Subprime Lender Reduced to Lending to Homeless for Cardboard Box Homes

A major subprime lender, Loans4You, which was not quite major enough to get a bailout from the government like Baer Sterns did, has "found new life" making loans to homeless people for cardboard boxes to sleep in.

"Sure, it doesn't sound so good at first," said company spokesman Joseph R. Canterwaller, "but consider that we are helping the very people affected by the subprime crisis. Many of these folks became homeless as a result of our bad loans, so we feel an obligation to respond to their needs." He also pointed out that many lesser subprime lenders have gone under completely, and that as survivors, the company is "helping to bolster the economy by staying afloat."

"We provide entry-level loans for new box-owners, and our cardboard homes are made from the toughest refrigerator cartons available. We specifically tailor our loans to the needs of our customers, even covering two or three-room shelters," Mr. Canterwaller said.

Answering critics who say such companies make risky loans, the Loans4You spokesman said, "These loans are rock solid. We've done background checks on all our customers, which is something we never did before, as you know. While we know they don't have jobs, we still require that applicants be resourceful, hard workers. Most engage their entire family, from toddlers to spouses, in such gainful employment as dumpster diving, restaurant backdoor begging, street panhandling and the like."

Others in the loan industry see this as a positive development as well. Steven Stackhouse of payday lenders Cash and Carry, Inc. told this reporter, "These loans can be packaged and sold to brokering houses, who package them with other groups of loans, resell them, and so on - creating wealth all along the chain. This could revive the entire economy!" When asked if this wasn't the cause of the crisis in the first place, Stackhouse replied, "Doesn't matter. It's all cyclical. If we can prop up the economy for another ten years, by then who knows what will come along? Perhaps a dotcom boom!"

Prez Shocks World: Does Something Good

After seven long years of total incompetence, President George W. Bush has turned the tables and has been recognized for doing something that was not only not inept, not only was not terrible, but was - contrary to all expectations - actually good. He helped South Africa with the AIDS epidemic in a big way, and that country loves him for it.

As his recent visit showed, South Africa was thrilled to have the president visit, waving American flags that, incredibly, were not burning, or even smoldering. Instead of effigies of the president, he was greeted with African women wearing his visage on the backside of their skirts. According to a source who asked to remain anonymous, the president had a good laugh and whispered that he was amazed didn't even have to ask - as he did in his younger days - to get "young women to sit on my face."

Most of the world, including the international press and leaders from various nations, expressed amazement and sheer wonderment that the president didn't screw anything up in this endeavor.

The liberal organization MoveOn, however, issued a press release that said, in part, "While it is on one hand quite heartening to see the president help with such a grave issue as AIDS, in a way it feels like a slap in the face. Just when the entire world had resigned itself to the fact that the leader of the free world was a bumbling idiot and they would have to wait until 2009 for any kind of relief from his destructive and counter-productive policies on all fronts, he does this. Now he has shown us that he was indeed capable all along, yet just felt like screwing with us. In other words, by this action, George Bush is simply thumbing his nose at the world on his way out of office."

In response, press secretary Dana Perino said that, "The president understands the frustration of ultra-liberal terrorist-lovers like MoveOn, but he is not in office to please them. He has had his priorities throughout the last seven years, and they didn't include appeasement of that organization, nor of any other group, or country for that matter. His priority has been to make the USA safe from any form of terrorist threat or propaganda, and by putting the nation on a footing of fear and hair-trigger paranoia, he has achieved a state of readiness like no other president has ever done. And yes, he does enjoy pissing off liberals by stealing the thunder on one of their pet issues."

Besides MoveOn, a few other organizations were less than pleased with his performance in South Africa. Boynarr Sanyika, an African dance instructor with the dance troupe Djembe-L, based in the U.S., expressed dismay at the president's dance moves while visiting the country. "Why? Why oh why subject a country he's trying so hard to impress to moves like that?" he asked, adding, "We could have taught him a few moves in an hour that would have saved him from months of ridicule on YouTube!"

