the added incentive of needing to keep their biggest asset – us – afloat.”

Plaxico Burress Not Faster Than Speeding Bullet

‘Still faster than any other receivers, bullet in my leg or not’ he claims

Plaxico Burress, wide receiver for defending the Super Bowl champions New York Giants, issued a contrite statement today trying to explain the recent self-inflicted bullet wound which occurred in a New York night club on December 1st.

“I always thought of my self as Superman out there on the field, so I wanted to see if it was true that Superman could outrun a speeding bullet. Guess not,” said Burress. The bullet was made by Plaxico Products, Inc., which also makes many other goods, mostly plastic, and is the wide receiver’s name sake. “My mama always liked their plastic food storage containers, so she named me after them,” he said.

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg said Burress could no longer be considered a hero in the city, saying, “He’s no Superman, and he’s not even in the same league as our Batman. I doubt he could even outrun a speeding train.”

Burress posted $100,000 bail after being charged on one count of being a narcissistic jerk and two counts of second-degree criminal possession of a hand gun, as he did not have a permit for it. If convicted, Burress could face a prison sentence of 3 ½ to 15 years.

Teammate Antonio Pierce, who was with Burress at the night club, said, “Man, the boy’s got no sense. I told him to get a head start on that bullet – hell, Plaxi’s fast, but bullets start out at top speed – you got to get a running head start. I’d a been happy to pop a cap in his ass for him, if he just coulda fished that bisquit out of his sweat pants for me, but he always wants to do everything him self. Besides, he was stinking drunk.”

His behavior may end up costing his team a chance to repeat as NFL champions. The Giants fined and suspended Burress with out pay for the final four regular-season games, which is expected to cost him roughly $206,000 per game check and perhaps a $1 million payment from his signing bonus, and the NFL may suspend him for all of next season. “Hell, I may even have to give up one of my two dozen Ferraris,” said Burress when told the news.

Reported by Humor Times Sports Desk.

Paulson Details Plan to Rescue Billionaires

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson today reassured nervous rich people that they will not be forced to endure under-$1000-a-bottle wine, smaller yachts or fewer mansions, saying, “As I told Congress, with my new financial dictatorial powers, I will do all I can to make sure we use this money wisely, and eliminate any undue suffering by billionaires, the most vulnerable segment in America. After all, hard-working CEOs, investment bankers and the just plain filthy rich are the backbone of our economy, and if we can save them, we can save America.”

At the press conference, held just after the bailout package was approved, Paulson explained that “billionaires are the most vulnerable precisely because they have the most to lose” and that poor people will basically just stay poor no matter what. “Imagine this country without our billionaires – how could we call ourselves great?” he added.

Asked what he plans to do to help the middle class, Paulson answered, “What are they expecting? We’re not a socialist country, after all. Now if Joe Sixpack owned, say, a boatload of mortgage-backed securities – well, we would work to help him keep that boat afloat. But if he just squandered a few thousand bucks in some bad investments, well, welcome to the school of hard knocks. We’re not running a charity here.”

Paulson did assure reporters that the administration has compassion for the middle class, however, saying, “We have confidence in the American people, that they are resourceful and hard-working, and they will be fine. The best way to help them is to let them help themselves. We don’t need to coddle them – the press shouldn’t underestimate them, either.”

Paulson then introduced the man tapped to oversee spending for the $700 billion financial rescue plan, Neel Kashkari, the 35-year-old assistant Treasury secretary for international affairs. He worked under Paulson before, at Goldman Sachs, a leading global investment banking and securities firm.

Kashkari said that, “As a relative outsider to the financial industry, I hope to bring a fresh perspective.” Asked whether the Treasury would ignore the middle class, Kashkari said, “It’s not true that hard-working Americans will not benefit from this bailout. By giving all the money to the billionaire bankers who caused the problem, we are sternly telling them in no uncertain terms: ‘You made this mess and now you have to clean it up!’ This is part of our tough love policy – and the results will trickle down to the middle class.”

Billionaires have already been reporting some relief, and promised to in fact relieve themselves further by “trickling down” on the public. But they warn that they may need much more money than previously requested. “If you give me $100 billion more today, I will gladly pay it back Tuesday,” said one, while munching on a gourmet buffalo burger with real gold flakes instead of sesame seeds on the bun.

