A Few Bad Nuts Spoil the ACORN

According to news reports that have been judged fair and balanced, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, or ACORN, has apparently gone nuts. The 39 year old organization, which has dedicated itself to “building community organizations that are committed to social and economic justice,” is now apparently all about helping ho’s get cribs they can turn into whorehouses for underage sex slaves from El Salvador.

The embattled organization claims many victories since 1970 on “thousands of issues of concern to our members, through direct action, negotiation, legislative advocacy and voter participation.” Obviously, after nearly four decades of success in helping those in need, the organization is completely unsalvageable now, and should be abolished, say Republican senators.

Even Democrats are being careful not to be seen as supporting the once-respected group. “Sorry, poor folk, it’s a tough time to be giving you even less help, but we’re confident you’re a resourceful bunch. Good luck,” said former supporter, Democratic Senator Al Franken of Minnesota.

Ironically, ACORN has been a great help in registering Hispanics and blacks for the Democratic party. “I’m sure that has nothing to do with why Republicans have sought to vilify us for so long,” said Sally Jorgenson, press liaison for ACORN.

“Just look at how they promote themselves,” said House Minority Leader John Boehner, “using all those code words. ‘Direct action, voter participation’ – they’re obviously trying to recruit al Queada sympathizers for terrorist activity.”

After the scandal broke, ACORN CEO Bertha Lewis announced that, “As a result of the indefensible action of a handful of our employees, I am … immediately ordering a halt to any new intakes into ACORN's service programs until completion of an independent review.”

“That should help until we can finally close down that subversive group,” said Rep. Boehner.
Both houses of Congress voted immediately and overwhelmingly to stop all federal funding support for ACORN. And the rich began to party, as those pesky po’ people have just lost the nation’s largest grassroots community organization of low- and moderate-income people.

“The nation is safe once again,” said Boehner.

Republicans Eschew ‘Country First’ Motto

New slogan ‘Failure IS An Option’ a better fit, they say

A Humor Times exclusive report

WASHINGTON, DC – The GOP was forced to retract its “Country First” motto today, first rolled out during Senator John McCain’s presidential campaign last year. Noting that it “contradicts” their current strategy, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) said, “In our effort to come up with a unified plan going forward, we decided to replace the now-irrelevant motto with our new one, ‘Failure IS An Option.’”

“It’s a new day, and a new challenge for the party,” said Boehner, “and we must convey our message to the American people clearly. The new slogan says to America, ‘Yes, we can fail, and it’s ok.’”

The Republican congressman maintained that “failing is the best way to succeed” in this new political climate, insisting that “by failing now, the nation will see that Democrats suck, and that there is no choice but to return to Republican rule, no matter how distasteful it may seem.”

Although painful in the short term, a massive failure by the Obama administration would allow the GOP to “pick up the pieces,” said Rush Limbaugh, the current de facto leader of the party, on his daily radio show. Limbaugh told listeners that Republicans must return “this lost and confused nation” to a “fiscally sound strategy of tax cuts for the rich, and a real, kick-ass stimulus strategy, consisting of a continuous war footing and empire building to put people to work in real careers – not these namby-pamby, eco-terrorist, solar fantasy jobs.”

“It’s time the American people woke up from their unrealistic dreams of ‘hope’ and returned to reality here. Obama is evil, Republicans are good – it’s really that simple,” Limbaugh shouted, adding, “Enough of the charade! Bring it on. Bring on the new depression, that’ll wake these dreamers up!”