Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/2/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Brett Kavanaugh

Brett Kavanaugh mentioned beer 30 times during Senate Hearing

C’mon, let’s face it, Brett Kavanaugh said the word ‘beer’ so many times even people watching at home had to go pee. The performance was of biblical proportions; it was as if he converted beer into whine!

Indiana bus driver arrested for allowing students to drive bus

Hmmm, got it, the state nickname is short for ‘Hoosier’s Driver.’

 Talk is next ‘Superman’ to be black

Instead of Kryptonite, the brother’s gotta watch out for hooking up with a Kardashian.

Sex doll brothel set to open in Toronto

It oughta be called ‘Oooooooooh Canada.’

 Happy 37th Birthday, Serena Williams

… 39, if you count the 2-point penalty from the chair judge.

Trump LAUGHED at the during UN speech

On the upside, it’s pretty cool to get your NetFlix Stand-up special filmed in front of the General Assembly.

Another California man arrested in 10 cold case rapes using a genealogy site

Damn, ‘23 and Me’ should change its name to ‘25 to Life!’

Michael Avenatti issues new warnings to Trump, Kavanaugh

Avenatti is apparently the Italian word for ‘F%&k Trump.’

Bill Cosby was pelted with a stale hotdog bun on his first day in prison

… guess they were all out of Pudding Pops.

Reports are that many women were warned about the boys at Georgetown Prep

It’s like they should change the school’s name from Georgetown Prep to Georgetown Perp.

National Enquirer had decades of Trump dirt, he wanted to buy it all

… and have Mexico pay for it!

McDonald’s made an awesome change to its burgers

Meat?

South Carolina teen awakes from wisdom teeth extraction convinced she’s engaged

… well, in fairness, sometimes getting a guy to ask is like pulling teeth.

Senate to delay Kavanaugh confirmation vote one week for FBI investigation

We’ll know Kavanaugh’s in big trouble if he’s called back to testify, and Christopher Plummer shows up instead.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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