Meanwhile, since the bailout was passed, public mood seems to be improving, with polls showing 57% are happy to go further in debt to boost billionaires’ bank accounts, 32% saying multi-millionaires should get some too, and 11% saying why not just burn the cash in lieu of heating oil this winter.

In related news, the Fed has reported that they are printing so much money that the Department of Energy is indeed working with them in a pilot project to use it for heating fuel in low rent areas of major cities this winter.

Palin Heals the Sick, Raises GOP from the Dead

Says she’s ready to bring peace & prosperity to world

WASILLA, AK – Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who many Republicans hail as the second coming of the Virgin Mary, sans the virgin part, says she is “ready to lead America into the promised land” and usher in the “1,000 year era of peace and prosperity promised in the Bible,” as vice-president.

“The Lord has anointed me, and I humbly accept my new role,” she said in a rare press conference. Since the GOP convention in early August, Palin has been in near-isolation from the press, as she undergoes what her handlers termed “brainwashing – in the sense that she had an unclean brain. You know, she’s a pretty wild gal underneath.”

Empowered by her triumphant speech at the convention, Palin seemed inspired, saying, “This is a mission from God, and like the Blues Brothers, I will see it through to fruition, no matter what the evil Democrat party throws at me – tomatoes, beer bottles, it don’t matter – they can’t touch this.”

Senator John McCain stood at her side during the announcement, saying afterwards that he was “very proud” and ready to carry out his part of the “divine mission” by getting into the White House, “and after that, well, the Lord works in mysterious ways, my friends.”

Palin did not answer questions after her prepared remarks, but did heal several cripples with her steely gaze, before being ushered off the stage by her staff. When McCain was asked why she won’t face reporters, he answered, “If you believe, all you need to know was in her statement. For the unbelievers, only time, and perhaps Armageddon, will convince them.”

Palin did touch on a wide range of issues in her statement, saying that her daughter’s pregnancy is “proof that abstinence-only education works – after all, she’s almost 18,” and that while some say she exercised “choice” in deciding to carry the baby, it was actually “the will of God, like the war.”

On education, Palin said “our libraries are wonderful storehouses of knowledge, and as vice-president, I will work to cleanse them of heretical books, insuring that our children will not have to waste time sorting out the truth.” She called books on evolution “the lies of the devil Darwin” and said the shelf space left by their removal would be filled with bibles under a McCain-Palin administration.

Palin touched on her “reign as governor” in Alaska, saying that “although it never seceded from the U.S. as we in the Alaska Independence Party had hoped,” she, like all Republicans, always put her country first. “And that country would have been named ‘Divine Alaska,’” she added.

She ended her statement forcefully, saying, “The looney left has had their opportunity these last two years in Congress – and look where it has gotten us. We’re tired of filibustering. Vetoing isn’t good enough. No more. It’s time for us to take back this country – we shall not be led astray, not if this beauty-pageant moose-hunting hockey mom has anything to say about it!”

Global Warming Declared Big Success

As Arctic opens up, Bush declares “Mission Accomplished”

Still-President George W. Bush declared “Mission Accomplished” today in the fight to open up more oil fields. “The melting arctic ice will open access to one third of proven reserves,” Bush said at a White House press conference, siting a new report by the US Geological Survey, “which are reserves we desperately need – to power hundreds of millions of air conditioners through the next century, thus reducing the inconvenient truth of discomfort during our global warming campaign.”

“The advantages of this new oil source are obvious. Instead of having to fight seasoned terrorist nations, all we have to do is convince the Canadians to let us have the oil off their northern coasts,” said Bush in response to a query about legal ownership of the Arctic oil fields, “and we all know how accommodating those Canucks can be, eh?”

In prepared remarks at the press conference, EPA Administrator Stephen Johnson said, “Now you see why I was not interested in catering to liberal whiners’ demands to regulate greenhouse gases – that would have only delayed this essential progress.”

Asked about the threat to polar bears, Johnson replied, “We’ve planned ahead for that. With the huge supply of new fuel, we will be able to create a new polar bear reserve. By installing refrigerator coils beneath one of the big ice chunks that are breaking off, we can keep it frozen for them.”

