Moderator: Welcome to the WWF 8-step program. The reason we’re not a 12-step program is because your main goal is to get over the addictive obsession to put down an 8-letter word in Words With Friends (WWF). Your online bingo addiction is interfering with your marriage, your work, and your eyesight. Withdrawal symptoms include but are not limited to anxiety that you are missing your next brilliant move, hallucinations that you have a 40-0 record against Kim Ung-Yong (IQ 210+, highest on the planet), intense cravings for schmaltz (23 points), cold sweats and tremors.
It’s time to beat your bingo addiction! You can and will find a meaningful existence once again without grabbing your cell phone every time you see that alluring light shine! Don’t give into the call from the mischievous sprite when those words beseech: “Your move with…” Repeat after me: I can resist temptation by not responding to “Your move with…”
Okay. Now repeat after me: “Out of despair, find hope.”
WWF Addict #1: Out of despair, I can find “aspired,” “praised,” and “presaid.” Three possible bingos! Sorry, but I was born this way. My mother said I was solving anagrams in the stroller.
WWF Addict #2: I feel despair that WWF only gives you 35 bonus points for a bingo. I hate to sound like a Luddite, but in the old days of real Scrabble, we got 50 points.
WWF Addict #1: Everything’s downsizing these days. I blame Obama.
Moderator: We’re getting off track. Let’s admit that we are powerless over WWF—that our lives have become unmanageable. Confessions, anyone? Now is the time to purge!
Addict #3: I once cheated on my wife. I looked up an obscure Q word in the Official Scrabble Players Dictionary while she was driving the kids to travel soccer.
Addict #4: I cheated on my mother. A woman who survived the Holocaust! Shameful.
Addict #5: I cheated on my son. Pre-med at Harvard. I was sick of him playing all those chemistry words I never heard of. WTF?
Addict #6: I am a pedofile. I once played a twelve-year-old girl with a mere texting vocabulary, just to beat her!
Addict #7: I once got high from schmeering a kindergartner at the game! Is it my fault her school taught her how to use an iPad?
Addict #2: Everyone cheats at WWF. When no one’s looking over your shoulder, how could anyone resist plugging in your letters on unscramble.net?
Addict #1: Cheating is rampant in our society. I blame Obama.
Moderator: We have come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. This power is the OSPD, 4th Edition. We must rid ourselves of this evil dictionary bursting with esoteric words like “quetzal” and “zygotic,” and replace it with the Bible.
Addict #1: Old or New Testament?
Addict #2: Can I use the Koran?
Addict #3: “Torah” is an acceptable WWF word. Also “tora.” Can be pluralized.
Addict #4: Remember when “jew” was an acceptable word, back in the OSPD 1st Edition? To jew: to attempt to gain an unfair price in a business deal.
Addict #3: I am deeply offended, you anti-semite—
Moderator: We must admit to God, and to ourselves, the exact nature of our wrongs.
Addict #1: Dear God, I have played WWF during business meetings.
Addict #2: Dear God, I have played WWF while making love to my wife.
Addict #4: I have played in church.
Addict #3: I have played in shul. On Yom Kippur, no less!
Addict #5: I bought the iPhone5 just to have a larger screen for WWF, but lied to my wife about the unnecessary purchase, saying a mugger stole my iPhone4 on the subway. I used a maxed out credit card at the Sprint store, and now the debt collectors are foreclosing on my house.
Addict #1: I blame Bush.
Moderator: Now that we have made a list of all the persons we have harmed, let’s make amends to them all.
Addict #2: I will pass my turn even when I have a bingo to put down, just to boost my opponent’s score.
Moderator: I’m afraid you’re not getting it. You can never play WWF again. Don’t let yourself go down that slippery slope, or you will forever be damned. Press “yes” to one rematch, and you give into your addiction. Let’s continue to take personal inventory, and admit it when we were wrong.
Addict #2: My highest score was 123 points: “iceboat” on a triple word score. I boasted about it for a week. I was wrong. I admit it.
Addict #3: I will erase WWF on my smart phone and on all our home computers.
Addict #4: I will create a virus that wipes out WWF on all PCs!
Addict #5: I will have a spiritual awakening and switch to crossword puzzles!
Moderator: We are running short of time. I have to get to my Thursday night poker game by eight. Anyone game?