[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

American Youth’s Harrowing Tale: “I Was Locked in a Room and Forced to Read”

It’s tough these days for American youth

It’s as disturbing as it is real, which is why many are calling it really disturbing.  An American youth, a young boy from a town as normal as the next, recounts a scene so horrific that it just might make you throw up in your mouth a little.

American Youth readingHe is like any other kid his age.  You might even call him “the kid next door.”  His neighbors do.  He plays on his Wii and Xbox most days and, when he’s not doing that, he’s looking at memes on 9Gag in between his favorite TV shows and YouTube videos.

But, according to Daryl (not his real name), on May 20, 2013 something so terrible happened it almost shouldn’t be told (in fact, it almost wasn’t because his account consisted of so many “Oh my GERDs” and “Trollolols” we had no idea what he was saying, until we got his English teacher to translate).

“It’s still hard to talk about,” Daryl recounted slowly as he rocked back and forth in his chair, the dim light of the iPad casting a glow on his contorted face as he clutched it with both arms.  “I came in and it’s as if I could feel the lack of electricity in the house.  It was eerie.  Everything inside me was screaming for me to turn around and run but something held me–no, gripped me–and dragged me into my room, like the chains of tormented souls slowly pulling me towards Death’s yawning chasm!

“I looked round my room as the door was closed behind me and saw them!  Oh God, with my own young eyes I saw them!!  Ten, twenty, thirty, one-hundred, maybe more–all stacked on top of each other like stones in a prison wall.  And then, what happened next should never happen to anyone, I saw each and every ‘stone’ burst open like a sadistic Jack-in-the-box and pour its black contents onto my innocent, agonizing body.  I reeled and fell to my knees, gasping for breath as the words drowned me in their terrible wordiness.  After that, I blacked out.”

According to the brave adolescent, when he came to (possibly hours later), he noticed his old iPhone 3 lying under his boxers under the bed.  His parents must have missed that one.  And then, somehow, after rallying enough strength, he clawed his way over to the device and texted his friend to come and unlock his window for him.

“You just never know what’s lurking behind these quiet, suburban doors,” said one resident.  “It’s shocking, but then again it isn’t.  Really, I did and didn’t see this coming from a mile away…which I guess is why I’m so shocked.  That poor kid.  I hope he gets the help he needs.”

Jeff Boldt