Republicans in Congress have rushed to embrace the new study, saying it validates Bush’s long-term strategy.
“Finally, near the end of this great president’s term in office, we can see he was right all along,” said House minority leader John Boehner, adding, “this is great news as we approach the elections – our party is vindicated! Global warming will free us from oil supply constraints. I’d like to hear environmentalists debunk this one!”

Democrats were more subdued, claiming it will only delay the inevitable need to build up the nation’s alternative energy capacity.

“This doesn’t change anything. We’re still the party of the people, and by that I mean the people lobbying for the oil industry, who should tell their clients to send all their political campaign donations to us,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, “since we don’t have any qualms about drilling in the Arctic – that ain’t our coast, after all.”

Defeating Wasp Army Living In Pillows Top Issue Among Schizophrenic Voters

By Humor Times Senior Schizophrenic Correspondent Jonathan Crockett

A survey released today by the Getty Research Institute found that schizophrenic voters are most concerned about a growing army of incessantly buzzing wasps which inhabit their pillows at night. Defeating this insect army and finally getting a good night’s sleep has become the key issue on which these voters are concentrating.

“The finding did come as a bit of a surprise,” said Getty Research analyst Jim Paulson. “The wasp army has surpassed several hot button issues which previously typified schizophrenic concerns- topics which included the government’s nefarious monitoring of thoughts via microwave ovens, the amplified voice of Ed McMahon encouraging murder played on a continuous loop throughout the house, and disembodied tongue syndrome.”

Aside from the immediate inconvenience of interrupted sleep, there is a growing fear among many schizophrenics that the wasp army will eventually break free of their billowy confines, infiltrate the ear canal and create a brain nest from which they will control their host’s every action while creating a cacophony of buzzing through which no other sound can penetrate.

“Once they’ve reached the brain, all bets are off,” stated Nancy Turbin, a schizophrenic who participated in the survey. “My concerns about radio active soda cans and razor sharp grass blades have by no means disappeared but the wasp army is a much more pressing issue. How can we possibly maintain enough energy to thwart the mailman’s attempts at mind control if our sleep is constantly being interrupted by stings to the face? Schizophrenics need a candidate who is serious about solving this problem.”

Heeding the call of voters like Mrs.Turbin, both Barak Obama and John McCain have started to court the nearly 2.5 million strong schizophrenic demographic. The two have vastly differing opinions on how to deal with the rouge army. Obama has so far not ruled out diplomacy, stating he’d be willing to have talks on a conditional basis with the wasps’ leaders. This plan has drawn fire by the McCain camp which supports increased sanctions and possible military/bug spray intervention.

Senator McCain suffered harsh criticism on this issue earlier in the week when a senior advisor called the wasp army “an invasion of the mind” and suggested that schizophrenics are “whiners.” McCain quickly condemned the remarks and stated he did not share or condone his advisor’s views.

Despite this setback, McCain is holding a slight lead over Obama among schizophrenic voters. A recent AP Gallop poll found 38% of schizophrenics felt Senator McCain was best equiped to deal with the wasp army, while 32% favored Obama and a surprising 30% sided with an invisible closet angel.

“McCain has military experience and a proven track record in similar situations,” said Tim Leskin, a long time schizophrenic and McCain supporter. “We all remember the leadership he displayed during the gamma-ray-shooting-television incident of ’92 and the sunflower invasion of ’03.”

Other core issues among schizophrenic voters in 2008 include: air conditioners spewing scentless poisonous gases; melting of the teeth; electrified toenails; and the spying neighbor across the street who can see through walls.

Republicans Promote “Giant Dome” Bill

Humor Times special report

Republicans stood in lock-step recently to filibuster S.3036, the Climate Change Bill, saying they had “a better idea.”

“Democrats think in terms of restricting people and business. We think expansively, creatively, and that’s the big difference voters need to see,” said Senator James Inhofe (R-OK), author of the Giant Dome Bill, S.3037.

“Why not build a giant dome over the United States?” asked Sen. Inhofe. “Not only would it allow us to regulate our own climate, but it would also keep out the rising sea levels – just in case the scientists got lucky and their crazy global warming theories happen to be right. In fact,” he added, “we could end up having the world’s largest aquarium – the length of both our coasts! Talk about a boon to the economy, just when we need it!”

