Putin on “normal tourist visit”: “We love Crimea and the Crimeans to death! We just wanna bear-hug them forever!”
MOSCOW — Russian president Vladimir Putin told a press conference today that the armed Russian citizens currently occupying Eastern Crimea were on a “normal tourist visit” and are nothing but “freedom-loving tourists” just looking for a little fun.
“We non-expansionist Russkies have always kept a friendly eye on the Crimea,” Putin said, “and especially its Black Sea port of Sevastapol. Several of our tourists now harbor their submarines and cruisers there.”
He gave one of his famous friendly winks and laughed. “Imperialist running-dogs who say 3/14 was an invasion are just telling a bald-faced lie. Is a lovely day in the neighborhood. We’ve always wanted to have neighbors just like them.”
Hanging up his cardigan, Putin went on: “So a few people were killed. That’s just the circle of life. Hakuna Matata!”
Putin added that his tourists loved eastern Crimea so much they were assembling in large numbers on the border of western Crimea. “They’re eager to check out the rest of the country, especially Kiev. I hear it’s the most beautiful capitol city in Europe.
“The aerial surveillance photographs I’ve seen confirm that. I can hardly wait for my own tour, no later than 2023.”