Things We Used to Say, and Still Do, But They Don't Mean the Same

Things that don’t mean the same as before: pre-COVID vs post-COVID.

*Statement*	*Typical Context (Pre-COVID)*	*Typical Context (Now)*
Do you have curbside pickup?	Speaking with trash collector	Calling up pizza parlor
♪♪♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪♪♪	Celebrating at birthday party	Washing in bathroom
Where’s your face mask?	Preparing for Halloween party	Preparing for outdoor stroll
Where’s the nearest bathroom?	Addressing gas station attendant	Planning hour-plus car trip
Please step back and give us space	Police warning crowd near accident	Shopper warning approaching shopper in supermarket
Do you Zoom?	Nervous passenger to young driver	Meeting organizer to elder participant
Please wipe that with an antibacterial cloth before you store it.	Gesturing at garden tool coated in manure about to be left on garage shelf	Gesturing at box of arugula delivered by InstaCart about to go into refrigerator
How long will it take to schedule a delivery?	Consumer ordering appliance	Shelterer-in-place ordering Wegmans
I need a haircut.	Casual call to barber	Desperate plea to hair stylist
Please wash your hands.	Parent to child coming to dinner	Wife to husband entering house
It was great seeing you.	Friend leaving friend’s home while shaking hands	Friend exiting FaceTime while waving at iPhone
Sorry, this is as far as I go.	Driver pausing at final destination to drop off rider	Walker pausing at social distance to greet acquaintance
Please breathe in and out slowly.	Doctor with stethoscope instructing patient on examining table who is mostly naked from the waist up	Doctor sans stethoscope squinting at MyChart image of patient who is mostly naked from the waist down
How soon will you reopen?	Customer to proprietor (of store closed for casualty)	Reporter to Governor (of state closed for COVID)

Author
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Howard Zaharoff

Howard Zaharoff reads (a lot), writes (mostly humor), teaches (occasionally) and practices law (doesn't everyone?). He is the author of "Stump Your Lawyer!" (Chronicle 2007), and his work has appeared in The Boston Globe, Wall Street Journal, Amazing Stories, Computerworld, The Journal of Irreproducible Results, The Annals of Improbable Research and the books Growing Up Jewish (Penguin 1987) and Sex As a Heap of Malfunctioning Rubble (and Further Improbabilities) (Workman 1993), among other places.

Latest posts by Howard Zaharoff (see all)

Things We Used to Say, and Still Do, But They Don’t Mean the Same - August 12, 2020
Dialogue with the Editor: Why THIS and not THAT? - June 25, 2020
What I Will Do Differently Now That 23andMe Says I’m Only 5% Jewish but 45% Italian - May 3, 2020

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