“We shouldn’t sacrifice our economic future for virtually no environmental gain,” said Bob Barr, the Libertarian Party candidate for president, referring to the climate change bill. Barr has always been a Republican, but he changed parties this year to run for president, saying, “I know a sinking ship when I see one.”

When asked how the dome would be cooled, and if it would trap pollutants inside, Barr said, “Obviously, we’ll have to air condition it. And that will create even more pollution. But we’ll vent it outside the dome. Let the rest of the world deal with it, we have our own problems.”

Inhofe’s plan has garnered strong support from nearly all Republicans. Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) said it “makes a lot of sense, especially if you can’t stand to vote with the Democrat party.” Given the choice, he said, “I’d rather vote for a crazy scheme put forth by a Republican than any idiotic thing a Dem would dream up. Besides, the science just isn’t there.” Pressed for details, he said he goes by 1980 science, “because the new stuff hasn’t been around long enough to stand the test of time.”

In related news, when asked how he felt about Bob Barr’s sudden departure from the Republican party, Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) answered, “I don’t hold it against him. After all, who wants to run as a Republican these days? Besides, those Libertarians have been getting rather incoherent – Barr will guide them back to sanity.”

Subprime Lender Reduced to Lending to Homeless for Cardboard Box Homes

A major subprime lender, Loans4You, which was not quite major enough to get a bailout from the government like Baer Sterns did, has "found new life" making loans to homeless people for cardboard boxes to sleep in.

"Sure, it doesn't sound so good at first," said company spokesman Joseph R. Canterwaller, "but consider that we are helping the very people affected by the subprime crisis. Many of these folks became homeless as a result of our bad loans, so we feel an obligation to respond to their needs." He also pointed out that many lesser subprime lenders have gone under completely, and that as survivors, the company is "helping to bolster the economy by staying afloat."

"We provide entry-level loans for new box-owners, and our cardboard homes are made from the toughest refrigerator cartons available. We specifically tailor our loans to the needs of our customers, even covering two or three-room shelters," Mr. Canterwaller said.

Answering critics who say such companies make risky loans, the Loans4You spokesman said, "These loans are rock solid. We've done background checks on all our customers, which is something we never did before, as you know. While we know they don't have jobs, we still require that applicants be resourceful, hard workers. Most engage their entire family, from toddlers to spouses, in such gainful employment as dumpster diving, restaurant backdoor begging, street panhandling and the like."

Others in the loan industry see this as a positive development as well. Steven Stackhouse of payday lenders Cash and Carry, Inc. told this reporter, "These loans can be packaged and sold to brokering houses, who package them with other groups of loans, resell them, and so on - creating wealth all along the chain. This could revive the entire economy!" When asked if this wasn't the cause of the crisis in the first place, Stackhouse replied, "Doesn't matter. It's all cyclical. If we can prop up the economy for another ten years, by then who knows what will come along? Perhaps a dotcom boom!"

Prez Shocks World: Does Something Good

After seven long years of total incompetence, President George W. Bush has turned the tables and has been recognized for doing something that was not only not inept, not only was not terrible, but was - contrary to all expectations - actually good. He helped South Africa with the AIDS epidemic in a big way, and that country loves him for it.

As his recent visit showed, South Africa was thrilled to have the president visit, waving American flags that, incredibly, were not burning, or even smoldering. Instead of effigies of the president, he was greeted with African women wearing his visage on the backside of their skirts. According to a source who asked to remain anonymous, the president had a good laugh and whispered that he was amazed didn't even have to ask - as he did in his younger days - to get "young women to sit on my face."

Most of the world, including the international press and leaders from various nations, expressed amazement and sheer wonderment that the president didn't screw anything up in this endeavor.

The liberal organization MoveOn, however, issued a press release that said, in part, "While it is on one hand quite heartening to see the president help with such a grave issue as AIDS, in a way it feels like a slap in the face. Just when the entire world had resigned itself to the fact that the leader of the free world was a bumbling idiot and they would have to wait until 2009 for any kind of relief from his destructive and counter-productive policies on all fronts, he does this. Now he has shown us that he was indeed capable all along, yet just felt like screwing with us. In other words, by this action, George Bush is simply thumbing his nose at the world on his way out of office."

