Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/5/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt, headlines today

Fans are hoping Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt get back together”

…as well as ‘New Kids on the Block’ and ‘The Spice Girls,’ and that their AOL Subscription CDs still work.

 Trump ‘Daughter’ Hope Hicks to leave the White House

Turns out Trump IS treating her like a daughter. Unfortunately for Hope, that daughter is Tiffany Trump.

 NFL trades Papa John’s for Pizza Hut

…and a defibrillator to be named later.

Utah teacher shoots herself in the leg while at school

Yeah, but, if it was in the library, did she use a silencer?

Gold statue of Harvey Weinstein on a casting couch sits on Hollywood Boulevard during Oscars

Sadly, it’s not the creepiest thing on Hollywood Blvd.

Worshippers took assault rifles to church and vowed to protect US gun laws

Here’s a Bible rewrite to help them get it together: ‘They shall beat their AR15s into Tiki Torches.’

Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin announced that Ivanka Trump briefed South Korean President Moon about the new NK sanctions

…and sold him shoes and a scarf for his wife.

Former NBA All-Star Chris Bosh is making himself available to the highest-bidding NBA contender

…or Kardashian.

Marco Rubio slams teens as ‘infected’ by ‘arrogance and boasting’ as his approval rating plummets

I’d tell Marco to take on people his own size, but then he’d attack middle school kids.

With Pyeongchang Games over, Beijing gears up to host Winter Olympics in 2022

Damn. And, just when I started spelling Pyeongchang correctly.

Malibu bans plastic utensils, straws

While it will still allow people who are plastic…

Donald Trump attacks ‘Alex’ Baldwin on Twitter over impersonation

While Baldwin attacks ‘Ronald’ Trump’s impersonation of a President.

Ben Carson asked HUD to cancel the order on that $31,000 dining set

Dude, get it together, your boss was the host of ‘The Apprentice’ not ‘The Price is Right.’

Jared Kushner’s security clearance has been downgraded

…to Nephew-in-Law.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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