Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Moody’s downgrading US credit, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Moody’s strips US credit of top rating, citing Washington’s failure to rein in debt

So, it’s gone from Moody’s to Cranky’s.

Oregon woman put under to get tooth implant wakes with an Irish accent

Relatedly, I can’t be the only one wondering if anyone’s ever gotten breast implants and awoke sounding like a cast member of ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.’

Shingles vaccine has unexpected positive effect on heart health

… Not to mention keeping your house from deteriorating.

Trump says $400M jet from Qatar is more ‘impressive’ than outdated Air Force One

Though, it looks more like Qatar gifted Trump a flying version of the Liberace Museum.

How to make leafy greens tastier

Deep fry them. You’re welcome.

Andrew Cuomo penalized $622K in NYC mayor’s race for coordinating with big-money group.

For the ladies out there, it’s safer with his hands in someone else’s pockets.

Surgery on ailing Great Dane yields 43½ socks

So, that’s where all those missing socks went!

DeSantis signs a bill making Florida the 2nd state to ban fluoride from its water system

Those nine out of ten dentists are buying new BMWs, the tenth a Mercedes.

The New Pope has Creole roots, making MAGA go berserk

They think he should have been hired the old-fashioned way by finding a Fox News host for the job.

Putin replaces commander of Russia’s ground forces and appoints him to security council

This guy needs to worry if those security forces meetings take place on high skyscraper floors.

Weight Watchers and Forever 21 going bankrupt

Maybe they should join forces and start ‘Forever 21 Pounds Overweight.’

Hospital announces baby boom with 14 maternity nurses expecting

Elon Musk: Hold my turkey baster.

9 questions you’re too embarrassed to ask about Ariana Grande

Question 4: Did you start out as Ariana Tall and work your way up to Grande?

Prince William reportedly plans to ban Prince Harry from his Coronation

… In a very special episode of Royal Family Feud …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)