In response, press secretary Dana Perino said that, "The president understands the frustration of ultra-liberal terrorist-lovers like MoveOn, but he is not in office to please them. He has had his priorities throughout the last seven years, and they didn't include appeasement of that organization, nor of any other group, or country for that matter. His priority has been to make the USA safe from any form of terrorist threat or propaganda, and by putting the nation on a footing of fear and hair-trigger paranoia, he has achieved a state of readiness like no other president has ever done. And yes, he does enjoy pissing off liberals by stealing the thunder on one of their pet issues."

Besides MoveOn, a few other organizations were less than pleased with his performance in South Africa. Boynarr Sanyika, an African dance instructor with the dance troupe Djembe-L, based in the U.S., expressed dismay at the president's dance moves while visiting the country. "Why? Why oh why subject a country he's trying so hard to impress to moves like that?" he asked, adding, "We could have taught him a few moves in an hour that would have saved him from months of ridicule on YouTube!"

FDA: Protecting consumers from tainted truth

WASH., D.C. - The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) today announced a new campaign to educate the public on the advantages of not being educated about Genetically Modified (GM) foods.

"The public continues to be misled by GM opponents, who irresponsibly post facts about the process on the internet," said acting FDA commissioner Andrew von Eschenbach, M.D. "As you know, our job is to protect the public - usually from bad ingredients in food and drugs, etc. But today we roll out an exciting initiative to also protect their minds, and thereby protect important corporate entities that are helping to feed the world," he added.

The FDA currently forbids GM labeling, "so that consumers will not be misled into making irrational choices," such as avoiding GM foods, according to agency spokesman Fredly Summersault. By banning such labeling, which the FDA considers to be "false and misleading information," the agency is protecting citizens, he said.

Many countries are opposing this US policy, choosing to let people decide for themselves if they want to ingest genetically modified food. "This means that people in the United States and Canada are eating a lot more genetically engineered foods than the rest of the world, resulting in the defacto creation of the largest feeding experiment in human history," said Sam Sinclair of the grassroots organization Food for People by People Who Grow Food for People.

"That is a dangerous policy," insisted Monsanto researcher Dennis Ward. "That is simply spreading irrational fear. Instead of whipping up anti-GM hysteria around the world, these people should just buy our fortified food and quit their whining - they would be healthier for it!" he said, adding, "After all, it's inevitable - the entire world will not only be eating GM food exclusively in 20 years, the Earth itself will become a genetically modified organism, as will all its inhabitants."

Asked about the meaning of the phrase "fortified food," Mr. Ward said, "Simple - we've fortified food with better genes." He went on to explain that although vitamin and mineral-fortified foods were "all well and good," the "ultimate in fortification" is improving the genes themselves. "I mean, what would you rather eat, an average tomato, or a tomato that can add and subtract, do complex algebraic computations and recite Shakespeare? Now that's brain food!" he said.

Opponents, such as the Natural Solutions Foundation, which is on the agency's "watch list," insist that hazards of GM foods outweigh the "unproven" benefits. They site studies such as one published in Nature showing that pollen from B.t. corn caused high mortality rates in monarch butterfly caterpillars; the spread of genetically modified traits to other plant and animal species, resulting in the creation of "superweeds," etc.; the allergic reaction of many people to GM food; and the unexpected and negative impacts these foods can have on human health.

"Ridiculous," said Commissioner von Eschenbach when confronted with these concerns, "those hippies just need a little re-education. 'Frankenfood,' my ass! Send them over - vee have vays of making them see the light!" He then laughed hysterically, while chomping on a potato whose eyes appeared to actually be mammal-like, and wearing glasses as it was reading a book entitled "Let Our People Go."

Kings Float New Arena Plan

Opponents counter scheme is 'all wet'
SACRAMENTO, CA – In a surprising development in the controversy regarding a new sports arena in Sacramento, a novel solution was unveiled today by the Sacramento Kings' owners, the Maloof brothers. Flanked by various interested parties, including Mayor Heather Fargo, developers and a few shipbuilders, the Maloofs presented a proposal that stunned reporters at the scene.

The plan, apparently hatched by the group after weeks of secret meetings, involves building a huge arena/barge that could float down the Sacramento River. The unprecedented project would be an enormous, but feasible undertaking, insists Kings Spokesman Sam Sturgeon.

