America Repels Alien Attack on Native Soil

Invaders target nation’s lawns, requiring “Shock and Awe” strategy, say experts


They may look harmless and even pretty to the
untrained eye, but these weeds are the enemy.
A Humor Times special report

When pundits debate national security in the media these days, they’re usually referring to threats posed by Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and North Korea. No doubt very important stuff, but every spring we face a growing insurgency right here at home: the massive invasion of unsightly weeds on the nation’s lawns.

“I’m at my wits end,” says Ernest Sanders of Atlanta, Georgia, who loves a uniform green lawn. “The weeds are the worst I’ve ever seen them, despite the gallons and gallons of weed killer I’ve saturated my yard with.”

According to U.S. Department of Agriculture, annual turf and lawn maintenance altogether is a $30 billion industry. However, over 400 different species of weeds and insects are now resistant to some or all pesticides traditionally used to battle them.

The extent of the problem is “rather startling” says Robert Metcalf of the University of Illinois. “It makes you think we’re doing something wrong.”

Indeed. Something is wrong, and according to Sam Restinthall, a lawn care specialist in Los Angeles, California, it is that we have not committed ourselves fully to the fight.

“We need a real ‘Shock and Awe’ strategy, to rid our nation of these foreign invaders, once and for all,” says Restinthall. “If the $8.9 billion we spend annually on lawn chemicals isn’t doing the job, let’s dump $20 billion on it. Talk about a great stimulus plan! We in the lawn care industry could use it, I’ll tell ya,” he said.

But radical capitalist-hating organic types say we shouldn’t be “poisoning” our lawns. They say weeds won’t thrive in rich soil, so people should work on making their soil healthy.

“Taller blades help shade the roots from the heat, so set the mower blade height to 3 inches, or more if your mower has a higher setting,” says Charlotte Berkenshire, organic lawn care expert from Lubbock, Texas.

“Buy sugar. Apply it to your lawn at the rate 1 pound sugar per 250 sq. ft. of lawn. Water it in well. Your soil has beneficial microbes that work round the clock, all year round, enriching the soil. Fertilizers, weed killers etc, kill these microbes. Sugar keeps them alive,” she says.

While that sounds sweet, Restinthall says it’s “living in fantasy land.” “She probably recommends smoking a big joint before mixing up the sugar water too,” he warned, “and that, as we all know, may be pleasant on a sunny day, but it is illegal.”

According to Monsanto, the nation’s leading pesticide manufacturer, citizens should be buying their genetically modified “Happy Grass” product, and using five tons of Round-Up each year on an average size lawn.

“If you want a stress-free lawn, you’ve got to use 21st century science,” said Ronald Dorkendurf, a consumer relations expert with Monsanto. “Our Happy Grass will grow green and strong, and is impervious to Round Up – so apply lots and lots of it. Nothing will live on your lawn but grass, it’s so easy!”

When asked about the effect of all that pesticide on pets and children playing on the lawn, Dorkendurf said, “Everyone knows lawns are for looking at, not playing on. Get your kids back inside on their video games where they belong, and put that dog on a leash!”

China Promises Full Access to Parts of the Internet During Olympics

Spokesman reassures reporters on human rights as well

BEIJING – After initially promising completely unfettered access to the internet for reporters during their stay for the Olympic Games, China now admits it “meant full access to the uncensored portions” of the internet.

“We will keep the promise we made, for full access to China’s internet, which of course, is different than Western notions of ‘full access,’” explained Chinese Olympics spokesman Qin Gang. He elaborated, “Our internet is freer than the West’s, as it is free of lies – which is better, I’m sure you reporters will agree. And if not, we’ll be happy to show you how our internet access is even extended to prisoners.” Qin Gang further pledged a Chinese commitment to improve their human rights record, “by reducing average torture time, as well as our promise to provide athletes with clean air, which we will accomplish by sending them out to sea on a raft if they complain. I’m sure all agree, sea air is quite refreshing!”

Human rights advocates have accused Beijing of stepping up the detention and surveillance of those it fears could disrupt the Games. But Qin Gang said they are doing nothing out of the ordinary. “We have our quotas, you know, just like American cops. Maintaining the level of efficiency we are accustomed to in our vast prison system requires we keep it well stocked. It’s just business as usual.” He added, “We know you Americans are well-versed in this practice as well, having a higher percentage of prisoners than any country in the world. We admire that in you, and hope to emulate your success.”

However, Mr. Gang assured reporters that Chinese prisons are not overcrowded. “Some cells are reserved, just in case,” he said, adding, “we don’t want our athletes to get too comfortable, thinking there won’t be consequences for losing. Also, you reporters need to know you should not get too cocky either.” Prison space needs to be saved for potential terrorist arrests too, he said, especially those that stand in front of Chinese tanks.