FDA: Protecting consumers from tainted truth

WASH., D.C. - The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) today announced a new campaign to educate the public on the advantages of not being educated about Genetically Modified (GM) foods.

"The public continues to be misled by GM opponents, who irresponsibly post facts about the process on the internet," said acting FDA commissioner Andrew von Eschenbach, M.D. "As you know, our job is to protect the public - usually from bad ingredients in food and drugs, etc. But today we roll out an exciting initiative to also protect their minds, and thereby protect important corporate entities that are helping to feed the world," he added.

The FDA currently forbids GM labeling, "so that consumers will not be misled into making irrational choices," such as avoiding GM foods, according to agency spokesman Fredly Summersault. By banning such labeling, which the FDA considers to be "false and misleading information," the agency is protecting citizens, he said.

Many countries are opposing this US policy, choosing to let people decide for themselves if they want to ingest genetically modified food. "This means that people in the United States and Canada are eating a lot more genetically engineered foods than the rest of the world, resulting in the defacto creation of the largest feeding experiment in human history," said Sam Sinclair of the grassroots organization Food for People by People Who Grow Food for People.

"That is a dangerous policy," insisted Monsanto researcher Dennis Ward. "That is simply spreading irrational fear. Instead of whipping up anti-GM hysteria around the world, these people should just buy our fortified food and quit their whining - they would be healthier for it!" he said, adding, "After all, it's inevitable - the entire world will not only be eating GM food exclusively in 20 years, the Earth itself will become a genetically modified organism, as will all its inhabitants."

Asked about the meaning of the phrase "fortified food," Mr. Ward said, "Simple - we've fortified food with better genes." He went on to explain that although vitamin and mineral-fortified foods were "all well and good," the "ultimate in fortification" is improving the genes themselves. "I mean, what would you rather eat, an average tomato, or a tomato that can add and subtract, do complex algebraic computations and recite Shakespeare? Now that's brain food!" he said.

Opponents, such as the Natural Solutions Foundation, which is on the agency's "watch list," insist that hazards of GM foods outweigh the "unproven" benefits. They site studies such as one published in Nature showing that pollen from B.t. corn caused high mortality rates in monarch butterfly caterpillars; the spread of genetically modified traits to other plant and animal species, resulting in the creation of "superweeds," etc.; the allergic reaction of many people to GM food; and the unexpected and negative impacts these foods can have on human health.

"Ridiculous," said Commissioner von Eschenbach when confronted with these concerns, "those hippies just need a little re-education. 'Frankenfood,' my ass! Send them over - vee have vays of making them see the light!" He then laughed hysterically, while chomping on a potato whose eyes appeared to actually be mammal-like, and wearing glasses as it was reading a book entitled "Let Our People Go."

Kings Float New Arena Plan

Opponents counter scheme is 'all wet'
SACRAMENTO, CA – In a surprising development in the controversy regarding a new sports arena in Sacramento, a novel solution was unveiled today by the Sacramento Kings' owners, the Maloof brothers. Flanked by various interested parties, including Mayor Heather Fargo, developers and a few shipbuilders, the Maloofs presented a proposal that stunned reporters at the scene.

The plan, apparently hatched by the group after weeks of secret meetings, involves building a huge arena/barge that could float down the Sacramento River. The unprecedented project would be an enormous, but feasible undertaking, insists Kings Spokesman Sam Sturgeon.

"Look, most of the expense in building a new arena is in purchasing land," said Mr. Sturgeon, adding, "and that's where most of the political and logistical problems arise. This solution not only renders those huge obstacles moot, it offers many other advantages as well." Indeed, officials around the NBA have called it "the most creative arena solution ever." Commissioner David Stern is said to be testing the waters on the idea, as he is eager for any solution that could work, considering the arena problems he's facing in various cities.

Some not impressed

But not everyone around the NBA is impressed with the plan. Some team owners are wary, predicting the proposal will sink. Players, too, have begun to voice skepticism, some complaining that they get seasick easily. As Cleveland's Lebron James put it, "Man, I don't wanna throw up in the middle of a throw down." Even Laker Kobe Bryant weighed in, claiming the Kings were just looking for any advantage they could get over teams, and that they were flaunting the abundance of water compared to L.A. "They want to play on a boat? I'll show 'em a floater. And a few splashdown dunks too!" he vented.

