What’s your sign? Check out your and every other jerk’s February 2018 horoscope right here!
What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. Just in case, here’s your February 2018 horoscope. Be sure to share your friends’ snarky outlooks with them!
|Aries:Love is like a box of martial arts: you never know who you’re gonna hit.|
|Taurus: Valentine’s Day is likely to bring-out your sensual side. Just remember that intimate touch is better than a giant hollow chocolate heart.|
|Gemini: Listen to your partner’s sexual needs this Valentine’s Day – they may not like the twin that’s frigid, or the one that’s into choking and hair-pulling.|
|Cancer: The next time you do a random Google search for Disney characters and see photos that would make Larry Flint blush, remember that your partner told you to turn on Safe Search for a reason.|
|Leo: This Valentine’s Day, let your partner know that Lions are like big kitty cats and lobbyists: they love getting their asses scratched, but they’ll bite your hands off if you stop feeding them.|
|Virgo: This month, the universe begs you to understand that your partner isn’t as detail oriented as you, and they don’t need to follow a Medical Safety Data Sheet before having sex with you.|
|Libra: Ah, the scales of love: bullets weigh more than wedding rings, weddings cost more than funerals, and divorce is almost as common as death. Happy Valentine’s Day!|
|Scorpio: To you, intimate relationships are like Russian Military Experiments on Telekinesis. To everyone else, including your partner, Scorpios are just good in bed.|
|Sagittarius: Some say love is war. Your ruling planet, Jupiter, disagrees: it’s more like an overabundance of feelings and bombs. What you choose to express and detonate depends on your prescription medication.|
|Capricorn: Goats may stay in the same relationship their entire lives, but just like Hillary Clinton, they’re not authorities on love. Consider facing reality instead of selfishly embracing your need for “power.”|
|Aquarius: This month, cosmic energies remind you that not all acquaintances are potential sex partners and not all “philanthropic” organization leaders are honest: they’re people too.|
|Pisces: Everyone knows that you idealize your partners, and when they don’t live up to it, you swim toward the next shiny turd. Next time, keep in mind that you can only dress-up a starving artist so much.|