How it happened: The reign of America’s first woman president
Newsdate, Year 2024 — Most political analysts look upon the 2012 Obama-Palin campaign as the start of the anarchy that now besets us. Originally known as the second great Obama campaign, Sarah Palin soon eclipsed her boss in popularity as was well-remembered by the 98% female majority in the House and Senate that became outlawed once she became America’s first woman president, and then President for Life in 2020.
It had long been believed that women in leadership positions would lead to a more peaceful world. Unfortunately, as Ms. Palin’s regency has proved, it turned even more violent, when hordes of feminist Alaskans, expertly adept from years of hunting moose and wolves, stormed the Siberian peninsula slaughtering their way to Moscow where they skinned and gutted Putin.
The loss of his good friend and Russian buddy, who helped bring him to political power, caused then standing President Select Trump to deliver one too many negative tweets about the Divine Miss Sarah, causing her to react by having The Donald hung by his own red necktie. With Palin’s annexation of the rest of Russia, in addition to what the U.S. acquired by Seward’s Folly back in 1867, America’s first woman president now could see Russia not only from her window but Moscow as well, having made the Kremlin her new winter mansion.
The 2020 election had pitted Palin against returning eternal Democratic contestant Hillary Clinton. The campaign started out peacefully, until the time of the debate which turned into an eye-scratching, hair-pulling free-for-all before the cameras. It was noted that after this experience that Palin stopped wearing her glasses and “sexy-librarian” hairstyle, opting for more combat-effective contacts and a buzz cut. Political ads got particularly nasty with slogans such as “Librarian Lesbo,” “Arkansas Harpy,” “Alaskanly Frigid Inside and Out” and “Pimping the Presidency” being thrown around. Hillary’s running mate, Madonna, seemed especially suited to this sort of fight. Meanwhile Palin’s running mate, Arnold Schwartzenegger, would have been better had it not been for Palin’s insistence that he be neutered, making his accent even more funny.
Hillary’s win would have brought what was thought to begin a new era, but was abruptly halted as Palin earned her title of the “Ice Queen” by instigating a coup and having Ms. Clinton guillotined. Her reign then saw an unusual and uncomfortable rise in the number of men getting vasectomies and becoming gay.
The 2020 Presidency then got even nastier when Palin was mysteriously assassinated in her first 100 days by a Men’s Liberation group associated with poet Robert Bly. After Bly’s capture and disembowelment by Palin hordes, daughter Bristol stepped up to fill her shoes and was publicly devoured by Mary Cheney. Mary, having been marshaled in the Dark Arts by her father Sith Lord Dick Cheney, used every evil imaginable to run things.
Men, now for years barred from politics, are being hunted and used for food. I, in writing this, risk being caught and horribly —