Kings players are worried as well, mostly about the nicknames they might get saddled with – christenings that could stick through their whole career. Mike Bibby said he fears being stuck with "Mike Bobbing" and that Brad Miller could be renamed "Brad Tiller," adding, "you know what they'd do to John Salmons, and let's face it, Douby has enough problems."

Gavin Maloof said he'd like to see the new floating arena called the "Ship of Kings," a name he said "could inspire young and old alike, creating a real source of pride for the community." He then conceded they'd probably just sell the naming rights to the highest bidder. "'Captain Crunch' wouldn't be bad," he ventured, "at least that would involve a sailing-related logo."

Mobile arena

One big question yet to be answered is where to dock the new floating arena. The favored location so far seems to be just upstream from the Delta King, where, proponents argue, it could be seen and admired by the city, as well as be a great tourist attraction that would boost revenue for old town Sacramento.

But the new arena would not just sit anchored, collecting barnacles. No, plans include floating to different destinations for various games, an idea that is gaining momentum. Proponents say the "royal barge" could even navigate to several locations in one night, "spreading out and diffusing the parking problem," as Nina Levitt, transportation assistant to Mayor Fargo, put it.

"Sailing to different locations on the river would provide direct access for those areas, a boon for fans who want to minimize driving. At the same time, parking problems would be alleviated, as automobile traffic could be diverted to several points along the river," said Ms. Levitt. Interestingly, this could include the present day parking lot at Arco Arena. From the old Arena, fans would be shuttled a few miles to where Garden Highway intersects Power Line Road on the river.

According to this plan, the arena would then float south to various points on the river. Other proposed stops include just south of the Tower Bridge, which is close to parking at Raley Field, and at Hood Junction, just west of Elk Grove, probably the southernmost docking point.

In the spirit of "spreading out the parking problem," another idea floated by the Kings involves Caltrans building a new ramp just north of the Seamus Avenue exit on I-5, where the highway comes very close to the river. The high-tech ramp could deposit cars onto a separate parking barge that the floating arena would tow.

Kings point to advantages

The Kings organization wants fans to know that they would also be welcome to swim or boat in anywhere along the route, if they chose. There would be many bollards placed around the arena barge, where people who had tickets could tie up their craft, pay a docking fee, and enter the arena. Swimmers would be provided clean towels, and could even have a pre-arranged package of dry clothing waiting for them. "We want to be open to any ideas that allow our fans to get here in the most carbon-neutral way possible, so we would actually encourage swimming," said Mr. Sturgeon, "besides, it's good exercise."

"This whole scheme might sound outrageous to some," said Gavin Maloof, "but when you think about it, there are many plusses." For examples, he offered that "when the Kings sink, fans can stay afloat. Also, the motion of the vessel floating down the river could help the Kings develop more of a 'flow' to their offense. And as anyone involved will admit, we want to make a big splash with this new arena, so where better than the river?"

Other advantages, suggested by brother Joe Maloof, were:

• If the game sucks, fans can go out on the deck and enjoy the river, or even take quick trips on the small boats tied to the sides.
• Such an innovative arena will give distinctive character to a mediocre team.
• Team name could be changed to the "River City Sailor Boys."
• No training facility needed, as rowing in the galley below will provide all the exercise players could possibly want.

Impure motives?

But the controversial plan's detractors say it's just another maneuver by the Maloof brothers in their overall strategy to leave Sacramento. According to this theory, when the team decides to move, the new floating arena could simply be piloted down the Sacramento River to the delta. From there, they could navigate southeast up the San Joaquin, where the Kings could try their luck in Stockton. More likely, they would sail on into the San Francisco Bay, say analysts, but most believe that would not be a successful location, due to the abundance of NBA teams in the area. At that point, warn opponents of the plan, the team would probably just sail on out into the Pacific and try docking at one of the coastal cities to the south.