"Look, most of the expense in building a new arena is in purchasing land," said Mr. Sturgeon, adding, "and that's where most of the political and logistical problems arise. This solution not only renders those huge obstacles moot, it offers many other advantages as well." Indeed, officials around the NBA have called it "the most creative arena solution ever." Commissioner David Stern is said to be testing the waters on the idea, as he is eager for any solution that could work, considering the arena problems he's facing in various cities.

Some not impressed

But not everyone around the NBA is impressed with the plan. Some team owners are wary, predicting the proposal will sink. Players, too, have begun to voice skepticism, some complaining that they get seasick easily. As Cleveland's Lebron James put it, "Man, I don't wanna throw up in the middle of a throw down." Even Laker Kobe Bryant weighed in, claiming the Kings were just looking for any advantage they could get over teams, and that they were flaunting the abundance of water compared to L.A. "They want to play on a boat? I'll show 'em a floater. And a few splashdown dunks too!" he vented.

Kings players are worried as well, mostly about the nicknames they might get saddled with – christenings that could stick through their whole career. Mike Bibby said he fears being stuck with "Mike Bobbing" and that Brad Miller could be renamed "Brad Tiller," adding, "you know what they'd do to John Salmons, and let's face it, Douby has enough problems."

Gavin Maloof said he'd like to see the new floating arena called the "Ship of Kings," a name he said "could inspire young and old alike, creating a real source of pride for the community." He then conceded they'd probably just sell the naming rights to the highest bidder. "'Captain Crunch' wouldn't be bad," he ventured, "at least that would involve a sailing-related logo."

Mobile arena

One big question yet to be answered is where to dock the new floating arena. The favored location so far seems to be just upstream from the Delta King, where, proponents argue, it could be seen and admired by the city, as well as be a great tourist attraction that would boost revenue for old town Sacramento.

But the new arena would not just sit anchored, collecting barnacles. No, plans include floating to different destinations for various games, an idea that is gaining momentum. Proponents say the "royal barge" could even navigate to several locations in one night, "spreading out and diffusing the parking problem," as Nina Levitt, transportation assistant to Mayor Fargo, put it.

"Sailing to different locations on the river would provide direct access for those areas, a boon for fans who want to minimize driving. At the same time, parking problems would be alleviated, as automobile traffic could be diverted to several points along the river," said Ms. Levitt. Interestingly, this could include the present day parking lot at Arco Arena. From the old Arena, fans would be shuttled a few miles to where Garden Highway intersects Power Line Road on the river.

According to this plan, the arena would then float south to various points on the river. Other proposed stops include just south of the Tower Bridge, which is close to parking at Raley Field, and at Hood Junction, just west of Elk Grove, probably the southernmost docking point.

In the spirit of "spreading out the parking problem," another idea floated by the Kings involves Caltrans building a new ramp just north of the Seamus Avenue exit on I-5, where the highway comes very close to the river. The high-tech ramp could deposit cars onto a separate parking barge that the floating arena would tow.

Kings point to advantages

The Kings organization wants fans to know that they would also be welcome to swim or boat in anywhere along the route, if they chose. There would be many bollards placed around the arena barge, where people who had tickets could tie up their craft, pay a docking fee, and enter the arena. Swimmers would be provided clean towels, and could even have a pre-arranged package of dry clothing waiting for them. "We want to be open to any ideas that allow our fans to get here in the most carbon-neutral way possible, so we would actually encourage swimming," said Mr. Sturgeon, "besides, it's good exercise."

"This whole scheme might sound outrageous to some," said Gavin Maloof, "but when you think about it, there are many plusses." For examples, he offered that "when the Kings sink, fans can stay afloat. Also, the motion of the vessel floating down the river could help the Kings develop more of a 'flow' to their offense. And as anyone involved will admit, we want to make a big splash with this new arena, so where better than the river?"

Other advantages, suggested by brother Joe Maloof, were:

• If the game sucks, fans can go out on the deck and enjoy the river, or even take quick trips on the small boats tied to the sides.
• Such an innovative arena will give distinctive character to a mediocre team.
• Team name could be changed to the "River City Sailor Boys."
• No training facility needed, as rowing in the galley below will provide all the exercise players could possibly want.

Impure motives?

