Palin's Latest Shocker: Hosting New Talk Show

Ex-governor given slot opposite Leno, before Letterman on CBS

A Humor Times Exclusive

Former Alaskan Governor and Vice-Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin stunned pundits and fans alike in July when she announced her resignation, but has topped that with a real zinger today. Speculation flew for weeks as to hidden motives for the seemingly bizarre move to resign, yet no one could guess at what has now been revealed.

At a press conference held on a hunting trip in Alaska, Ms. Palin told invited reporters that she has agreed to host a new talk show, slated to begin next fall. The show, tentatively titled "Railin' Palin," will feature the ex-governor "railing" on the issues, and will compete directly with Jay Leno's new spot on NBC, even debuting the same week.

While Mr. Leno will continue to broadcast from his longtime studio in Burbank, Calif., Ms. Palin's show is expected to be based in Houston, Texas. "We considered having the show in New York, like Letterman, but that is not where Sarah's strongest base of support is," said the show's producer, William Stuckle.

And while Leno is expected to retain many of the most popular elements of his "Tonight Show," including bits like "Headlines" and "Jay Walking," some segments being planned for "Railin' Palin" are: "Palinspeak," wherein viewers will be treated to her latest inventive turns of phrase and "That Darn Elite Press," a humorous segment that "will provide a platform for "poking a little light-hearted fun at that lying, conniving, elitist press."

During her press conference, Ms. Palin revealed one other segment planned for the show. In between pot shots taken at exhausted wolves chased for miles by her hired helicopter, she said, "Of course, I'll be cracking jokes at Mr. Letterbub's expense every night - let's see how he likes it." Asked to give a hint of the nature of the jokes, Palin responded, "I'll say things like his six year old son has gotten little girls pregnant - you know, funny stuff like that."

"Of course, the liberal press likes to pile on and saying now that I'm a quitter. They just don't understand. They got the wrong girl - we Alaskans are born fighters, not quitters! All I did was swap my governor gloves for talk show gloves. I'm still punchin'," barked a visibly agitated Palin, firing shots all the while. "Like a guard in basketball, *POW* I'll bob and weave through that axis of evil press *BAM* by using their own TV against 'em *CRACK* and punching their lights out!" she continued, shouting over the gunshots and the drone of the chopper. "And I'm like, ok, God, *KABLAM* if you open this door for me - and this is what I always pray *KERPOW* - I'm like, I'm running through it. So, whether president or talk show host, *BAM* just give me a sign. And the good Lord has given me this sign." *POW*

She went on, saying, "Since that ol' Department of Law there in the White House refuses to prosecute Mr. Lesserman for his libels on my daughters, I'll just be my maverick self and use my own motherly instincts to protect them, by using Letterdude's own tactics right back at him. I'm looking forward to it - you betcha!"

Palin Heals the Sick, Raises GOP from the Dead

Says she’s ready to bring peace & prosperity to world

WASILLA, AK – Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, who many Republicans hail as the second coming of the Virgin Mary, sans the virgin part, says she is “ready to lead America into the promised land” and usher in the “1,000 year era of peace and prosperity promised in the Bible,” as vice-president.

“The Lord has anointed me, and I humbly accept my new role,” she said in a rare press conference. Since the GOP convention in early August, Palin has been in near-isolation from the press, as she undergoes what her handlers termed “brainwashing – in the sense that she had an unclean brain. You know, she’s a pretty wild gal underneath.”

Empowered by her triumphant speech at the convention, Palin seemed inspired, saying, “This is a mission from God, and like the Blues Brothers, I will see it through to fruition, no matter what the evil Democrat party throws at me – tomatoes, beer bottles, it don’t matter – they can’t touch this.”

Senator John McCain stood at her side during the announcement, saying afterwards that he was “very proud” and ready to carry out his part of the “divine mission” by getting into the White House, “and after that, well, the Lord works in mysterious ways, my friends.”

Palin did not answer questions after her prepared remarks, but did heal several cripples with her steely gaze, before being ushered off the stage by her staff. When McCain was asked why she won’t face reporters, he answered, “If you believe, all you need to know was in her statement. For the unbelievers, only time, and perhaps Armageddon, will convince them.”

Palin did touch on a wide range of issues in her statement, saying that her daughter’s pregnancy is “proof that abstinence-only education works – after all, she’s almost 18,” and that while some say she exercised “choice” in deciding to carry the baby, it was actually “the will of God, like the war.”

On education, Palin said “our libraries are wonderful storehouses of knowledge, and as vice-president, I will work to cleanse them of heretical books, insuring that our children will not have to waste time sorting out the truth.” She called books on evolution “the lies of the devil Darwin” and said the shelf space left by their removal would be filled with bibles under a McCain-Palin administration.

Palin touched on her “reign as governor” in Alaska, saying that “although it never seceded from the U.S. as we in the Alaska Independence Party had hoped,” she, like all Republicans, always put her country first. “And that country would have been named ‘Divine Alaska,’” she added.

She ended her statement forcefully, saying, “The looney left has had their opportunity these last two years in Congress – and look where it has gotten us. We’re tired of filibustering. Vetoing isn’t good enough. No more. It’s time for us to take back this country – we shall not be led astray, not if this beauty-pageant moose-hunting hockey mom has anything to say about it!”