Some even speculate that the team could continue south and become the first Mexican team in the league. "Why not," said Josh Hanvey, sportswriter from the San Diego Metro Weekly, "after all, we have a Canadian team, and used to have two." Indeed, Latin American countries have fielded teams that have done very well in global competition, and the fan base is growing for good basketball. "I could see the Kings doing well in any number of countries," added Hanvey, "perhaps playing for a few years in places south of Mexico, and even South America."

Taking the process to its natural conclusion, opponents say, means the Kings may actually be planning to sail right through the Panama Canal and end up as an Eastern Conference team, where league competition has historically not been as stiff. "That may be all the motivation the Maloofs need," ventured Hanvey, "- a slim chance of actually getting into the playoffs!"

Sacramento Airport Readying Expansion

Hopes are to build world-class terminals holding lines "as long as any"

SACRAMENTO, CA - Soon, bulldozers will be working feverishly at the Sacramento International Airport, pushing dirt around and giving the place a renewed air of importance. In an aggressive move, county airport officials say they will "raise the Sacramento airport's reputation to the level of the biggest, most crowded and traffic-jammed airports in the whole world."

The project's $1.3 billion price tag will help Sacramento's debt level to compare favorably with the biggest metropolitan areas as well, say observers.

Airport director Hardy Acrobeet said Sacramento's facility needs a major expansion to keep pace with Northern California growth. In announcing the project, Acrobeet said, "This train has left the station," quickly correcting himself and adding, "the plane has rolled out to the tarmac."

Supporters say riders will feel pride in the accomplishment when they finally get a parking spot, pay the exorbitant fee, and take their place in the world-class line.

The expansion, county officials said, will turn a plain old cow-town airport into a swank symbol of excess, just like all those big-city airports, giving airport patrons something to feel pride in as they wait.

The centerpiece will be a glass-walled central terminal, soaring four stories in height, which officials hope to open by 2011. "Airport customers will only need to suck dust and dirt for four short years," said a beaming Fred Wingman, airport planner, "then it will be all shiny floors, clean sidewalks and rope lines as far as the eye can see."

Expansion plans will, of course, include trams, remote concourses and all the trappings of a successful airport, each with their own inherent lines, giving riders plenty of time to admire the architecture.

Cheney Pronounces Self King

WASH., D.C. - Former Vice-President Dick Cheney, fed up with restraints on his office, declared himself King today in a prepared statement.

"Everyone knows it has been me, Dick Cheney, who has been running things around here since I was elected in 2000 with my sidekick, George W. Bush," announced His Majesty. "With the recent hostile take over of the Congress by the Democrats, caused by an accidental under-vote of Republican bytes in voting machines last election, it has become more difficult for me to do my job. They are demanding all sorts of ridiculous things, like compliance with systems for protecting classified information and following a bunch of other laws. In the interest of national security, responsible government and sheer convenience, I've decided it is time to do away with the pretense, unveil the shadow government, and bring it out into the light where it belongs. I've been king for six years, let's just get on with it."

Reaction has been swift up on Capitol Hill, with Republican congressmen falling all over themselves to be first to kiss King Cheney's ring, while Democrats have been more reserved, opting instead to simply bow as Cheney passed by.

"At least we don't have to wonder any more," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "who is really running things. And naturally, impeachment is totally off the table now. However, we do want assurance that we can address our concerns to the King without fear of flogging or beheading - that much we feel we deserve." Asked about this demand, Cheney said simply, "We'll see about that," adding, "Nancy should know I've still got my shotgun in the closet."

Constitutional scholars weighed in on the matter as well. Professor Sidney Lookitup questioned the legality of the move, saying, "He's not even president yet! How does he just leapfrog to King?" Other scholars reserved judgement, with one distinguished historian, eyes darting around nervously and insisting on anonymity, asking, "Has he claimed the power to execute anyone he wishes yet?"

Gonzales Insists Responsibility for Responsibility Not His

WASH., D.C. - Attorney General Roberto Gonzales, facing increasing scrutiny for his role in the firings of US Attorneys under his watch, ostensibly for political reasons, says he is responsible, but "not responsible."