But the controversial plan's detractors say it's just another maneuver by the Maloof brothers in their overall strategy to leave Sacramento. According to this theory, when the team decides to move, the new floating arena could simply be piloted down the Sacramento River to the delta. From there, they could navigate southeast up the San Joaquin, where the Kings could try their luck in Stockton. More likely, they would sail on into the San Francisco Bay, say analysts, but most believe that would not be a successful location, due to the abundance of NBA teams in the area. At that point, warn opponents of the plan, the team would probably just sail on out into the Pacific and try docking at one of the coastal cities to the south.

Some even speculate that the team could continue south and become the first Mexican team in the league. "Why not," said Josh Hanvey, sportswriter from the San Diego Metro Weekly, "after all, we have a Canadian team, and used to have two." Indeed, Latin American countries have fielded teams that have done very well in global competition, and the fan base is growing for good basketball. "I could see the Kings doing well in any number of countries," added Hanvey, "perhaps playing for a few years in places south of Mexico, and even South America."

Taking the process to its natural conclusion, opponents say, means the Kings may actually be planning to sail right through the Panama Canal and end up as an Eastern Conference team, where league competition has historically not been as stiff. "That may be all the motivation the Maloofs need," ventured Hanvey, "- a slim chance of actually getting into the playoffs!"

Sacramento Airport Readying Expansion

Hopes are to build world-class terminals holding lines "as long as any"

SACRAMENTO, CA - Soon, bulldozers will be working feverishly at the Sacramento International Airport, pushing dirt around and giving the place a renewed air of importance. In an aggressive move, county airport officials say they will "raise the Sacramento airport's reputation to the level of the biggest, most crowded and traffic-jammed airports in the whole world."

The project's $1.3 billion price tag will help Sacramento's debt level to compare favorably with the biggest metropolitan areas as well, say observers.

Airport director Hardy Acrobeet said Sacramento's facility needs a major expansion to keep pace with Northern California growth. In announcing the project, Acrobeet said, "This train has left the station," quickly correcting himself and adding, "the plane has rolled out to the tarmac."

Supporters say riders will feel pride in the accomplishment when they finally get a parking spot, pay the exorbitant fee, and take their place in the world-class line.

The expansion, county officials said, will turn a plain old cow-town airport into a swank symbol of excess, just like all those big-city airports, giving airport patrons something to feel pride in as they wait.

The centerpiece will be a glass-walled central terminal, soaring four stories in height, which officials hope to open by 2011. "Airport customers will only need to suck dust and dirt for four short years," said a beaming Fred Wingman, airport planner, "then it will be all shiny floors, clean sidewalks and rope lines as far as the eye can see."

Expansion plans will, of course, include trams, remote concourses and all the trappings of a successful airport, each with their own inherent lines, giving riders plenty of time to admire the architecture.

Cheney Pronounces Self King

WASH., D.C. - Former Vice-President Dick Cheney, fed up with restraints on his office, declared himself King today in a prepared statement.

"Everyone knows it has been me, Dick Cheney, who has been running things around here since I was elected in 2000 with my sidekick, George W. Bush," announced His Majesty. "With the recent hostile take over of the Congress by the Democrats, caused by an accidental under-vote of Republican bytes in voting machines last election, it has become more difficult for me to do my job. They are demanding all sorts of ridiculous things, like compliance with systems for protecting classified information and following a bunch of other laws. In the interest of national security, responsible government and sheer convenience, I've decided it is time to do away with the pretense, unveil the shadow government, and bring it out into the light where it belongs. I've been king for six years, let's just get on with it."

Reaction has been swift up on Capitol Hill, with Republican congressmen falling all over themselves to be first to kiss King Cheney's ring, while Democrats have been more reserved, opting instead to simply bow as Cheney passed by.

"At least we don't have to wonder any more," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "who is really running things. And naturally, impeachment is totally off the table now. However, we do want assurance that we can address our concerns to the King without fear of flogging or beheading - that much we feel we deserve." Asked about this demand, Cheney said simply, "We'll see about that," adding, "Nancy should know I've still got my shotgun in the closet."

Constitutional scholars weighed in on the matter as well. Professor Sidney Lookitup questioned the legality of the move, saying, "He's not even president yet! How does he just leapfrog to King?" Other scholars reserved judgement, with one distinguished historian, eyes darting around nervously and insisting on anonymity, asking, "Has he claimed the power to execute anyone he wishes yet?"

