[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Melania Trump Filing for Divorce from The Donald

‘I never realized what a complete a**hole he is until the presidential campaign,’ Melania Trump said. ‘Plus, yes, he has extremely small hands and totally fake hair.’

 NYC — Melania Trump announced today that she is filing for divorce from her husband Donald Trump, the presumptive GOP nominee.

Melania TrumpThe two have been married since 2005.

“Until this election I never realized what a complete a**hole the racist little pig really is,” Mrs Trump said at a hastily assembled news conference in the lobby of Trump Tower, NYC.

“I can’t defend him any more,” she continued. “As we say in Slovenia, Ko se ženska poroči prašiča, edina stvar je jesti ali prodati. [When a woman marries a pig, the only thing to do is eat it or sell it].”

She added: “I am going to do both — take the repulsive little swine for every penny he’s got and then let some other woman feed his desperate little ego.

“Maybe dear, sweet Ivanka can do it. Moj bog [My God], don‘t get me started on that popolnoma zajebal [totally fucked up] relationship! Besides, I can’t take the smell of his aftershave any more.”

“Yes,” Melania Trump added in response to a reporter’s question, “he does unfortunately have an extremely small hand — I mean hands — which lately hasn’t worked very well, if you understand me.

“He just tweets all night with those little thumbs, as we all know, two AM, three AM, and what about me? I’m a mlada ženska poročena starca, ki ne morejo priti do več [a young woman married to an old man who can’t get it up any more]. I know lots of young, wealthy men who would like to out-trump Trump, believe me.”

Melania laughed aloud when asked whether her husband’s hair was real or fake.

“As fake as his excuses for not revealing his taxes,” she said. “Even faker than Trump University.”

She added: “Ja res je [yes, it is true],  Donald is completely obsessed with his stupid yellow hair, we all laugh about it behind his back.

“The vain idiot spent over $200,000 having each strand individually sewn into his scalp by this French hair expert, Anatole de Paris. He was sworn into absolute secrecy and is paid very well for his silence. Maybe some day he’ll write his memoirs.

“Anyway,” Mrs Trump continued, “the fake hairs quickly fade or go pink, have you noticed? And sometimes they fall out in the shower, ah so funny. If you look closely. sometimes you will see bald, pink  patches and the next day they are gone and yellow again.

“Every few months Anatole flies out so they can be restored. I love to hear Donald scream each time the needle goes in!”

She laughed again. “However, as we say in Slovenia, ženska z brez dlake moža sanja goril [A woman with a hairless husband dreams of gorillas]. In Donald’s case, of course, it is an orangutan. So it is time for me to evacuate Trump Zoo.”

Melania added that she hoped to resume her career as a photographic model, because “Ženska s preteklostjo, je bolj zanimivo, kot človeka brez prihodnosti. [A woman with a past is more interesting than a man without a future].”

She then concluded the conference by unexpectedly raising her fist and shouting: “Vsak glas za Hillary! [Everyone vote for Hillary!]”

Michael Egan

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