"You must understand," said Gonzales to reporters yesterday, "I accept responsibility, but how can I be responsible for others' irresponsibility?" The Attorney General is renowned for his irrefutable logic in showing how things are really different than any one ever thought - such as his one-word debunking of the Geneva Conventions as "quaint," which were previously considered sacrosanct.

Gonzales explained away his current predicament with equal aplomb, although it took many more words to wiggle himself out of this one. "In other words, to paraphrase the Great One himself," he said, in an apparent reference to Donald Rumsfeld, "there are responsibilities you are responsible for. Then, there are responsibilities that others are responsible for. Finally, there are responsibilities no one knows who is responsible for. I call these the 'irresponsible responsibilities.' I mean, who knew?!"

In taking this tack, Gonzales is following the time-honored "aw shucks" defense, honed through the years by unfairly harassed CEOs and politicians, until to day it is widely accepted that those in charge cannot possibly know what's going on below them. Some pooh-pooh this defense, claiming that to accept this is to accept that there is no accountability for the concept of accountability.

But Gonzales defenders reply by pointing out that there are unaccountable accountabilities, and then there are accountabilities that are unaccountable. Even a third grader, who stole a candy bar but didn't mean to, knows this. Sure, he enjoys the sugary goodness to its fullest, but that candy bar put itself in his pocket, by reason of the "aw shucks" defense. And ultimately, as Gonzales himself might reason, the boy is helping the world by allowing one less cavity-causing delectable to be consumed by some other unsuspecting kid.

Responding to accusations of applying double standards, Gonzales said, "That's patently false. For example, if I refused to do what I told myself to do, I would not hesitate to fire myself."

Still, hard-line prosecutors charge that the attorneys were let go for "following the law," rather than following the "partisan political directives" of those above them. But the Attorney General insists "In reality, they brought it on themselves." Gonzales pointed out that one of the fired attorneys as much as admitted his guilt when he said, "Silly me, I thought I swore an oath to protect the people and the constitution."

Silly indeed, and undeniably "quaint."

Bush to Launch War on Global Warming

WASH., D.C. - The Bush administration announced plans for a new offensive today, a "War on Global Warming." After denying the existence of global warming for years, administration officials have finally capitulated to overwhelming scientific evidence in recent months. Now that they have acknowledged it, they appear to be ready to take forceful, direct action.

"With our great successes in the past, including the War on Drugs, the War on Crime, the War on Teen Pregnancy, the War on Poverty, and the War on the Environment, not to mention our inevitable soon-to-be victory in Iraq, we've decided the time has come to show this 'Global Warming' that we mean business," said President Bush in a Rose Garden press conference yesterday. "Americans will not give up our way of life to appease an enemy, whether it be Al Qaida, the Taliban or new threats like the terror campaigns of the Global Warming," he said, adding, "I am the decider, and I will decide whether or not to turn up the heat, and this Global Warming will soon see that America will not cut our thermostats and run."

Pentagon officials have released intelligence reports showing they believe Global Warming has concentrated its forces in the Arctic and the Antarctic. (The CIA said its own intelligence showed "somewhat different" results.) "No country, or continent, or ice sheet for that matter, can harbor terrorists and get away with it," said Pentagon spokesman Jake Warrington. "We know where they are, and we'll be coming after them," he continued, "and we'll pursue them to the ends of the earth, literally."

New Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, in a presentation to the press on the new offensive, said it will be launched in early summer, "to get at them while they're at the height of their activity." It will include air strikes and a missile barrage to "soften targets," followed by a "ground - or ice, I should say - assault," he explained. "We are reserving the right to a 'nuclear option' if necessary, as well. After all, the fate of the world is at stake, and these climactic evil-doers need to know we will not back down," Secretary Gates added.

Asked about possible collateral damage, Gates said, "While our military targeting is the most accurate in the world, a polar bear or two may suffer casualties. That can't be helped. But we are confident that the polar bear population as a whole will greet us as liberators, showering us with snow confetti and giving delicious snowcones to our brave men and women in uniform."