Phelps Holds Little Known Bonging Gold

High school award ‘proudest moment until Beijing’

The recent revelation that Michael Phelps, winner of an Olympic record eight gold medals in last year’s games, was photographed smoking a bong in November has led to an investigation that revealed even more: Michael Phelps won the Gold Medal of his senior class’ unofficial Olympic Bonging competition in high school.

In fact, say his old classmates, Phelps was famous in Maryland’s Towson High School for going to school stoned every day. “He never went to college, and I think I know why. All he ever wanted to do was swim and get high,” said his former high school buddy, “Slammin’” Sam Forester.

“Yeah, we had what we called an ‘Olympic Bonging competition’ back in the day, and in his Senior year, Phelps blew the rest of the field away,” added Forester. “He inhaled 57 straight bong hits, a record that still stands to this day, and those were monster bong hits, no sissy little puffs. I guess his lung capacity has always been huge.”

Phelps even credits his high school partying days with helping him along with his chosen career. “I’m very sorry to have disappointed my fans,” said Mr. Phelps in a recent press conference, “but, truth be told, those competitions strengthened my lungs. They were tough! I mean, without that rigorous training, I doubt I ever would have won all those swimming medals.”

His high school swimming coach, Tom Ruxton, weighed in, saying, “Now I know where he got that appetite! Come to think of it, his voracious ‘munchies’ are what gave him the fuel to excel at swimming, so I suppose you could say Phelps’ pot habit may have been what propelled him to the top of the swimming world.”
After considering his own words for a moment, Ruxton added, “In that respect, I guess pot got him high in more ways than one.”

Phelps promised he would never do it again. He also promised he’ll never drink, utter profanities, have public sex in the park, rob banks, flash random people on Main Street, rob homeowners with subprime mortgage scams or offer Senate seats for sale, should he ever become governor.

Reported by Humor Times Green Correspondent, Jason Puffer.

China Promises Full Access to Parts of the Internet During Olympics

Spokesman reassures reporters on human rights as well

BEIJING – After initially promising completely unfettered access to the internet for reporters during their stay for the Olympic Games, China now admits it “meant full access to the uncensored portions” of the internet.

“We will keep the promise we made, for full access to China’s internet, which of course, is different than Western notions of ‘full access,’” explained Chinese Olympics spokesman Qin Gang. He elaborated, “Our internet is freer than the West’s, as it is free of lies – which is better, I’m sure you reporters will agree. And if not, we’ll be happy to show you how our internet access is even extended to prisoners.” Qin Gang further pledged a Chinese commitment to improve their human rights record, “by reducing average torture time, as well as our promise to provide athletes with clean air, which we will accomplish by sending them out to sea on a raft if they complain. I’m sure all agree, sea air is quite refreshing!”

Human rights advocates have accused Beijing of stepping up the detention and surveillance of those it fears could disrupt the Games. But Qin Gang said they are doing nothing out of the ordinary. “We have our quotas, you know, just like American cops. Maintaining the level of efficiency we are accustomed to in our vast prison system requires we keep it well stocked. It’s just business as usual.” He added, “We know you Americans are well-versed in this practice as well, having a higher percentage of prisoners than any country in the world. We admire that in you, and hope to emulate your success.”

However, Mr. Gang assured reporters that Chinese prisons are not overcrowded. “Some cells are reserved, just in case,” he said, adding, “we don’t want our athletes to get too comfortable, thinking there won’t be consequences for losing. Also, you reporters need to know you should not get too cocky either.” Prison space needs to be saved for potential terrorist arrests too, he said, especially those that stand in front of Chinese tanks.