Gonzales Insists Responsibility for Responsibility Not His

WASH., D.C. - Attorney General Roberto Gonzales, facing increasing scrutiny for his role in the firings of US Attorneys under his watch, ostensibly for political reasons, says he is responsible, but "not responsible."

"You must understand," said Gonzales to reporters yesterday, "I accept responsibility, but how can I be responsible for others' irresponsibility?" The Attorney General is renowned for his irrefutable logic in showing how things are really different than any one ever thought - such as his one-word debunking of the Geneva Conventions as "quaint," which were previously considered sacrosanct.

Gonzales explained away his current predicament with equal aplomb, although it took many more words to wiggle himself out of this one. "In other words, to paraphrase the Great One himself," he said, in an apparent reference to Donald Rumsfeld, "there are responsibilities you are responsible for. Then, there are responsibilities that others are responsible for. Finally, there are responsibilities no one knows who is responsible for. I call these the 'irresponsible responsibilities.' I mean, who knew?!"

In taking this tack, Gonzales is following the time-honored "aw shucks" defense, honed through the years by unfairly harassed CEOs and politicians, until to day it is widely accepted that those in charge cannot possibly know what's going on below them. Some pooh-pooh this defense, claiming that to accept this is to accept that there is no accountability for the concept of accountability.

But Gonzales defenders reply by pointing out that there are unaccountable accountabilities, and then there are accountabilities that are unaccountable. Even a third grader, who stole a candy bar but didn't mean to, knows this. Sure, he enjoys the sugary goodness to its fullest, but that candy bar put itself in his pocket, by reason of the "aw shucks" defense. And ultimately, as Gonzales himself might reason, the boy is helping the world by allowing one less cavity-causing delectable to be consumed by some other unsuspecting kid.

Responding to accusations of applying double standards, Gonzales said, "That's patently false. For example, if I refused to do what I told myself to do, I would not hesitate to fire myself."

Still, hard-line prosecutors charge that the attorneys were let go for "following the law," rather than following the "partisan political directives" of those above them. But the Attorney General insists "In reality, they brought it on themselves." Gonzales pointed out that one of the fired attorneys as much as admitted his guilt when he said, "Silly me, I thought I swore an oath to protect the people and the constitution."

Silly indeed, and undeniably "quaint."

Bush to Launch War on Global Warming

WASH., D.C. - The Bush administration announced plans for a new offensive today, a "War on Global Warming." After denying the existence of global warming for years, administration officials have finally capitulated to overwhelming scientific evidence in recent months. Now that they have acknowledged it, they appear to be ready to take forceful, direct action.

"With our great successes in the past, including the War on Drugs, the War on Crime, the War on Teen Pregnancy, the War on Poverty, and the War on the Environment, not to mention our inevitable soon-to-be victory in Iraq, we've decided the time has come to show this 'Global Warming' that we mean business," said President Bush in a Rose Garden press conference yesterday. "Americans will not give up our way of life to appease an enemy, whether it be Al Qaida, the Taliban or new threats like the terror campaigns of the Global Warming," he said, adding, "I am the decider, and I will decide whether or not to turn up the heat, and this Global Warming will soon see that America will not cut our thermostats and run."

Pentagon officials have released intelligence reports showing they believe Global Warming has concentrated its forces in the Arctic and the Antarctic. (The CIA said its own intelligence showed "somewhat different" results.) "No country, or continent, or ice sheet for that matter, can harbor terrorists and get away with it," said Pentagon spokesman Jake Warrington. "We know where they are, and we'll be coming after them," he continued, "and we'll pursue them to the ends of the earth, literally."

New Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, in a presentation to the press on the new offensive, said it will be launched in early summer, "to get at them while they're at the height of their activity." It will include air strikes and a missile barrage to "soften targets," followed by a "ground - or ice, I should say - assault," he explained. "We are reserving the right to a 'nuclear option' if necessary, as well. After all, the fate of the world is at stake, and these climactic evil-doers need to know we will not back down," Secretary Gates added.

Asked about possible collateral damage, Gates said, "While our military targeting is the most accurate in the world, a polar bear or two may suffer casualties. That can't be helped. But we are confident that the polar bear population as a whole will greet us as liberators, showering us with snow confetti and giving delicious snowcones to our brave men and women in uniform."