[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Battle for a Female Running Mate for Joe Biden to be Settled on Upcoming Episode of AEW Dynamite

Exclusive Report: A “Mississippi Double Mud Battle Royale” will determine Joe Biden’s female running mate.

“Handsy Joe” Biden is said to have volunteered to “rub the shoulders” of contestants between rounds.

Latest in the continuing series: Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network).

In an exclusive to SNN, our Washington political reporter Lance Gutter and our Washington insider Oofah Rhumpe-roaste report that the heated battle to select a dynamic and viable female running mate for Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden will be settled on an upcoming episode of the professional wrestling program All Elite Wrestling Dynamite.

Female Running Mate wrestling match
Pundits warn that the vice-presidential matches “may not be quite as sexy” as the female wrestling fans may be used to.

The leading candidates for the position will compete in a “Mississippi Double Mud Battle Royale.” The match will be held in steel cage, in a ring filled with mud. The cage will be surrounded with a mud filled moat.

To be eliminated, a competitor must be thrown over the top ring rope, then out of the steel cage and into the mud moat.

Already signed up are top competitors Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Stacey Abrams, Amy Klobuchar, Val Demings, Keisha Lance Bottoms, Gretchen Whitmer and Catherine Cortez Masto.

Oprah Winfrey was invited to compete, but declined, stating that because of her Weight Watchers diet she couldn’t make fighting weight.

Michelle Obama also declined, stating that since her husband was out of work and she could not take the pay cut.

Hillary Clinton also opted out after Biden would not agree to the stipulation that if she won, she would become co-President.

The event will be refereed by Sarah Palin.

In other news, Lance Gutter’s new book “The Gutteratti — 100 Famous People You Wouldn’t Want to be Bothered With” will be out shortly. Included in the book are Cain, George Washington, Adolph Hitler and Greta Garbo.

Ted Holland

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